Sanity and Insanity
by Huldra
Summary: The feelings that occurs between Sirius Black and Severus Snape after having served detention together can only be blamed on insanity.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Sanity and Insanity

**Author: **Huldra

**Disclaimer: **Belongs to Rowling. Characters and all.

**Notes: **Never having gone much into Sirius Black's character, I got a little curious, and wanted to write a story from his point of view.

**Warnings: **SLASH!

**Chapter 1**

I never saw it coming: a fist collided with my chin and I went straight into the wall behind me. I was seeing stars. Not even a second after I was being pummeled by fist after fist. I think a foot managed to collide with my ribs at some point. Blood seeped down from my nose and into my mouth. It all happened so fast I hadn't the time to do much but crouch into a fetal position. Screams echoed around me and I hoped through my confused haze that help was on its way. Thankfully the creature attacking me was forcefully pulled away not moments after.

'_Mr. Snape_!' a stern voice nearly hollered, 'I never thought I would see such behaviour from you!' Daring to roll around I looked up at my offender. Snivellus was being held in place by two seventh years, his mouth near foaming and his clenched fists bloodied. Yes, who would have thought little Snape able to cause such harm without magic? Not me I had to admit. McGonagall turned back to me and pinned me to the floor with her eyes.

'Are you alright Mr. Black?' she asked without a trace of concern in her voice. She knew what had occurred between me, Snape, Remus and James during the last full moon not more than a week ago, and she was certainly not happy with me. That incident had taken the dispute between me and Snape to an entirely different level. I hadn't seen him since that night, and truth be told; he didn't look good.

Despite all that Remus was still my greatest concern; he hadn't taken the news very well. He still only answered me with one word sentences, but I supposed I should have been grateful he answered at all. James and Peter had been quite surprised by it all, never having been excluded from a prank before. But they had taken it quite well all things considering.

'Very well, if you feel up to it, I'm taking you to the Headmaster's office.' McGonagall informed, 'come now.' Letting go of their grip, the seventh years stepped away from Snape who threw both of them a dirty look.

'Be careful of what you drink later,' I whispered to them when we left. They both nodded seriously.

My ribs ached, but my nose had stopped bleeding and I didn't feel all that worse for wear. The bruises, however, soon appeared, and I would rather have died than to admit that Snape had a rather mean right hook.

He stared at me with a look that clearly told me this was not over while we walked. I sneered at him, but he didn't even blink. Creepy boy.

'What's your problem?' I hissed when he showed no signs of looking in any other direction. He raised an eyebrow.

'You,' he stated simply.

----

The Headmaster had a look of disappointment on his face when he saw us entering his office. His eyes widened just a fraction at my bloodied state, but he gathered himself quickly.

'I had hoped what happened last time between you two would have made you realize that nothing can be solved by hate.' He folded his hands on the desk in front of him and looked at us with bright, blue eyes.

The silver objects clicking and ticking all around in his office shone bright in the candlelight. The Headmasters and Headmistresses through the centuries slept contently in their portraits. It all fit, except the dark, skinny boy beside me. Like a wrongly tuned violin in an otherwise perfect orchestra.

'In these days it is nothing but foolishness that drives us to fight amongst ourselves,' continued the Headmaster looking very serious, 'we fight against a greater enemy, as I am sure you are all aware. And we cannot win if you insist on striving between each other.'

'Who ever said I will fight for you?' asked Snape coldly standing stiff as a pole. Dumbledore stroked his beard and gazed at him sadly.

'No, of course you will have to choose your own path. But I will grieve if you do indeed wish to follow Riddle.'

I was agape. How could Dumbledore be so calm when Snape practically admitted to a future career as a Death Eater? Not that I was shocked at that revelation no, but who would be so stupid as to admit it in the first place?

'You can't be that thick?' I burst out before realizing it.

'It seems like you both take it for granted that just because I won't fight _for_ you, I will fight _against_ you.' He looked back at me and raised an eyebrow, he did that a lot. 'No wonder so many Slytherins do, when it's already given that they will. Instead of persuading me otherwise, the Headmaster accepts it as my choice. Would he if it was you who decided to "turn"?'

'I have had a long history with Slytherins,' stated Dumbledore, 'and even if you only want the best for them, in the end they will only follow their own hearts and ambitions.'

'I suppose we will have to agree to disagree on that statement, Headmaster,' answered Snape and crossed his arms.

'Well, why don't you two take a seat then,' the Headmaster gestured towards the two chairs behind us, and we did as bidden. Of course I couldn't help but make a fuss of moving my chair further away from Snape's, but to my surprise it didn't seem like he cared. Neither by expressing relief at my decision, or in tossing me one of his glares. He was busy studying a little silver sphere trapped inside an invisible box.

'Tell me Mr. Snape, what happened?'

'I hit him,' shrugged Snape, as if that was the most natural thing in the world.

'Yes, I can see that, but was there any provocation that led you to do such a thing?'

'Only a murder attempt,' he sneered.

'I doubt that Mr. Black tried to kill you,' said the Headmaster calmly, 'the-' but he was cut short by Snape.

'How many times have _you_ stared a werewolf in the eyes Headmaster?' he hissed, 'do you know I will have these scars for the rest of my life? Werewolf wounds can't be healed by magic!'

'I can understand your hatred and anger, Severus,' nodded Dumbledore sadly, 'I really can. What Black did to you is unforgivable, and I think he knows that. But it cannot be undone, and even though it was a despicable action, I doubt very much it was meant to take your life. It was Gryffindor stupidity, if that is easier for you to understand.' Snape leaned back in his chair and looked at me.

'So if I by "accident" poured poison in Black's goblet, will it be excused as Slytherin cunning?' He smiled. Never having seen him smile before, I found I wished I would never have to see it again. It was disturbing. A smile without any joy, only Snape would be able to do that.

'No it won't Severus. I expect more intelligence from _you_,' Dumbledore winked at Snape who hid his smile behind a hand. My eyes grew bigger; the Headmaster insulted me in front of a Slytherin. For the second time that day I was speechless. And hurt.

'But though your actions today are understandable Mr. Snape,' continued the Headmaster in a sterner note, 'fighting _is_ against the school rules, and I will have to punish you. Mr. Black here is already serving detention for what happened by the Whomping Willow, and I suggest you will share it with him the next couple of weeks. And twenty points from Slytherin.' Snape looked at him in slight disbelief.

'I suppose that is for us to learn to get along and understand more of each other?' he asked, his lip twitching in disgust. Dumbledore laughed and nodded.

'It is indeed. Forgive an old man his naivety for a while Mr. Snape and humour me. Now you can leave, but I want a few more words with you Mr. Black.' I sank back in my chair, my stomach growling loudly. If this kept on I would never be able to reach down in time for dinner. Snape got up from his chair and gave me a last glare of promising death before he closed the door behind him. 'Headmaster,' I pleaded at once, 'he will kill me! Didn't you see the look he gave me?'

'There will be teachers there making sure that won't happen,' the Headmaster said as if it were of no concern at all that a crazed Slytherin with a grudge was after me.

'I don't think you understand,' I said seriously, 'he isn't sane. There is something wrong in here.' I tapped the side of my head meaningfully.

'He has had a difficult life,' said Dumbledore sadly, 'it can make a person react in incomprehensible ways for us others.'

'Remus has had no easy life either; still he doesn't go around inventing curses and poison people.'

'Remus is another kind of person and you know that Sirius,' said Dumbledore patiently, adjusting the ribbon in his long silver beard.

'Why did you insult me like that Professor, in front of Snape?' I asked quietly, he must have known how much that had stung.

'You see Sirius, as I already said; Snape is a very difficult person to handle. To get an idea through to him you have to think like he does. You are certainly not stupid,' the Headmaster smiled kindly, 'but sometimes you do quite stupid things and you can't deny that.'

Well, I couldn't to be honest. Sometimes I just got too carried away, and teasing Snape was just too much fun to miss out on.

'I expect you to stay away from Mr. Snape, and to not anger him during your detentions, please. I ask this of you because I have a feeling that as long as Mr. Snape is left in peace, there will be no confrontations, and you are adult enough to manage that task, are you not?'

I nodded, a bit uncertain about that myself, but taking my stunt last full moon into consideration, I really didn't want to disappoint the Headmaster again. It would make Remus happy too, to hear I was burying the hatchet with Snape. He never liked the pranks much.

'Very well then,' said Dumbledore smiling as he got up from his chair, 'that was all I wanted to say. Now go down to the hospital wing, I am sure Madame Pomfrey has something for those bruises.'

---

I managed to reach the Great Hall just a few minutes before the food disappeared and grabbed all that I could in a napkin before heading up to the Gryffindor tower. I didn't really have much time for dinner anyway, seeing as the homework just kept on growing every day and a wonderful evening of detention was awaiting me. Two weeks of being stuck in the same room as Snape, cleaning cauldrons and trophies, washing toilets and stone floors... It would be a nightmare no matter how I looked at it

'Hey, Sirius, we heard Snivellus beat you up today. That true?' was the cheery greeting I received from James the second I entered the Gryffindor common room. There they sat, all three of them around their usual table by the fire, all engaged in homework except James, who thought himself above such things. I shrugged and fell down in my chair, chewing on an apple.

'He got detention, and lost twenty points,' I informed them.

'So it's true, Snivellus, _Snivellus_, beat you up?' Peter looked scandalized at this, and James couldn't keep back his laughter.

'Well, I didn't see him, ok?' I defended myself feebly, 'I was just standing there talking to Alice when suddenly he hits me into the wall and starts beating me. If it had been an honest fight I could have taken him without any problems. Besides, he didn't beat me _up_, per say.'

'But at least he got detention for it,' said James reasonably, 'to be so stupid as to actually attack you in the middle of a crowded corridor?'

'Hah, he getting detention would all have been nice and dandy, if Dumbledore hadn't decided he should serve it with _me_.' I gave them my best martyred look.

'But he will kill you!' gasped Peter, elbowing a laughing James in the side.

'You deserve it,' muttered Remus from the other side of the table. I felt like rolling my eyes at him, but refrained from it. I had expected as much.

'I told Dumbledore just that, Peter,' I said instead, 'believe it or not, Snivellus as much as said that he would become a Death Eater. In front of Dumbledore! Can you believe it?'

'He always was one for dramatics, Snape,' said James after having calmed down from his untimely giggling fit. 'I'm sure not even you-know-who would have him on his side.'

'Oh, I dunno,' objected Remus quietly, 'Snape is excellent in potions, and quite clever in the Dark Arts.'

'He would just grease all over the place,' I said, taking a bite of the apple. 'It wouldn't be worth it.'

'You're an idiot, Sirius,' huffed Remus and closed his books. 'Just leave him alone would you?'

And with those parting words he got up from his chair and headed for the dorms. He had done that a lot lately, whenever I was around.

I shrugged and leaned back in my chair, finishing off the rest of my food. I didn't really have much time for homework before the dreaded detention. Having threatened with leaving me like I was as a lesson, Madame Pomfrey had only grudgingly healed me up when I gave her my best puppy dog eyes. My cheeks reddened at the thought of so many people having seen me being physically attacked by Snape, and without even defending myself. I had just lien there like a drunkard. Normally I would have sworn bitter revenge against Snivellus, but not this time. It was getting too serious, more violent and with less play. No one thought it funny anymore.

'Isn't it typical of Dumbledore though, to give you detention together and all,' mused James, organizing his exploding snap cards.

'He always finds the best in everyone, even Snape,' commented Peter between his piles of books. 'Dumbledore probably thinks a few hours together will make Sirius and Snape realize how similar they really are or something just as silly.'

'Yeah,' I shrugged, ''s not going to happen though. He's an arse, no matter how much you try to understand his ''dark and misunderstood past". I'm just going to do my task, and he will do his, and that's that. Dumbledore said I was to ignore him so that's what I'll do.'

'Such a good time for pranks too,' said James with mock sadness, 'such opportunities. You're not going to take them?' I squirmed uncomfortably.

'No I don't think it's the right time for anymore pranks just now.' Both Peter and James nodded seriously at this. The atmosphere between us and Remus had been quite uncomfortable as of late.

'Good choice mate,' said James, 'as long as Snape manages to stay clean of you that is.'

---

I headed for McGonagall's office five to eight and had to run most of the way. I had always been bad at keeping track of time, and with McGonagall's temper being as it was, I didn't dare to challenge her. Just as I ran down the last corridor before my destination someone yelled my name. Stopping and turning I found it to be none other than Snape. My mouth automatically pulled into a predatory grin, but it didn't seem like he noticed.

'Dumbledore didn't tell me where to meet. I presumed it to be Professor McGonagall's office,' he didn't look at me while he talked, but fumbled with his bag.

'Yeah, it's her office. How did you know?'

'Seeing as you originally had the detentions it's obviously your Head of House that keeps them,' sneered Snape. 'Idiot.'

Before I was able to give some sort of comeback on the insult, the office door opened and an angsty looking first years came out. He looked at us with huge eyes, making sure to keep as great a distance as possible while walking past us.

'Boo!' hissed Snape, startling the child so much that he began to run down the corridor.

'Mr. Snape!' A recognizable voice reprimanded from the open door. 'I would like you to stop scaring my first years. Ten points from Slytherin.'

'I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be brave Professor, forgive me.'

'Ten more points for your cheek Mr. Snape. Now you two get inside my office.'

It didn't take long before we found out that our next couple of hours would be spent in the hospital wing counting healing salves and writing them down. Tedious work, but it could be done in silence, and that was all I wanted. Dumbledore's promises of protection were not kept, however, since McGonagall made her excuses not moments after and disappeared out the door. Madame Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen.

And with Snape, things rarely go as you plan. Not even ten minutes had passed before I found him stealing glances at me. Humoured glances, even.

'What?' I barked at him. He put on an innocent face, or at least what I presumed he thought to be innocent.

'I'm just surprised you could count, that is all,' he answered with a shrug, returning to his own boxes of salves.

'Do you _want_ to anger me?' I asked him, sitting back on my heels and glaring.

'Do you _want_ to kill me?' he asked in return, looking up at me with a serious and scrutinizing gaze. I didn't quite know what to answer, but he continued, ''because I suppose I could understand that.'

'No,' I answered at last, ''I don't want to kill you.'

'Then why...' Snape looked down at his boxes, 'why did you do that then? Why did you let me see Lupin?'

'I don't know,' I answered truthfully, not able to make up any descent or indecent excuses. I honestly did not know why I had acted as I had. Perhaps I knew then, at the time, but that reasoning was gone from my mind now. All that was left was hurt of having done something like that to Remus.

'I always knew you were cruel,' said Snape after awhile, 'but never evil. Next time you try to kill me, please do it properly.' His piercing black eyes looked at me through a curtain of dark hair as he said this. But there were no venom or spite in them.

He couldn't possibly be angry at me for _not_ having been able to kill him? My jaw hit the floor when the realization struck me like a thunderbolt.

'You're insane,' I whispered mortified. He only shrugged at me and returned to his work. No more was said that evening.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

That night I slept poorly, my mind insisting on returning to what Snape had said over and over again: _"next time you try to kill me, please do it properly."_

Of course I had always known the Slytherin to be a nutcase, but I never, in my wildest nightmares, imagined hearing that phrase from _anyone_. I was no murderer. What I had done at the willow had been a horrible mistake, and I recognized that. I had apologized to Remus over and over again, but it didn't seem like he was inclined to forgive me just yet. James said it would take time, but he would come around, Remus always did after all. I, on the other hand, wasn't so sure anymore. And even if Remus did forgive me, there would be a splint in our relationship forever. We both knew I had almost cost Remus his education, reputation and perhaps even life. I certainly didn't need the added bonus of Snape trying to guilt trip me with his huge black eyes and uneasy behaviour.

I would not feel guilty for him. It was just as much _his_ fault for listening to me and going to the Whomping Willow in the first place. If it hadn't been for his undying curiosity, none of this would have happened. Then again, I knew him well enough to be certain he would follow that note.

Turning and twisting in my sheets until they were nothing but a great lump, I finally fell asleep when the first rays of day started to shimmer through the curtains.

Tired beyond belief I tried to stuff a spoon of porridge in my mouth, but it ended up my nose instead. The next try didn't harvest any better result, and in the end I just gave up and stuffed a few slices of bread in my bag for later.

"So, how did the detention with Snape go?" asked James sitting there just as glorious and bright as always.

"Ugh," I replied, trying to build a castle with my food. Sadly it just continued to look like a bowl of porridge.

"Ugh indeed my dear friend," said James, throwing an arm around my shoulders, "what did the greaseball do to you?"

"Nothing," I replied watching as my tower slowly sank down into the moat.

"Doesn't sound like nothing," Peter cut in sounding slightly worried, "you look terrible."

"Why thank you, that's exactly the look I am going for," I replied sleepily shrugging off James' arm.

"Well, there he is," Remus pointed his spoon in the direction of the Slytherin table. I followed it and soon found Snape nibbling at a piece of toast, looking highly uncomfortable. Sitting beside him was the usual mob of Slytherins: Rosier, Avery, Walden, Lestrange and of course my little brother Regulus. He was always their little tag along, but it didn't seem like they minded much. And because my brother had gotten it into his head that he needed to have everything I hated, he had consequently begun to obsess over Snape. It was quite disconcerting.

"Sirius, I think it's important you tell us what he did or said," urged James, "he can't get away with it you know. He will think he won."

"He didn't say anything specific at all," I told him in what I hoped was a convincing tone. "He was Snape of course, but nothing more than that."

"Seems unlikely though, that he won't make any comeback after the Willow incident," mused Peter. Remus squirmed uncomfortably in his chair, putting down his toast with a look of distaste on his face.

"Must we talk about this?" he asked, "if Snape didn't do anything perhaps he realized it's just not worth it anymore."

"Remus, I understand this bothers you, but you can't say Snape isn't the kind of person who wouldn't take revenge if granted the opportunity," tried James to reason stretching over the table to pat him on the back. "This is just a silence before a terrible storm. Better have Sirius prepared for it."

"If Snape wants revenge, let him have it," Remus bit James off and looking irritated. "I'm heading for class." And without giving me a chance to stop him, Remus had taken his bag and left. What a wonderful start to the morning.

I had halfway expected the following classes with Snape to be some kind of hell. But I didn't notice him anymore than I usually did. He was always so quiet… Except, of course, for the burning need he had to correct the teachers at every other sentence. The teachers had had enough of him a long time ago and took points for each time he interrupted class. It didn't seem like this scared Snape much. I wondered idly if he would continue even if one of the teachers threatened him at the point of their wand. I concluded that he probably would.

But because I was just too engrossed in my note exchanging with James, I didn't really pay much attention in Ancient Runes. Upon hearing my name called out my head snapped up and I found the entire class staring at me. Everyone except Snape. He had collapsed on his desk, arms covering his head in a look of complete defeat. Understanding the lost look on my face, Professor Rosemary was kind enough to recite what she had just said.

"Mr. Black, we are having a project, as I'm sure you already know, and I will divide you all in pairs. And seeing as the Slytherin versus Gryffindor Quidditch game is approaching us, I thought it nice to blend you the two classes. You will be going with Mr. Snape." She smiled kindly at me, as if she had done me a real favour. I swore it was a conspiracy. Dumbledore must have organized a staff meeting where he had announced that the professor who managed to ruin my day in the most creative way would win a weekend in Spain.

"Now, everyone, get to it!" sang Professor Rosemary while clapping her hands. She must have gotten too much of her caffeine. I gave James a look of utter despair, but he winked reassuringly at me.

"Can't be that bad," he said, "Snape's good in Runes, use him for the little he is worth. Think about me; I'm paired up with Rabastan Lestrange. Now he is _strange_. Got it? Lestrange is strange?" James almost doubled over with laughter at his own joke while I packed up my books and notes. Sometimes I pitied Evans for having his total and undivided devotion. No wonder she had taken to charm her hair in different colours and wear sunglasses between classes.

Snape was still hiding his head under his arms and didn't look up when I made myself comfortable at his desk.

"So, what's the project about?" I asked, watching as he uncovered his head and sat up straight in his chair with a look of utter pain on his face.

"We are to find an ancient text in futark and translate it into modern day English. Then we are going to write a paper about the text, and if it is a potion, charm or any other jinx we are going to try it to see if we managed to translate it correctly. Got it?"

I shrugged and casually leaned my chair back on two legs, a bad habit I had acquired while I tried to think. I figured it had to be too good a temptation not to take when my chair tipped backwards and the last thing I saw before hitting the floor was Snape's gleeful face.

"Oh my, oh my! Mr. Black, are you alright?" squealed Professor Rosemary. My head pounded harshly and her shrill voice made it feel like my brain was bleeding out my ears. "What happened?"

"It would seem like the chair's leg couldn't take his weight, Professor," explained Snape slimily, "he crashed pretty badly with the stone floor."

"My goodness, that's terrible!" Professor Rosemary's curly blonde hair came into my hazy view. "Let me help you up, _poor _boy."

When I had finally gotten a new chair with all four legs intact and the other students had stopped staring at me I leaned over the table and whispered;

"I thought we were done with the pranks?"

Snape looked at me with his funny expression, the one between surprise and sarcasm, "are you blaming me for your chair breaking, Black?"

"The teacher might be dense, but what do you really think of me?" An eyebrow was quirked, "no, don't answer that. Anyway, these chairs are made of iron; I doubt they would just break." Snape didn't seem much faced at this revelation, opting to focus his concentration on whatever he was looking for in his bag.

"They are very old chairs," he said, then dragged out an ancient looking scroll, a scroll of deerhide it looked like. "Don't make such grimaces Black," he told me sternly, "I knew about this project from one of the older students and I thought we could translate this. It has been lying around for ages and I've been dying for a chance to translate it."

"Do you know what it is?" I asked carefully, anything that could get Snape this excited was worthy of the greatest care.

"A potion or poison by the looks of it," he said starting to get up from the table.

"Where are you going?" I asked, secretly hoping he had found a way for us to work in each our part of the castle.

"Now, let's see," he said striking a pose of deep pondering, tapping his chin with his index finger. "Where does one usually go to translate a script?"

I shrugged, leaning my chair back again. Usually Remus was the one to take care of the academics.

"You go to the library," Snape sneered, "imbecile."

"Well, do I have to come? We both agree you're the better one at this, and you actually _want_ to do it."

"Doesn't matter, you're coming too."

"But why? That's absurd," I moaned while slowly getting up from my chair.

"It's not absurd. Now you'll actually _earn_ your high grades by working instead of just your amazingly good looks."

"You think I'm good looking?" I asked, brushing a hand through my hair in James fashion.

"No, but you think you are, so come."

We made our way to the library in silence, and I found myself amazed that we had spent almost half an hour in each other's company. There had not even been any attempts at murder. Of course, I still had a decent bump after my encounter with the floor, but that was nothing compared to how it used to be.

"Snape," I ventured after a bit of silence. "Is it true that you don't find me attractive?"

Snape turned and stared at me with a look of incredibility.

"What?" he barked, "why on earth would you care?"

"I don't really, just thought I should ask."

"Merlin, you're messed up."

At the library I had to endure Madame Pince's evil eye. Many a prank had been done here, and she certainly did not approve of it. Snape just ignored her, as he mostly did with things he found unpleasant, and headed straight for the restricted section.

"We're not allowed in there," I whispered, watching as he crawled under the barrier.

"Well, if I'm right this futark script is poison, and illegal. We will find it already translated in here I think." He turned to me, his mouth crooked into an amused grin. "Since when did you care about what is allowed and not?"

"Since Dumbledore threatened me with expulsion," I returned. But never having been a coward, I followed him into the deeper parts of the library.

"Would serve you right to get expelled," Snape sneered while he squinted at the faded titles in the dark. "Why you haven't been booted out sooner is a mystery."

I was actually a bit curious about that myself. McGonagall had threatened me thousands of times, but each time Dumbledore would persuade her otherwise. I had asked him once, and he had said that he would rather have me influenced by good natured pranks than my own family. It was no secret what kind of magic they practiced, neither what kind of politics they supported. I thanked Andromeda Tonks, my cousin, for having introduced me to other parts of the wizarding society. My parents had of course found out, and forbidden me to spend any more time with her. But no more had been needed; the seed was sown. Consequently, meeting James on the train to Hogwarts at the age of eleven had been enough for my values to be properly cemented in stone.  
But I pitied Regulus. After I had denied my family in such a disgraceful fashion, they had made sure in all ways possible that he would not end up like me. No wonder he was so unbalanced. When I thought of it, all Slytherins were. The specimen trying to battle a hissing and spitting book to the ground in front of me included.

"Do you need any help?" I asked, returning from my own thought. The book was spitting at Snape, who bit it in return.

"_No_," he answered indignantly before maneuvering it underneath himself so he could stun it with his wand.

"Isn't it typical though," I said, while Snape angrily leafed through the book. "That we are assigned detention together, and then we have to do a project on top of it? The teachers are very set on making us best buddies."

"They're Gryffindors," answered Snape, writing it all off with that simple statement. "With those it's best to just act along."

The rest of the class passed and nothing more of importance happened. After lunch James and I decided to skip the reset of the day, but Peter and Remus insisted that they had an important test in Arithmancy they could not miss. We talked about everything and nothing, especially Evans. It didn't seem like James would let go of his obsession anytime soon.

"You should play a bit more hard to get," I advised, "girls like the thought of guys they can't have."

"What do you know about what girls want?" grinned James, winking at me.

"Because I'm not going to make a move on them, girls actually tell me quite a few things," I explained lazily, enjoying the last warmth of October.

"Is it just me, or do you and Snape spend unreasonably much time together?" asked James, "I mean, there is nothing more is there?"

"What d'you mean by that?" I asked heatedly. James only raised his eyebrows in return. "If you think I have anything for Snape, _Snivelus_ damn it, I'll kill you as slow and painfully as I can. It was _they_ who put us in detention together; it was _they_ who absolutely wanted us doing that lame project! If you might notice nothing of that is any of _my_ doing."

"Calm down," laughed James, "I'm only teasing you. Gotta do the best out of the situation right?"

"I still don't think it's funny," I mumbled, getting up from my spot on the dank grass. The very thought of having something with the greasy Slytherin repulsed me. Having to spend so many hours each day with him was bad enough, I didn't need James reminding me about it on top of it all. Reminding me about Snape's lanky hair, his curiously black eyes… or about his height that, by coincidence, made his head fit nicely on my shoulder-

I stopped in my tracks down to the lake utterly shocked at my own thoughts. I had heard about transferring pictures or thoughts to others' minds; telepathy. Turning around I glared at James, but he seemed too engrossed in his hair to send any thoughts of importance. Sometimes I hated my own mind; it made me do the strangest things. Things like endangering my best friend by telling the slyest Slytherin in history about his darkest secret.

It's never easy when you realize you have just made the biggest mistake of your life, and you _know_ it can never be undone. I think I aged several years seeing Remus' eyes when I told him what I had done to him in his lupine state. He would never truly forgive me, and certainly never trust me again.

"Hey, Sirius, why're you looking so down?" asked James who had gotten up and wandered up beside me while I was lost in my own thoughts.

"I was just thinking about Remus," I answered truthfully, not really expected James to be able to comfort me on the matter.

"I've said it a dozens of times Sirius: Remus loves you and he will come around. He knows you didn't do it to hurt him."

We stood there for a while just looking at the steely surface of the great lake bathed in sunshine. The trees were all golden and red, making such peaceful scenery. It was difficult not to be influenced by it.

"You saved Snape though," I said after a while, "if you hadn't, Remus would probably even be dead by now. How did you know what was going on?"

"Peter told me. Apparently he had seen Snape go down to the Willow just before we were to follow. I figured out the rest myself."

"Snape looked pretty bad though, didn't he," I said silently, "with all the blood." James nodded mutely. It had been quite a horrid scene. Snape lying soaked in blood, robes ripped open and a drooling Remus in wolf shape standing over him. For a while there I had feared he had been bitten, the way he had been screaming.

Evening came, and another detention with Snape approached. This time we were to polish everything in the trophy room. Without magic, of course. Snape didn't seem very pleased, and used half an hour doing nothing but swearing and tossing the medals around. I told him that if he shut up and worked perhaps we would finish before midnight. That had only earned me a scathing glare and tirades of insults. He seemed to be in a deadly mood. So much so I suspected it had to be more than just dirty trophies. I was afraid to ask, but I eventually did.

"None of your business, Gryffindor scum," he spat in my face.

"Come on, it can't possibly be that bad can it?" I asked and instantly regretted it. Baring his teeth Snape tossed the goldplate he had been polishing in the general direction of my head. I barely managed to duck in time and watched as it smashed into the wall behind me. I leapt to my feet in shock.

"Stop taking your anger out on me, you psychopath!"

"Then stop breathing the same air as me you mutt!"

Another medallion was sent through the air, this time just a few centimeters from my left ear. Realizing that attack would be the best defense I managed to grab his arm just as he was about to toss another. He hissed like a snake and tried to twist his way out of my grip, but being a beater on the Gryffindor Quiddich team gave me a certain advantage. He did surprise me with his insistency however. I had to take a better grip with both hands and it was a strange feeling to have his body trash against mine. He seemed quite beyond himself with anger, something I counted my lucky stars for. If he hadn't been he might have noticed a part of my anatomy that was just a bit too intrigued by the contact.

Forcing him up against the nearby wall I pinned him in place by his upper arms. He seemed to have calmed down, realizing how much stronger I was.  
But instead of giving him a stern warning or smash him one more time against the wall, I found myself kissing him. I didn't know what made me do it, but my lips crushed his, and my tongue was inside his mouth. Which was so warm, and so good, and just so perfectly right.

I couldn't stop until my breath was gone. Letting go of my grip, I stared at him half drugged by the experience. His black eyes were bottomless as always, but the hand striking my cheek certainly expressed his feelings. He was out of the room before I even had the time to grasp what had happened between us.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

It was early in the morning, but I was already on my way down to the Great Hall for breakfast. As predicted it was almost empty except for two Hufflepuff girls and a lone Slytherin. None of them seemed quite awake yet.

Last night had not granted me any more sleep than the previous one. It felt like little house elves were sitting inside my head, gnawing at my consciousness. I had kissed Snivellus. I had kissed Snape. I had _kissed_ him. The thought of it still made my cheeks burn. I wondered whether he had told the whole Slytherin common room yet. He probably would. What a thought that would be: me, Sirius Black, in love with the scruffy Severus Snape. No one was in love with Snape, it was common knowledge. But still I found myself oddly attracted to him. Perhaps it was the Stockholm syndrome, it had probably manifested because of the detentions we had had to spend together. Or perhaps even more likely: Dumbledore had cast some kind of spell or jinx on me so that we would learn to "care for each other" more. I made a nasty grimace and threw myself down on the bench, staring mournfully at the toast in front of me.

I wasn't really hungry, so I didn't know why I had bothered to dress and come down in the first place. It was just a habit I figured. If you let yourself just drift, the Great Hall was where you ended. I wondered if this was subconscious or a spell set on the castle so that first years wouldn't get lost as easily. It certainly would have helped me as a first year I concluded. But then again, we wouldn't have had even half the fun we had had without the extensive exploration of the castle.

Ah yes, those were the days, when worries had been the last thing to cross our minds. Our reality contained only pranks, laughter, making fun of Snape and eating. Now I didn't have much of an appetite to speak of, pranks I could just forget until Remus didn't hate me as much as he did, and as for Snape… well I had _kissed_ him. Growing up was difficult. You were given more responsibilities, people kept expecting things of you, and truth be told, I really wasn't certain whether I could handle it.

It seemed like I had disappointed just too many people in too short a time. I was confusing and disappointing even myself. It could be a normal thing about this growing up business, but it didn't seem like James had the same problem. He never let anyone down, always the perfect one. Good grades, star of the Quidditch team, good looking. Straight.

It had been quite the shocker when I found my attraction to men was stronger than my attraction to females. At first I had been worried, angst ridden to be precise. But we had all accepted Remus' secret, so then why not mine?

And of course I had been right. Remus had simply smiled saying he already knew. James had just shrugged, he was happy there was one less competitor now. Peter had seemed a bit disquieted at first, but when he saw how James and Remus had reacted, he just took it with a smile and never mentioned it again. Great friends.

Then I went ahead and ruined it. I wondered how they would handle the news of me kissing one of our greatest school enemies. Just some hours ago I had hated Snape with all my heart, and as far as I knew, I still did. But then… why the attraction?

My voice of reason, which was a crippled little thing, told me it was most probably because we were both boys. Being so close to Snape had fooled me into thinking I liked him physically. It had happened with people before. Probably Snape must've been gay too, or at the very least bisexual. Straight he was not, _that_ I knew.

Just the vibes occurring between two hormone-crazed teenagers, nothing more. It was really that simple, I didn't want to fool myself into believing anything else. The next time I saw him, I was sure I would feel nothing but the regular repulsion at his greasy state and uneasy behaviour.

Taking the rest of my uneaten toast in my hand, I made my way out onto the grounds. I needed to think, and the quiet of a chill October morning was perfect for such a doing.

I had faced bigger problems before. My family existed of people I rarely encountered or talked to willingly. If I against all reason found myself having to engage in some form of family gathering with them, it always ended in nasty fights. I was shunned by them and viewed as a failure. I had good friends to make up for it, and James' family had more or less become my own. There was no lack for care or love, but still, I missed having what James, Remus and Peter almost took for granted. A home to return to at the end of a school year, a sanctuary and a place where you received unconditional support. I had just been born into the wrong family, and we all knew I didn't belong there.

Walking around the castle and down to the lake I turned to the right and followed the shore. The surface was a dark blue this morning, disturbed by the continuing wind. The small waves hit softly against the rocks, gently wetting them before retreating again. It was a beautiful morning, I couldn't deny that. But the thoughts going through my head made it strangely melancholic. It felt like something was missing, and I couldn't put my finger on just what. Probably my friendship with Remus. I hadn't had a decent talk with him in a long time, and I desperately needed it. The thought of having lost him made my throat tighten and I tossed the rest of my breakfast into the water, watching as the bread rode on the restless waves.

Sighing, I continued on my path around the lake, not really knowing if I bothered coming back for classes. It was difficult to find the inspiration to care.

Upon entering the open grove of ashes I noticed a black and unmoving pile of clothing lie against one of the trees. Carefully I moved closer, keeping in mind that it could be anything this close to the Forbidden Forest. When I was half a meter away from it, it jerked suddenly, startling me enough to give a half-shout before leaping back. The pile of clothing jumped too, and a pair of black eyes stared wide eyed at me before narrowing in recognition.

'_You_!' he hissed, 'what are you doing here you maniac? Are you following me? Can't you just leave me THE HELL ALONE!' The last he roared right into my face even though he had to stand on his toes to do so. His sickening pale skin had turned pinkish through his effort and anger, and the blue shades underneath his eyes made him look like a blushing skull.

'How in Merlin's name was I supposed to know you had to sit right here in my path?' I hollered back, feeling my own anger and irritation at the situation grow.

Snape deflated at the anger in my voice and he shrank back, eyes resting uneasily on my face.

'Just leave me alone would you?' he said quietly at last, tugging his great robes protectively around himself.

'Well, I'm sorry,' I said without really meaning it, 'but I was just taking a walk to think, I didn't know I would encounter you here. I swear.'

Snape mouth quirked into a half-smile and a few strange hiccupping sounds emitted from him.

'You thinking? You have to make up a better lie than that. It's too easy to see through.'

'Hey, bugger off,' I muttered angrily, 'I said I was sorry didn't I?'

Snape only shrugged and crossed his arms, looking up at me through his hair. It seemed even more lanky and greasy now than it had for a long while. Didn't the boy know there were baths at Hogwarts?

The more he stared at me, the more self-conscious I became. My thoughts returned to last evening, and I became painfully aware of what I had done to him. With the way he mutely hexed me with his eyes I didn't doubt he was too.

'I don't really want to talk about what happened,' I said quietly at last, 'but I guess I have to kind of explain myself. And y'know, apologize.'

Snape's mouth fell slightly open before he closed it firmly and quirked an eyebrow at me.

'Apologize?' he echoed, 'why?'

I was about to head into a long tirade of mad explanations but his question stopped me dead. Perhaps he hadn't minded it as much as he had made me believe?

'Well… I got the impression that it was done against your will, and that's not right,' I said and kicked the ground with my sneakers.

'Huh...' was the surprisingly unarticulated answer I received. Snape shifted inside his black robes, now slightly grey because of the dirt he had been sitting in. 'When did _you_ grow a conscience?'

'Well I guess you beat one into me the other day,' I grinned rubbing my nose, hoping that it would emit a smile from him. And it did. The quirky little smile blotted his uneven and small teeth, the tip of his pink tongue slightly poking out. This somehow made me grin even more, and I found myself laughing quietly. I could almost have described him as pretty when he smiled with mirth, his face changing so drastically.

'But,' I continued, now serious, 'are you very angry with what I did yesterday?'

Snape didn't answer at once, biting his bottom lip and looking at a fallen tree lying nearby. It was covered with some sort of nasty fungus I didn't know the name on, and I was sure it was of great interest to the little Slytherin.

'I don't know,' he said at last. 'I guess I got a bit scared. You're very strong.' Snape seemed to be in an odd mood, his venom and snarkiness slightly gone. I couldn't really put a describing name on what he was. This was Snape, after all, and he didn't work as regular people do. Yet he didn't seem angry.

I took a few steps closer to him. Now I could only stretch out before touching him.

'So if I was to do it again, would you mind?' I asked with my heart hammering. I couldn't believe I was doing this. But somehow it just seemed like the right thing to do. Snape only shrugged, not looking at me at all. I took the final step closer and took a firm grip around his upper arm as I had done the night before. I could feel his entire body going rigid, but when I leaned down and brushed my lips against his closed ones, his breath hitched. He still wouldn't look at me, and it was like kissing a porcelain statue.

Deciding I wanted a reaction from him, I kissed him once more, this time more lingering. Not really wanting to touch his hair I used my other hand to cup his chin and turned his face up towards mine.

I licked his lips carefully in the hopes that he would open his mouth and let me inside. Hesitantly he did, but there were no further engagement from his side. I didn't mind though. To hold that little body, and just know how utterly _wrong_ it was for me to do this sent a chill down my spine. This was a whole different level of pranking. Kissing the enemy, _wanting_ the enemy, was just against all rules ever made between the Marauders. They would kill me if they ever were to know. This was my little dirty secret, and I wouldn't tell anyone.

When Snape started to slightly pull away from me, I finally let go of my grip on him. He seemed flushed, and slightly gasping for breath. Still his arms were crossed and his entire body was stiff as a pole.

'Why?' he asked after a few seconds of silence, 'why is it like this?'

I didn't think the question was meant for me, as I couldn't grasp how to answer it. I had no idea how desire worked, I just knew it was traitorous and surfaced when you least wanted it to.

Licking his lips, Snape seemed to be far away in his own thoughts. I was just about to say something inane to break the awkward silence when he bit down on his bottom lip so hard blood spilled down his chin. I gave a shout in surprise and was about to rush forward when he flinched violently. I stopped in my tracks and stood staring at him.

'Why the hell did you do that?' I asked, my eyes growing huge with fright and wonder. Could he ever act normally? But Snape didn't answer, only continued to dry away the blood trailing down his chin with the sleeve of his robes. Licking the lips now painted deep red, he gave me that sweet smile of his, meeting my gaze for the first time in a long while.

'Kiss me again,' he said, shaking the long black strands out of his pale face. When he asked me in such a way, I just couldn't say no.

The metallic taste was a bit odd at first, but the warm pulse beating under the ripped skin was so sensual I couldn't help but give a slight moan. My hands found his thin waist, which appeared to be even smaller inside the giant robes. I swore I could almost reach around it with my fingertips meeting. Carefully stroking his back, I could feel my libido awaken by the alien sensations.

Everything ended as soon as it began. Snape pushed me hurriedly away and began drying the blood and spittle from his lips with his sleeve. My first reaction was anger, but when I heard the leaves shuffle behind me I knew someone was approaching. Snape frantically rubbed at his lips to dry the blood away, but it just kept on spilling.

Strutting out between the trees was none other than Rosier, seemingly quite confident in finding whatever he was looking for there. His eyes widened at the sight of me however, and his lips pulled back in a sneer.

'Black,' he commented acidly, 'what are _you_ doing here?' His gaze travelled from me to Snape and back again. I was at a loss for words.

'We have an Ancient Runes project together,' Snape to explained. 'I was doing some research and asked Black to join me.'

'Research? Here? In the middle of a grove?' Rosier didn't sound convinced. His malevolent blue eyes glittering.

'You know I like to work in quiet,' Snape said, licking his lips again. 'My bags are over there,' he nodded in the direction of the tree I had found him by. He seemed adamant on lying his way out of it, but I was growing irritated. This was ridiculous.

'Sorry to burst your bubble, Rosier,' I growled, 'but I don't think what Snape does is anything of your business.'

'Oh I think finding him with the boy who has made his school-life a living hell is my business,' Rosier growled back dangerously. 'I want to make sure you haven't hurt him.' His reason for worry was legitimate enough, but I doubted strongly that was why he had come. It didn't seem like Snape believed much of it either. He had already removed himself from the confrontation and was over by the tree collecting his bag.

'Come with me, now,' Rosier commanded, all the while glaring at me with deadly venom. Snape hesitated a bit, but did as he was told. Rosier tossed him a glare and wrinkled his brow. 'Your lip is bleeding,' he commented.

Snape only shrugged and began walking back towards the castle, not caring whether Rosier was following. The blonde narrowed his eyes at me again before looking me up and down critically. The result he came to must have been negative. Sniffing the air disdainfully, he turned and marched behind Snape, who had already made his way quite a distance down the shore. Rosier caught up with him in no time, and I watched as he took a grip around Snape's neck and pushed him violently down to the ground. I felt like shouting out, but bit it back. If Rosier realized there were something more between us, he would surely put a stopper to it.

Snape had scrambled up on his knees and stared up at Rosier who was glaring down at him. The older boy only spread his arms and shook his head, at which made Snape lower his gaze. Slapping the little Slytherin hard in the back of his head, Rosier turned and kept on walking. After a while, Snape got up to follow, a bit more hesitant.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

It had started the evening of our fourth detention together, and I had to admit that whatever was between us had escalated into unknown proportions.

Again whatever unexplainable desires I had for Snape had flared up and I had kissed him. This time however, he had not become a statue; he hadn't even contented himself with a slap before fleeing. He had forcefully kicked me in the groin before spitting me right in the face. And _then_ he had run away.

This had of course rightfully angered me, and I had set up a chase after him. I was surprised to find that the little Slytherin was giving me a hard time catching him. Someone who's idea of exercise being to stir a cauldron shouldn't have been able to outrun one of the stars on the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

I had believed that the victory was mine when I had cornered him at the top of the Astronomy Tower, but Snape hadn't even looked back as he jumped up on the railing. My shout had stopped him however, and when he turned back towards me all my anger with him had faded.

Tears had trailed down his pale cheeks, and his black eyes were rimmed red, making them appear even more unreal.

'What's the matter with you?' I had asked carefully closing the door behind me, but he hadn't deigned me worthy of a reply. 'One second you actually ask me to kiss you, and then you run like a maniac the next time I try. Can't you for once just be NORMAL?' The last I had shouted out in frustration and anger at the whole situation. But instantly calmed when I saw his little body shake, dangerously balancing between life and death on the railing.

'Go away,' he sniffed and dried the new tears spilling down his face.

'I won't go away while you're like this,' I answered, wondering why I even bothered to care. It wasn't like the brat mattered to me, or I had any warm feelings for him. Except from the unnatural desire that had currently surfaced, I felt nothing but the repulsion and hatred towards him that I always had. Still I remained. It must have been the noble Gryffindor in me.

'Can't you get down from there?' I pleaded again, taking a step closer so that I could jump to the rescue in case his fragile mind had a complete melt down.

'Why do you care?' Snape hissed back at me narrowing his eyes dangerously. If he dragged his wand he would lose his grip and fall. I stopped dead in my tracks and just stared at him before shrugging. I honestly had no idea about what I was doing, or why I did it. It was ridiculous, and until now I hadn't been able to imagine even in the wildest of my dreams that I would be standing on the top of the Astronomy Tower, pleading for Snivellus _not_ to jump. But there he sat, so vulnerable and small, pale and shivering. And here I stood, wanting for nothing more but to get him down from there. What I had seen before just wasn't there like it used to be anymore. Yes, he was still skinny, but in a lithe and almost feminine way. And sure, his hair was greasy and his nose hooked, though it had never been in the abnormal way we liked to tease him with. Well except the hair, that was still an issue I couldn't get past.

'Why don't you wash it?' I asked before I could stop my big, blabbering mouth.

'Huh?' asked Snape in quite an unintelligent way.

'Your hair,' I waved at my own head to indicate what I meant, 'why don't you wash it?'

'How does that concern you?' He bit back, self consciously dragging a hand through the lanky strands.

'Yeah I know it doesn't, but get down from there now,' I sighed. 'We could go somewhere else... and you know... talk or something.'

'You've hit your head.'

'That's as good an explanation as anything else,' I conceded while walking all the way over to the railing while Snape was looking down into the depths below the tower. I took him unaware, startling him enough what he lost his grip on the railing. Taking a hold of his robes I dragged him onto the flagstones beside me. Looking down at him while I held him in my arms I found I had been right; his head fit just right on my shoulder. But Adam hadn't been in Paradise for long, and neither would I as Snape unceremoniously boxed me in the stomach with that mean right hook of his, and marched away towards the door.

'You're a bastard,' he growled glaring at me, 'just leave me alone.'

Sighing, I trailed after him yet again. I had been nice to him, I had tried to hold only decent conversations, I had even rescued him from a certain death, and still _I_ was a bastard? Both Dumbledore and Remus had asked me to leave him alone, but it seemed impossible. I just couldn't for the life of me _not_ interact with Snape in one way or another. And when bullying him was out of question, I was taking to kissing him. I couldn't understand it, I just couldn't understand why Snape had been in my mind since the first day I had seen him on the Hogwarts' Express.

'Snape, wait,' I called, and the echo of my voice got tossed back and forth between the walls. We had wandered quite a while and had ended up in the western parts of the castle. It didn't seem like Snape had any plans of listening to me at first, but eventually he slowly stopped in his tracks. He didn't turn however.

'Don't you think this is just as strange for me?' I asked, standing just behind him. Carefully I tried to rest a hand on his shoulder, but he turned around and stared at me.

'Don't touch me,' he said quietly, but deadly. The cold glare was back in his eyes, the one he had always worn whenever the Mauruders had a bit of fun at his expense. Shaking my head I placed some of my wayward hair behind my ear. It was a move that had made the girls go crazy before, but it didn't seem like it had any effect on Snape.

'Why can't I touch you?' I asked, keeping in mind that I wasn't trying to concur some swooning and wide-eyed girl this time. It looked like Snape was about to answer, but closed his mouth firmly and stared at the floor instead.

'I don't trust you,' he finally muttered, 'you've been nothing but a pain to me. Go away. Why can't you just leave me alone?' His voice choked on the last words, and his hand darted to his face, drying away new tears.

'Please don't cry,' I pleaded again, wanting to pat him on the shoulder but knew better than to touch him now.

'I'm not crying,' Snape said coldly, looking me straight in the eyes. Any trace of tears or weakness was gone; he looked completely gathered. It was as if the dramatic display on the railing had never happened.

Echoes of hurrying feet travelled down the corridor and a shadow appeared. I couldn't recognize it at once, but it seemed like Snape did, and he practically crawled in on himself.

'Snape,' the shadow sneered while walking into the lights of one of the torches hanging on the wall. My eyes widened when I recognized the person,

'Rosier?' I hissed as I clenching my fists angrily. Didn't he have anything better to do than to be following us around?

The person in question only raised an eyebrow at me before turning towards Snape again.

'Detention indeed,' he said coolly, 'and what a productive detention this is!'

Snape only shook his bowed head, avoiding any direct confrontation.

'Just piss the fuck off,' I said advancing a step towards him, but Rosier didn't seem particularly threatened at my aggressive pose and he barely spared me a glance.

'I wouldn't get my feathers all ruffled up, Black,' he said with disdain, 'you should know better than to make trouble with your betters.'

'If you don't learn to keep that ugly nose of yours out of business that isn't yours I will teach you how,' I growled back more bravely than I felt. The famous Gryffindor courage was seizing me and I knew I would end up doing really stupid things if I didn't find a way around it.

'Who's to say this isn't my business?' Rosier murmured and turned his concentration fully on me, apparently having forgotten all about Snape who carefully inched back.

'I can't imagine how Snape's detention has anything to do with you, and who he is serving it with,' I grit back, feeling my temper rising dangerously.

'And I can't imagine why you feel you should care whether I'm concerned with Snape's detentions or not,' answered Rosier as he slithered his way around the subject as only a Slytherin knew how. I was struck dumb for a few seconds, my brain feverishly trying to come up with an answer as to why I actually _did_ care about Snape and Rosier's business.

'Well, having to see you around every corner does make it a concern for me,' I finally retorted, already writing a mental note to tell James all about the encounter later.

'If you hadn't been stalking Snape the way you do, you hadn't really needed to meet me either, don't you agree?' snorted Rosier while crossing his arms, smirking. He knew he had cornered me.

'Well, what are your reasons for following Snape?' I asked, unconsciously mimicking his pose by crossing my arms in turn.

'I bet they're pretty similar to your own reasons,' he suddenly grinned. 'He's quite _lenient_ isn't he?'

"Wha-" I began and I looked over at Snape to see his reaction, or at least over to where the little Slytherin bastard had previously stood. Somehow he had managed to sneak away without my notice, leaving me alone with someone who wouldn't mind mopping the floor with the beater of the opposing Quiddith Team. Carefully I moved my hand towards my wand pocket in case Rosier wanted to test my dueling skills.

'Ah, don't bother,' he huffed. 'I'm not interested in getting into any sorts of trouble with_ you._' Rosier turned on his heel. But just before he was to disappear around the corner he growled over his shoulder: 'and if I find him with you one more time, he's the one who will pay the price. Just so you know.'

'What the hell?' I yelled back, but was only answered by my own echoing voice. The world was making less and less sense.

---

I was sitting cross-legged on my bed, a heavy Charms book resting on my lap. I hadn't as much as peaked at the text after having opened it, but was instead staring at and beyond the opposite wall. Too much was going on, and I had an awful feeling that I had just begun to uncover something I rather did not want to see. And Snape's odd behaviour was just the tip of the iceberg. Somehow I just didn't want to know the cause of it.

Starting violently when the door opened, I could feel my heart skip a beat when it turned out to be Remus entering the dorm room. After all the things happening, I was just not in any emotional state to handle being alone with him. Bowing my head I pretended to be pouring through the text, too occupied to pay him any notice. Secretly I followed his every move from underneath my lashes, feeling my skin prickle when he moved about in the room. A great lump was forming in my throat and I realized I despised his presence. Remus, who had been the first to learn about my secret, and I his, was now making me so self conscious I could hardly stand it. It felt like he was judging my every move, condemning it no matter what I did. I could feel the repulsion radiate from him, and it made me want to crawl in on myself and hide. Without even noticing, my sight vanished into a blur and huge drops of tears fell down upon the yellowed pages of the old book. A great sob escaped me before I could collect myself enough to dry them away and I could hear Remus stop in his tracks. Feverishly I tried to hide my face in my hands, but the sobs just kept on coming, and I had no idea how to stop them. Suddenly an arm came around my shoulders and the familiar scent of clean clothes and dust enveloped me.

'I'm so sorry Remus, I'm so terribly sorry,' I hiccupped into the crook of his neck, feeling the sobs completely overtaking my body. I repeated the mantra over and over again.

We sat like that for an immeasurable time, Remus petting me on my back and I either blubbering apologies or just hiccupping. I think I cried for everything I hadn't dared crying about before. The hurt of being rejected by my family, my waning friendship with Remus, James' loss of interest in me and to my surprise even the rejection I had received by Snape earlier that evening. There had been so much building up over the past few years; I hadn't even noticed what kind of burden it had been until it slowly started to loosen up inside me.

As the tears dried up and I could breathe normally, an exhausting headache ambushed me and it was impossible to still the huge yawn.

'You're such an idiot,' Remus eventually said letting go of his hold around me, though he sounded more exasperated than angry.

'I know,' I agreed while stretching out my legs, pushing the heavy Charms book to the floor with a thud. 'I'm tired of being an idiot though.'

'I have wanted to ask you...' Remus began, but stopped, looking mildly uncomfortable.

'Yeah, just ask, you know you can trust me-' I looked away as I heard my own words, feeling the sickness taking over me once again. Of course he wouldn't trust me. Even if I would rather have cut off my limbs with a teaspoon than betray him, how could he know?

'I just wanted to know…' Remus hesitated, 'since you've been spending the evenings with Snape. How is he taking it? I mean, how is he behaving? Does he have scars?'

Remus' brown eyes seemed tortured when he asked these questions. I wanted nothing more than to take a jump from the Astronomy Tower.

'He hasn't mentioned it, actually,' I answered, trying to find the right words. 'But I won't lie to you. He told me the scars would be there for the rest of his life, and he seems quite disturbed by it.' Remus hastened to get up from the bed, already shaking like a leaf by what I had told him. 'He's not angry with you though, it seems like he blames it all on me. He hasn't mentioned you by a word, not to blame you nor to threaten by spilling the truth. Something I find weird. But, I don't think he hates you, if there's someone he hates it must be me. And Dumbledore, for letting me stay after what happened.'

Slowly sinking back onto the bed beside me, Remus sighed heavily and rubbed his hands over his face.

'Have you seen the scars?' he asked, 'are they bad?'

'No, I haven't seen them, but if you want me to, I can ask about it?'

Looking at me for a long while, Remus creased his brow, 'you are really getting that friendly with him? That you can talk to him like that? After everything we have done?'

'I wouldn't say friendly with him. But yeah I guess I can talk to him, to some extent. If I say the wrong things however, he usually hits me and run off so...'

Despite himself, Remus had to stifle a laugh, and I couldn't describe how good it felt to see some merriment in his eyes again. 'I have really tried to do as you said,' I continued. 'To not tease him and actually act alright around him, I mean. As of yet I don't think he has said even a single decent thing to me.' Of course I let the tale of our numerous kisses stay a secret, since that was something I would keep strictly to myself even under the heaviest of torture.

'Snape isn't a very nice person,' Remus agreed still smiling. 'But I am glad to hear that you don't hate him anymore.'

Just as I was about to answer, the door flew open once again and in came James, closely followed by Peter. Their red cheeks and ragged breaths testified that they had just been outside in the cold October night. Probably Peter had been tossing apples in the darkness for James to catch; it was only one week left before the great Slytherin versus Gryffindor match after all. In all decency I should have been practicing too, but my hands were just too full of detention, hurt friends, homework and weird obsessions on archenemies for me to find any spare time to such trivialities. But taking James' dark scowl into consideration, it didn't seem like it was such a triviality to him.

'You,' he said pointing a gloved finger at me 'should have been outside practicing instead of sitting here and snuggle on Remus. We shall win that game you hear me!'

Ripping off his cloak he tossed it on his bed, all the while giving me a dirty glare. 'What do you think Evans would think if we lost to Slytherin, huh?'

Three loud groans could be heard collectively uttered in the room when James spoke this last inevitable sentence.

'In all honesty,' Remus said, getting up from my bed. 'I think Evans would be more impressed if you focused on your studying.'

'Oh no!' exclaimed James, his eyes growing huge in realization. 'I have forgotten my charms homework! Whatever will she _think_?'

With those parting words he hurried out of the room once again, probably intending to spend the last minutes the library was open to pour through a few books.

'If he doesn't relax soon,' said Peter ponderously, 'he'll have a meltdown.'

We all nodded to that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Only an hour had passed. Just one, _tiny_ little hour. It felt like days, months, but the arrows on the clock just wouldn't move.

I had, quite uncharacteristically for myself, gone up to the library to catch up on some homework on a Saturday morning. The reason for this change was the same as for all my recently life turning events: Snape.

He had, since last night, not left my tumbling thoughts even once, and it was driving me crazy. Tapping my parchment with the tip of my quill I contemplated what to write in my Modern Wizarding History essay. Truth be told, I wasn't even sure what the topic was about. Last history class had been spent goofing around with James.

I filched out my list of homework needed to be done in hopes of finding something just marginally more interesting than what I was doing. Skimming it my heart skipped a beat at the words "ancient rune project". I had completely forgotten my supposed group project with Snape. It was a perfect excuse to go and seek him out.

Curling the paper into a ball and shoving it down my bag, I leaned angrily back in my chair. No, I was _not_ going to seek him out. I was damned tired of chasing that sly bastard around just to get into even more trouble than necessary. I had made my amends with Remus, more or less, I didn't _need_ to be polite to Snape anymore. And I certainly didn't need to think of him twenty four seven, nor spy on him every time we ate in the Great Hall together. And least of all did I need to kiss him at all unreasonable times.

Tipping my chair back on two legs I thought about the time Snape had admitted to me being good looking. Well, he hadn't really said _he_ thought I was handsome, but he had mentioned it. Grinning for myself I let the feather end of my quill caress my lips, thinking about the four kisses we had shared this far. Four kisses and four detentions served. I suddenly realized that as soon as our time in forced confinement was over, I wouldn't have any more chances on Snape. I had never been very good at suppressing my urges, and this was no exception. I wanted Snape, and I was going to have him, no matter what.

I let the chair fall forward with a loud thud that echoed throughout the entire library. I could practically feel Madame Pince's burning glare in the back of my head, but I didn't give her as much as a sheepish grin while hurrying to pack my bags. I had my alibi; I was only going to seek Snape out so that we could discuss our Ancient Rune project.

It wasn't until I had rushed out of the library and was half way down the marble staircases that I realized I had no idea where to find Snape. Somehow I doubted I'd find him cooling it off watching the Quidditch practice down at the pit in the sun. He was most probably busy hiding in a dank corner, reading some illegal Dark Art texts on how to torture muggles. Then it dawned on me; (it was obvious really) I would be forced to sneak into the lethal serpent lair that was the Slytherin common rooms. The very thought made my skin crawl, and for a second I reconsidered all my plans. But no, I was a Gryffindor and no coward. I was supposed to be known for my bravery.

Taking the steps down towards the dungeons in less enthusiastic bounces I found myself slowing almost to a halt. I could hear a group of chattering girls approach and soon enough I saw them emerge around one of the corners. Frantically I tried to remember the layout of the deeper parts of the castle, but no recollection of a secret hiding place was forthcoming. Salazar Slytherin had known what he was doing when he constructed the dungeons in such a fashion that there existed no secret passages in, only ways to escape _out_.

The girls had by now noticed me standing there like a lost simpleton, and their eyes narrowed dangerously. One of them wore a prefect badge on her chest and I recognized them all as seventh years. I thanked my lucky stars that my cousin Bellatrix was not one of them, since we had never really been much on friendly terms. Not even as small children.

'What are you doing down here, Gryffindor?' the girl with the prefect badge asked me in a voice not questioning her authority.

'Er…' I stuttered ineloquently, 'I'm just looking for someone.'

Where did my famous fool heartedness and bravery go whenever I was alone?

'I see,' the girl answered quipped. The entire group had stopped in their tracks and stood evaluating me with their eyes. A group of boys I might have been able to handle, but girls were just that much more terrifying.

'Who is it you need to talk to?' asked another girl, her black hair shimmering in the flaming torchlight much like Snape's would have. I had to shake my head and was astounded by my own wayward thoughts.

'What?' I asked in return, not even remembering her question and feeling my confidence drop a notch for each second I stood there looking like a fool.

'Oh Merlin, come off it,' muttered the prefect, rolling her eyes skyward. 'Who are you looking for? If it's a Slytherin you're not allowed into the common rooms, so I'd have to go and get the person for you.'

'You would do that?' I asked slightly shocked, 'you'd actually do me that favour?'

'Yeah,' she laughed, and the girls behind her exchanged humoured glances. 'Actually, I'll make an exception for you, since you're cute. I'll walk you back and let you into the common room. Supervised of course.'

Having been one for pranking my entire life, I really couldn't say I trusted a word of what she had to say.

'Why?' I asked skeptically, narrowing my eyes at her. She only shrugged casually and began walking back the way she had come.

'Are you coming or not?' she asked over her shoulder, and I figured there wasn't all that many things a prefect could do if they wanted to keep their badge. Following her with trepidation, we finally reached the wall leading into their common rooms. She halted and looked at me with expectation on her face.

'So, who are you going to see?' she asked quietly, leaning closer to me with a secretive air. She probably thought this to be some kind of meeting between me and a Slytherin girl. A sort of Romeo and Juliet clandestine affair.

'Snape,' I told her as bluntly as possible to burst her romantic bubble. She grunted disappointedly and straightened up again.

'Might not be the cleverest thing to see him right now, though.'

'Why not?' I asked perplexed.

The prefect gazed at me with a calculating look, it didn't seem like the conclusion she drew was in my favour.

'Slytherin business,' she finally said with a shrug before turning towards the wall, 'Viperidae.'

The wall moved, and soon I was standing there looking into a room with a low dungeon ceiling and green lights giving of an eerie atmosphere. I couldn't believe they actually lived in a virtual cave. The first thought that hit me was the strain their eyes must be enduring, trying to do homework in such dim light. No wonder they hissed like snakes every time they were seen out in the bright sun.

'A bit dramatic, isn't it?' I asked the Slytherin, but instantly regretted it. She didn't take any notice, however, casually brushing past me and into the common room. I hesitated just a second before stepping into the dark room, feeling as if I was watching the lid of my own coffin close when the wall shut behind me. I wondered how much trouble the prefect would get in for letting a Gryffindor into the Slytherin common room. Or how stupid I had been to actually follow her. Snape was making me even more dimwitted than I usual.

Reminding me of why I had risked my life and reputation to enter the dungeon parts of the castle in the first place. But before I had the opportunity to search him out myself, the prefect did it for me.

'Hey, Snape!' she called through the dungeon room. I could faintly see a black shape move in one of the corners, the one furtherst away from the beautifully ornamented fireplace. 'You have a visitor. From Gryffindor!'

This last statement made a few other heads turn, and the book Snape must have been reading fell to the floor.

'What?' he hissed before shooting up from his chair and approaching me with lightening speed, 'what are you doing here?'

'Well, I jus-'

'Never mind, never mind. Just get out!' Snape was looking up at me with both anger and fright in his eyes, a sort of pleading look that made me almost ache inside.

'I was just going to talk to you abou-'

'It doesn't _matter_,' he whispered urgently, 'just get out!'

'But…'

'Fine, if you just get out now, I'll meet you behind the statue in the courtyard.'

The command was final and he nudged me in the back towards the exit. I had no choice but to leave again after having faced so many dangers just to get into his common room.

---

Leaning against the cold stone of the gargoyle out in the courtyard, I wondered if Snape was going to join me at all. If I previously had thought the hour in the library had been long, I was wrong. The sun might have been shining, but in the shadow of the statue a chill wind was blowing. Not having had the foresight to put on a cloak before going out I stood in my thin shirt, shivering. I absolutely refused to admit that I had gone longer to gain Snape's affection than any other crush I had ever had.

'What the _hell_ was all that about?' a low voice hissed behind me, and I felt the small hairs in the back of my neck stand on end.

'Snape!' I said with false cheerfulness and turned around with a big grin on my face. Snape stood huddled up in his cloak as was his habit, shoulders hunched and a nasty glint in his eyes.

'Don't you realize how much trouble I can get in by having a Gryffindor running around and asking after me?'

Well, truth be told, I hadn't.

'Ah, yeah… I'm sorry,' I said awkwardly, 'I didn't really consider that.'

'You're such an idiot,' Snape sighed and tossed his head back in a dramatic display of exasperation. But as he did this his hair brushed away from his face, revealing just for a second a darkening bruise around his left eye. Reacting faster than him I had his chin in a death grip, forcing him to look up at me so I could study the bruise closer.

'Who hurt you?' I growled, making his eyes widen in fear. 'Tell me, I'll fucking kill him!'

'Black,' he whimpered, 'please let me go.'

'Not unless you tell me who did this to you.' I could feel my blood boil at the thought of someone else touching Snape. _My_ Snape.

A thin hand began to carefully twist around my wrist, tugging at it lightly. Snape's eyes were wide and black, and it was obvious I was scaring him.

'Did they hurt you because I wanted to talk to you today?' I asked, feeling a surprising disgust with myself for having let Snape get into a situation where someone would use violence against him.

'You're hurting me,' he whispered, still struggling in vain at my wrist, 'I'll do what you ask, just let me go.'

'Then tell me who did this,' I demanded, crossing my arms above my chest instead, tapping my foot impatiently.

'No one did it,' Snape shrugged, inching backwards. 'I went into the dormitory without wanting to turn on the lights, and I managed to bump into my bed.'

'For a Slytherin you're an awful liar,' I said, taking a grip around his upper arm to still his attempt at escape. His body stiffened the way it always did whenever I touched him, but I had grown used to it by now and didn't care much about it. 'If you tell me, I can make him stop.'

Snape just shook his head, trying to twist out of my grip, but he could as well have been trying to move a mountain. In the end he gave up, realizing his pathetic strength would be no match to mine.

'If Rosier saw us here now…' murmured Snape biting his lip and looking over his shoulder to make sure we were the only ones there. The ground was covered in yellow leaves, the dark stones of the courtyard wall reaching towards the skies, giving an illusion of imprisonment. As if we lived in a completely different world than the one going on outside. For now it would protect us, but soon enough we would be sent out into battle to fend for our lives. A chill went down my spine and an uneasy feeling of something indistinct opened a dark void inside me.

'Sirius?' a voice questioned far away. Snapping back into the present I saw Snape's pale face look up at me. I was still holding his thin arm hard enough to snap it in two. Exasperated at myself I let go.

'I'm sorry,' I apologized while Snape gingerly tried to touch his arm with a look of pain on his face. 'You called me Sirius.'

'Yes,' confirmed Snape giving me a look that conveyed all the ways he wanted to see me die. 'You didn't listen when I called you Black. Don't get comfortable with it.'

My mind reeled for a second. I had been certain I had in some ways managed to get used to the cowed Snape who winched at my touches, but now suddenly he was back to the acid spitting snake he used to be. What little closeness I had managed to gain over the past few days was most certainly gone now.

'Well, I like the way you say Sirius, you may continue using it as long as we're alone together. And I'll call you Severus.'

'No, and _no_,' hissed Snape, letting go of his wounded arm in favour of curling his pale hands into fists. 'I am Snape, you are Black, and that's how it's always going to be.'

'Hey, Sirius! James wants you to join him at the pitch,' a voice behind me declared cheerfully. Snape had his wand drawn and a curse halfway uttered on his lips before I managed to throw myself over his wand arm. Turning around I saw Peter with a waning smile on his face and hatred in his eyes.

'Hi Peter, I didn't see you there- ouch oh _FUCK,_ Snape!' I hollered, shoving the little bastard away from myself, watching blood colouring my shirtsleeve where he had bit me. In the middle of all the confusion I saw Peter draw his own wand. The two enemies pointed it at each other with me positioned right in the middle.

The first curse flew from Peter's wand, but Snape deftly blocked it and sent one of his own in return. The nasty thing about Snape's dueling was that he had already mastered the art of silence, you never knew which curse to block before it hit you.

'Ok guys, time to stop it,' I said when a green spark shot by my left ear. 'I said STOP it!'

Peter heeded my command only partly by letting his wand arm down by his side, but Snape still stood in fighting position.

'We're going to be walking into the castle now,' I said carefully to Snape, 'and we don't want any hexes in our backs, is that ok?'

Snape's deadly glare moved from Peter and over to me, and a sneer formed on his lips. I knew what he was thinking; we had never offered him the opportunity to get away without using every dirty trick in the book. Damn Peter for breaking the short truce I had managed to build up.

---

I had been standing together with Filch waiting for Snape in the Entrance Hall for about half an hour. It was the worst time of my life. Filch seemed to have gotten it into his deprived mind that it was a conspiracy between the Slytherin and me. Many threats were made together with wistful remembrance of the good old days when he could hang students upside down in the dungeons to his heart content. I wondered why Dumbledore allowed a sadistic pedophile to work in the castle, but truth be told, there were many things about Dumbledore that didn't seem quite right to me. Like his ability to always show up whenever you thought about him. Turning around I saw the old man make his way down the marble stairs, twinkling at us.

'Hello Argus, hello Sirius,' he said cheerfully, finishing the last step. 'I just come bringing a couple of news. Sadly Snape won't be joining you in your detention tonight. He came to me and asked not to, and I thought that if I gave him a night off, I could give you one as well Sirius.'

It took a while before the words sank in, but when they did no wide grin of happiness spread across my face. Dumbledore furrowed his brow at my lack of enthusiasm at these good tidings.

'Argus,' he said, not taking his scrutinizing gaze off of me, 'would you mind checking what kind of pranks Peeves is up to again on the fourth floor? Thank you.'

The caretaker scampered annoyed away and I was left alone with the Headmaster.

'Sirius,' he began, and I sighed in defeat, 'now, I just need to have a few words with you. Come, let's walk together.'

I did as bidden and trudged heavy-hearted after him while we walked deeper into the castle.

'As I already told you, Severus came to me begging to get this night off, a wish I granted him. He didn't seem very well. I asked him if anything was wrong, but as per usual, he didn't answer.'

I nodded in sympathy, knowing full well how difficult it was to carry a conversation with Snape. Yet I was unnerved wondering what this had to do with me.

'Now, more confused than ever, I wondered whether you could help me with a few questions I am still pondering on,' admitted Dumbledore. 'It seemed like he was in pain, and not the physical sort of pain, you understand. Being old I am coming up short, this time. It's easier for someone young to know what the cause of such distraught might be…At least so I personally believe.'

Rosier popped into my mind at once. The shifty Slytherin and how he had been stalking Severus, obviously unsettling him. But I bit it in me. If this was something Severus wanted to keep to himself, I was not going to betray his trust. I was not going to tell someone else's secret one more time. I shook my head.

'Nope, sorry. I have no clue what might be ailing Severus.'

'Severus?' asked Dumbledore and halted in his steps, eyes glittering, 'you've grown that familiar with each other have you?'

'What?' I asked, feeling my heart jump up in my throat.

'You called him Severus,' smiled Dumbledore indulgently, with a decidedly "told you so" expression on his face.

'No. I didn't,' I protested, a deep, pounding blush spreading across my face. One day I would just cut out my own tongue and be done with it.

'Very well then,' hummed Dumbledore, still with the knowing look on his face. 'Just be careful. I warned you before; Severus' mind and reasoning doesn't quite work like ours. But I applaud you for trying to be his friend. Just be patient. _Very_ patient.'

The last sentence he uttered with a sort of sigh, as if he needed to remind himself of the very same thing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I had never been able to imagine how much something everyone claimed to be the best thing in the world could hurt. Love could go and hang itself.

Not that I was entirely certain it was love, but it had to be something very akin to it. Butterflies wrecked havoc in my stomach every time I saw him. Just thinking about him made me feel slightly nauseous by the intense sensation. The few times I slept I had wet dreams involving his cynical mouth. Worst of all; I found myself writing his _name_ in my notes. Him, or in other words: Severus Snape.

And how had it come to this? We who had used to be sworn enemies, we who had used to hate each other? But for all I knew he still hated me. And that hurt. It hurt so badly I no longer managed to eat or sleep.

I was watching the little body from behind while he sat pretending to eat at the Slytherin table. It was Monday morning and we had gotten the entire weekend free from detentions. Thanks in most part to Severus who had somehow managed to slither his way out of it. But tonight we were going to be forced into close quarters again, and I tried to still my heart from beating too fast.

Out from the corner of my eye I noticed James scrutinizing me. I snap my gaze back down to the ridiculous farce that's supposed to be my food. I must have been staring. If I kept this going they would find out about my dreadful secret. There was no way I could afford that to happen.

So I turned to James and gave him a brilliant smile. He returned it rather half-heartedly.

'You're doing alright?' he asked, 'you'd tell me if Snape gave you a hard time, right?'

'Yeah of course mate, I was just sitting and wondering what he was doing about that Ancient Runes project. We were supposed to work together on it after all. I'd like to know what's going on so that he doesn't hand in something illegal.'

'You got a point,' nodded James, but continuing a bit more hesitant, 'but if I don't see you at Quidditch practice soon, I will be forced to kick you off the team.'

'What?' I asked both hurt and incredulous, taken completely by surprise.

'Well, it pains me just as much as it pains you, but I can't keep talking for you anymore. The entire team is restless because of all the practice you've been skipping out on.'

'I haven't been skipping out on anything!' I strained to keep my voice calm so that I wouldn't attract any undue attention. 'I've been stuck in detentions!'

'Whatever the reason is,' continued James, 'the game is _tomorrow._ I have no plans of losing. I don't begrudge you if you prioritize other things, but then you can't keep on hanging on the team. We've been playing with Alice as our spare beater during the practices you have skipped- fine, _lost out on_, and she's been doing a wonderful job! So if you don't show up on practice this afternoon, she will take your spot on the team. Okay?'

I was speechless, I couldn't fathom that my friend was doing this to me. Did he really consider the Quidditch and his position on the team to be so important he was willing to discard me in such a way?

''Kay?' he asked, searching my face for confirmation. Raising from his seat his smile was completely and utterly fake. 'See you for transfiguration.'

Never mind class not beginning for yet another half an hour and there were no reasons for him to run away.

Staring straight ahead I caught Remus looking at me with his compassionate eyes from across the table. He had known. They had most probably talked about my slacking off.

'Hey, Sirius,' said Peter from beside me, but I didn't want to look at him. 'Don't worry. James doesn't want to throw you out. Just show up for practice this evening and everything will be fine.'

'Yeah… yeah,' I nodded and stared down into my porridge.

My first class of the day was Care of Magical Creatures together with Peter. Looking up at the ceiling and seeing the grey clouds release its heavy rain I couldn't stifle my groan.

At the Slytherin table I found to my dismay that Severus had already gone to join the same class that James attended; Astronomy. They had two daytime classes every Monday morning and a night class each Saturday at twelve. In that very moment I caught myself regretting that I signed up for Care of Magical Creatures. I felt conflicted. Even though it ached in me to stare at Severus just a bit more, the very thought of being in the same room as James made me angry. This was ridiculous, really.

'I better get going too then,' informed Remus getting up from his seat, 'you two have a nice time out in the rain. Don't get sick.'

Peter and I waved him off before giving the ceiling one last look of trepidation.

---

It wasn't as horrible outside as I had expected it to be. It was worse. I stood huddled in my cloak, much like Severus usually did, and glared out on the watered world with a dark expression on my face. Peter noticed my dangerous mood and was clever enough for once to keep his mouth shut.

Kettleburn had gotten the ingenious idea that this was the day for the study of Kelpies. We were all standing with blue tinted lips and wet hair watching the surface of the Great Lake in hopes that a horse would soon emerge. It didn't.

'It seems like it's not being very tempted,' informed Kettleburn unnecessarily, 'it's probably scared because so many of us stand so close to the edge. Is there someone who is willing to act like bait?'

No one moved a muscle.

'No? Very well then, I'll just have to choose one of you.' His gaze went from one shivering student to another, narrowing slightly at some before it landed on me. 'Sirius! That is perfect, get down here now.'

Before I knew it I found myself chilled to the bone with my leaking boots in the frozen water, waiting for a magical beast to come and devour me.

'That's good,' called Professor Kettleburn from further up the shore where he stood together with the other students. He gave me the thumbs up. 'Don't forget the spell when it emerges!'

Taking the wand out of my pocket I stood there waiting. The rain poured down and the water seeped into my boots.

If the day didn't turn to the better, and soon, someone would have to pay for it.

Which,of course, it did not. I was forced to stand freezing cold in the water during the entire class without seeing neither hide nor hair of any Kelpies. Transfiguration was as awkward as I had expected it to be, James studiously avoiding my eyes and Remus and Peter sitting discontent between us.

---

Dinner had been devoured in matter of minutes, giving me just enough time to hurry down to the Quidditch pit before detention. I hoped that doing this would still any of James' indignation with me. Finally having been able to make peace with Remus, I couldn't take it all over again with James. Especially not James. I was too dependent on him. He was my family, the only person I could lean on whenever things began to go a little shaky. I'd do anything for him, and if attending Quidditch practices was all he asked for, well, then I'd give it to him.

James and I were hurrying down the corridors in heavy Quidditch garb with brooms in our hands. The weather was still cold and rainy outside. It would be a hellish practice. Glancing to my left I saw the doors leading to the toilets. It reminded me that relieving oneself before rising to the wet heavens on a broomstick was a clever thing to do.

'Where are you going?' asked James when I made the bi-line.

'Just need to visit the john, I'll be coming soon.'

Taking the usual detour by the mirrors to see if everything was as it should be I learned that my vanity would turn out to be my salvation… of a sort. Leaning over to correct the bangs of my hair I heard a loud hiss.

'Shit!' someone rasped. The sound of something clattering to the floor followed. I recognized that voice, no matter how distorted it might have been.

'Severus…? What are you doing in there?' I asked, moving over to the stall where a shadow fell underneath the door. No one answered. I decided to give it a few rapt knocks.

'Severus,' I urged. 'I know you're in there. What's going on?' I had no idea why, but dread welled up inside me when no answer was forthcoming. Not even to tell me in his rude and nasty manner to either go to hell or mind my own business. Preferably both.

'If you don't open the door I'll kick it open,' I threatened, grateful for wearing my heavy Quidditch boots and not my regular sneakers. These could probably splinter the thin wood of the door into pieces. Finally the lock turned slowly, and the door swung outward. I had been correct. Severus was sitting on the toilet lid, hunched over and much more ungraceful than he usually would have been. He didn't look at me, but I soon noticed that he was cradling his left arm in a strange manner. My heart grew cold.

'Severus?' I whispered, not daring to step in any further, 'what have you done?'

Severus still did not deign me with an answer. Searching the floor I quickly located the knife that had made the clatter sound. Throwing away any hesitation I finally stepped fully into the cubicle. Grabbing a hold of his arm with shaking hands I found that there was no fight in him. Slowly pulling up the sleeve of his robe I couldn't hold back a horrified sound. The thin cotton of his shirt was soaked through with blood. A lot of blood. Feeling sickness rise in my throat I had to stop and take a few calming breaths before I peeled away the fabric so I could look at the damage he had done to himself. My breath hitched in my throat. Had it not been for my lack of appetite as of late I'm pretty certain I would have thrown up everything I ate for dinner. The cuts were so deep; some gaped perhaps even three or four centimeters wide. The blood flowed fast and in my panic I thought perhaps he had managed to cut his artery.

'Dear Merlin,' I whispered hoarsely, trying to look Severus in the face, but his head dangled lifelessly with his chin resting on his chest. He must have fainted because of the severe blood loss. Shaking my head like someone who had lost his mind I let go of Severus' arm and stepped back. What was I supposed to do?

Letting go of his arm had unsettled his balance on the toilet seat and he fell over, his head crashing with the side of the cubicle wall. Starting forwards, the Gryffindor in me suddenly took control and I knew what I had to do. Taking a hold of his body I managed to maneuver him so he was lying flat on the floor. Pulling off my heavy Quidditch robes I dragged my wand and cast the ripping spell on my own shirtsleeve. Tearing it hastily into strips I began binding his thin arm.

Forgetting everything about my robes and his bag and books, I took Severus into my arms and burst out the door.

---

'Madame Pomfrey,' I screamed at the very top of my lungs entering the Hospital Wing, grateful that no one else was in the room, 'POMFREY!'

His little body weighed hardly anything in my arms, but I could feel myself shaking like a leaf and my legs almost giving after while I hurried down the aisle. It wasn't until I had managed to drag Severus halfway down the rows of sickbeds that the door to Madame Pomfrey's office burst open, revealing the witch already having drawn her wand.

'What in the name of Merlin is going on? Why are you screaming so?' she asked sternly, moving towards me and waving for me to put my burden down on the nearest bed.

'It is Severus,' I panted high pitched, 'his arm is bleeding. _Badly_.'

'_Again_?' she whispered to herself, probably not realizing I could hear her. 'Help me get his robes off.' I did as she asked me, trying carefully to get his arms through the heavy fabric without ruining either him or the robes.

'Oh for Merlin's sake,' she muttered again and pushed me away before throwing a series of ripping charms on his clothes, pulling them off of him without much care to whether or not he could use them again afterwards. The sleeve of his shirt she only pulled up before peering at my rather poor bandaging of his arm. Spelling them away with a flick of her wand she was soon staring at the marred remains of Severus' pale arm. Furrowing her brow in concentration she shook her head slightly before dragging her wand out of her apron.

'Sirius, go into my office and collect the blue box standing on the fourth shelf behind my desk.'

I did as she ordered, feeling as if I was walking on something rubbery and unstable. My legs threatened to give out under me. I bumped into quite a few beds, but finally managed to find my way into her office. Neither the bright light nor the cozy fire in the hearth caught my attention while I tried to locate the blue box she had spoken of. It was most probably really important and sweat began to peel down my brow.

Taking her office in a few strides, I soon stood behind her desk and searched the shelves. They were littered with all kinds of medical things. Books, craniums, stethoscopes and _many_ different kinds of boxes. But finally I found the one I guessed she had referred to. It was dark blue and had a white cross on the lid. Securing it underneath my arm I made my hazardous way back towards Severus' bed. When I placed the box on the nightstand Madam Pomfrey nodded in acknowledgement. Looking down on the bed I suddenly realized that Severus was awake, lying there silent as a corpse and just staring at the ceiling.

Madame Pomfrey reigned supreme in her field and Severus' arm already looked much more presentable. I knew well enough that self mutilation was not a rare occurrence, especially with teenagers at my age. I had seen plenty of scars on both girls and boys, and I was not entirely foreign to it myself. But there had been something so different in the shallow scars that often grazed some of my friends' arms, and Severus' deeply cut wounds. They had been all too deep for simple pain. What might have happened if I had not walked by that particular toilet at that particular time?

I felt sick and my legs finally did what they had threatened to do since I had seen his arm, they gave way and I found myself sprawled on the floor.

'Black?' asked Madame Pomfrey looking down on me. 'Are you alright?'

'Yeah… I just… can't stand the sight of blood,' I lied. My heart was racing and I just wanted to beat some sense into the boy lying there.

'Very well,' nodded Pomfrey before turning back and addressing Severus. 'I have healed the deepest cuts, but I let the more shallow ones remain. There is no point in using magic on those as they will grow better by themselves. I'll bandage them of course and here is a bottle of blood replenish potion, you know how those work.'

During her speech I managed to scramble up on my legs again, feeling mildly embarrassed that I had been acting so weak.

'Black, I want you to make sure that Snape drinks that potion and that he stays in this bed _at least _an hour after, or else he'll grow dizzy and faint again.'

'But…I have Quidditch practice,' I suddenly remembered, and I grew chill again.

'Very well. I'll just have to use the alarm then,' huffed Pomfrey and gave me a disapproving glare before hurrying back to her office.

Severus pushed himself up into a sitting position and trailed a light finger over his bandaged arm. He seemed so distant, and without the robes I could finally see how small he really was. He looked so utterly alone, and I was certain that whatever had made him hurt himself still bothered his confused mind.

'Do you want me to stay with you?' I asked, now yearning to hold him tight instead of beating him senseless.

'Didn't you have Quidditch practice?' asked Severus in turn, not looking at me.

'Yeah, but it's just practice, it's not like it matters,' I lied again, 'if you want me to stay, I'll stay with you.'

My heart skipped a few beats when he bobbed his head quietly in assent. Looking around myself I found a chair standing by one of the beds across the aisle, and I went to collect it. Placing it on Severus' left side; I seated myself and pointed at the bottle of potion on the table. Severus wrinkled his nose, but leaned over to grab it never the less. I watched him sternly while he removed the top and swallowed the contents, gagging only slightly.

'It tastes like shit,' he muttered in disgust, tossing the bottle down on the bed. I stared at his legs. They were so thin, but at the same time had quite length, his overall height taken into consideration. He'd probably have a growing spurt at some time, I figured.

'You're so small,' I noted gleefully and pinched the leg closest to me. Severus slapped my hand away and scowled.

'I'll grow,' he said with conviction. 'Soon.'

'You better, because you really haven't got much time to grow on.'

'I'd rather be this height than look like an overgrown giant like you.'

I couldn't hold myself from bursting out in laughter. My hands were still shaking because of the bad shock, and the laughter had a tint of hysteria. Eventually I calmed down.

'How long have you…?' I gesticulated towards his arm, hoping he'd understand what I meant without having to ask outright.

'How long have I what?' he snapped back, cradling his arm protectively, 'been doing this?'

'Yes, that and being generally…' I knew this was a very touchy subject, and I wasn't certain I had gotten enough trust from Severus to be allowed to ask about this, '… being suicidal? Because that's what you are? It's not just about the shallow pain… is it?'

Severus raised his head and looked at me with his bottomless black eyes. I think it had to be the first time he had ever _really_ looked at me. Not just glared, gazed or scowled, but searched for something he most probably didn't believe he could find.

'It doesn't matter to you,' he finally answered.

'Yes it does!' I protested vehemently. He shied away from my loud voice. 'Merlin, Severus, do you have any idea how _scared_ I was when I found you down there?'

'_Why_?' retorted Severus just as urgently. His outburst must have made him dizzy for he suddenly rested his head in the palm of his right hand.

'I don't know _why_,' I answered, 'I'd actually really like to know _why_!

'Never mind that finding anyone bleeding to death on a toiled would scare me shitless, but somehow I have grown really fond of you. No actually, fond is the wrong word, as I am fucking in love with you, you little bastard. And no, I don't know _why_.'

For once I had managed to strike Severus speechless. He sat completely still and stared at me, his eyes slightly widened.

'You're lying…' he said without much conviction, and narrowed his eyes again.

'You know; I wish I was.'

'Well,' he straightened his back, 'you better stop that.'

'And people think I am the stupid one?' I asked and quirked my eyebrow critically at him. 'If one could just fall out of love on will, don't you think I'd done so by now?'

'You have to quit it somehow,' he hissed at me, clenching his fists. 'You can't walk around being in love with me. It's insane.'

'_You're_ insane!' I shot back and got up from my chair, feeling all too restless to be sitting still. Severus, much as expected, flinched at my sudden movement. It annoyed me, but I had come to terms with the fact that that was just the way he was. For unknown reasons I didn't really want to know.

'I won't hurt you like Rosier do,' I ground out. 'Why do you hang around with him anyway?'

'Where I come from,' answered Severus quietly, still eyeing me apprehensively, 'rich purebloods get what they want. And you do hurt me; you've given me more bruises and wounds that he ever has.'

I couldn't deny that, since it most probably was the truth.

'But that was before,' I tried to explain. 'After what happened I haven't cast a single spell, jinx or even hex on you. I haven't dyed your hair purple and I haven't put gross things in your bag. I haven't pushed you down stairs or sat flames to your robes either. I have been a really good boy- …besides; I am a rich pureblood too.'

'Yes, but one without any importance,' noted Severus, still he hid a smile behind his hand. Such a feminine gesture.

'Are you in love with him?' I asked suddenly, and sat down on Severus' bed instead of the chair. 'In Rosier?'

'Don't be an idiot,' muttered Severus, and moved slightly away from me.

'He's an ass and I want to kill him,' I growled, the canine in me manifesting itself in my features.

'So do I,' murmured Severus and gave me a leveled stare before smirking. 'There are many people I'd like to kill.'

'Yourself included,' I muttered and grabbed his hand. So thin and cold, I tried heating it between my own much larger palms. Severus didn't answer me, but busied himself with dusting off imaginary lint from the perfect white and crisp linens of his bed.

'…Severus?' I asked very carefully and kissed the hand that seemed so fragile within my own.

'Yes Black?'

'I… just wondered if I could see the… _scars_?'

'Which of them?'

'The ones Remus' gave you…'

Severus' eyes widened and he snapped his hand out of my grip. 'How dare you?' he growled, clenching his hands into fists.

'Don't hit me,' I pleaded and held my own hands up in a surrendering gesture. 'It's just that Remus seems so terrbily heartbroken over what happened. He's so worried he has damaged you. And I promised him I'd ask because I just can't stand it anymore.'

'You can't make me believe for a second that he was not in on it,' whispered Severus, sitting up on his knees so that I didn't seem so much taller than him.

'I swear to you, I take the entire blame. Hate me as much as you can, just don't think that Remus was in on it. It would kill him to know that someone would think he'd be able to do such a thing.' I was on the verge of tears staring at the ice cold hatred in Severus' eyes. It never melted, did it? It just morphed into something else from time to time, but it was always right underneath the surface.

Most probably he'd use my confession of love for all that it was worth; I knew I had made a huge blunder in telling him. I had put myself in a really compromising position. And still I let it happen, why?

Slowly Severus began to unbutton his shirt, and I stared unabashedly while he pulled it off his shoulders. His chest was so white and slender I wouldn't be surprised if he confessed it had never seen sun its entire life. But the perfect porcelain skin was marred and broken. There were red and irritated scars running from his right shoulder and down to his abdomen. Like a huge beast had lashed out at him. Which it had. I found similar scars on his back as I carefully inspected his body, but these were shorter and deeper. Claws had been dug into his fragile skin, trying to hook around his spine to effectively render the beast's prey passive. The tears that had been about to rise to my eyes when I pleaded for Remus, spilled unabashedly down my cheeks now. It looked so painful and the scars weren't even completely healed.

'Why… why aren't these bandaged?' I rasped, feeling now more than ever that I was the monster that had inflicted these wounds on him. It hadn't been Remus. Nothing of this could have been Remus' doing.

'They need air, and I have to massage them with herbsalves every night and morning,' answered Severus and shrugged on his shirt again.

'Isn't it painful?'

'It would have been, but I drink a lot of painkilling potion.'

'That's addicting,' I whispered mortified, having had an aunt at St. Mungos for rehabilitation.

'There are worse things to get addicted to,' shrugged Severus nonchalantly. 'Now you can run along and tell Prefect Lupin what he did.'

'You're so cruel.'

'No worse than you,' smirked Severus, 'so, are you still in love with me?'

'More than ever,' I declared, and felt a bit of satisfaction when his face fell.

'Just leave me,' he muttered, trying to hide a yawn behind his hand. 'I'm tired and I don't want to look at you anymore.'

I leaned closer to him and stared him straight in the eye. He seemed uncomfortable and concentrated on my chest instead. Carefully I closed in completely and let a butterfly kiss grace his pale cheek. He didn't push me away, but he didn't return it or otherwise hint to it being ok. But I knew by now that as long as he did not try to assassinate me, it was most probably alright with him. I let the next kiss rest on his lips, and he still did not pull away.

'I am so sorry for what I did to you,' I whispered very quietly close to his ear, hoping that he for once would believe me. No reaction was forthcoming, but I he had at least not objected to my apology. Looking at him one last time I got up from the bed and left the hospital wing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

It didn't even take a second before I found myself in a desperate run down the corridor. The hospital door was still closing behind me. I couldn't fathom that I had chosen Severus over my very best friend and a position on the quidditch team. Neither was I able to conjure up any excuse that wouldn't do more harm than good while I skidded around one corner after another.

The castle seemed larger and darker than it had ever done previously. By the time I reached the doors out to the grounds I was winded, and the taste of blood was stagnant in my month when I finally collapsed to a halt outside the pitch. I couldn't hear anything, no shouting, no cheering. There were no brooms in the air. The locker room was empty. My heart sank when I realized that practice was already over and that I had missed it. James might have forgiven me if I had merely been late, but not this.

With decidedly less speed I turned and headed back up the now muddy and almost unmanageable path to the castle. I skidded several times, falling on my hands and knees to the ground. By the time I reached the doors again both my trousers and shirt were drenched in dirt, as were my hands and hair. I felt like crying, to just sit down on the stone steps and wallow in my own sorrow. That could at least have given me enough time to conjure up a story to explain my absence. But didn't James deserve the truth? I pondered this while I laboriously climbed the marble stairs, leaving dirtied tracks after me. I didn't care; it would most probably be me who had to clean it up afterwards during detention anyway.

I could say that I had gotten an extremely upset stomach and had to head up to the Hospital Wing? No, if I had done that Madam Pomfrey would have managed to fix me up in matter of minutes. What if I had taken the wrong turn and gotten stuck in a dead end? Ridiculous, I was a Marauder, of course I couldn't get lost in this castle. This kind of, and similar, plots kept on popping into my mind before being discarded as either implausible or just plain idiotic. By the time I reached the Fat Lady no excuse at all had managed to miraculously reveal itself so that I could salvage both my friendship and my pride. I couldn't tell the truth so then I would have to lie, or just not talk at all. No matter what I opted to do, the outcome would be disastrous.

A slight cough woke me from my ponderings, and I realized I had been staring at the Fat Lady for quite some time. 'Excalibur,' I muttered, and she swung open while huffing in irritation.

It might have just been my shaking nerves, but as I entered the common room I could have sworn that the conversations quieted down. The gazes of the players on the quidditch team burned in my back when I crossed the room as fast as I could. There were no sights of James, Remus or Peter.

My heart, that had previously been dead cold in my chest, awakened and started to beat furiously. I hesitated maybe half a minute with my hand shaking over the doorknob before I opened it quietly. Could they be asleep? The little glimmer of hope soon fled when I entered the room and was greeted by three sets of thunderous faces. James looked both insulted and slighted, Remus seemed to be hurt and Peter was just angry because everyone else was. I had wanted to apologize at once, but my voice got clogged up in my throat when James threw something completely unexpected on the floor in front of my feet. It was my bloody robes and Severus' bag.

My eyes widened and it felt like both time and space stopped as my heart caved in and all the blood drained from my face.

'What the fuck is this?' hissed James. 'I went back for you when you failed to show up, and I found the bathroom full of blood, your robes and _Snape's _bag. What the hell have you done?'

'Wha-what have _I_ done?' I managed to croak while my system gave a kick start and my entire body flushed. 'What do you mean what have _I_ done?'

'Isn't it obvious?' chimed Remus in rather shrilly, 'it's not _your_ blood is it?'

'I have done nothing!' I nearly shouted. 'Yeah it's Sev- its Snape's bag, and his blood, but why do you automatically think _I _was the one who did something wrong? It's my robes that's full of the stuff now isn't it?'

'Because you're always the one to hurt people Sirius,' Remus whispered hoarsely. 'You hurt people without even a second's thought.'

'Well, we all have to remember that he grew up in a Slytherin family,' said Peter levelly, leaning against the far wall with his arms crossed over his chest. 'Maybe we shouldn't be too surprised that we found a Slytherin's belongings where he should have been while he ditched the Gryffindor team. He's just returning home.'

I don't think I had ever seen such calculated anger in Peter before and my jaw almost dislocated, threatening to hit the floor.

'How can you say such things?' I asked, so hurt my voice was nearly choking me. It was not as much Peter's words that stung, but the fact that neither of my friends spoke against them. I couldn't believe that one second they had all been supportive of me, and now they were talking and plotting behind my back. Anger suddenly flared, and I just wanted to hurt them, hurt them more than they could hurt me. 'Anyway, I am not the monster here,' I nearly growled and rounded on the one standing closest to me, 'Remus, I saw his scars y'know. You should be glad you've never been allowed to. He's completely mauled. His entire body; scarred, and they won't heal either. He lives on pain killing potion. Are you happy I found out for you?'

The stricken look on Remus' face certainly mirrored the one I had just worn, and a pang of guilt shot me straight in the chest. I brushed it angrily aside, bent down to pick up Severus' bag and opened the door behind me. I left them there, one moping, another crying and the third one scowling.

---

There was still an hour left before detention officially began, and I wasn't counting on Severus turning up. Still I knocked on McGonagall's office door. She was suitably surprised to find me there, and hesitantly let me in.

'Why don't you sit down and take a cup of tea while I finish my grading then,' she said and somehow managed to sound both strict and concerned all at once. I did as told, and felt quite awkward while I sipping the steaming tea out of the plain porcelain cup she had handed me. She might have wondered why I had showed up so early, but she thankfully didn't ask. McGonagall must have written it off as some sort of stunt.

'Is Se- Snape coming later?' I asked eventually, watching her finish one paper and reach for another. She stopped mid motion, giving me a catty look over her glasses.

'Yes of course, why wouldn't he?'

I was surprised by her answer. Madam Pomfrey must have refrained from telling her I was the one to arrive at the Hospital Wing with Severus, and now McGonagall tried to cover for him.

'Well, I was the one who found him, see, so I was just wondering whether he's well enough to attend a detention so soon.'

'You found him? What do you mean?' Her eyebrows drew into a frown and she let the ungraded paper rest, 'what in Merlin's name are you talking about?'

'Wha…?' I asked in return, just as confused as she appeared to be. Didn't she know? 'He's in the Hospital Wing; I found him in the boy's toilet earlier this evening…' I stopped myself just upon realizing I had said too much. McGonagall had no clue at all what had happened, perhaps no idea what Severus usually did to himself, and there had to be a reason for that. Her frown grew into an outright scowl as she pursed her lips.

'In the boy's toilet?' she asked, 'stop talking in riddles and tell me at once what has been going on!'

I felt helpless underneath her glare. Putting the china cup and its dish carefully down on her desk I motioned for the bag on the floor. 'If you don't know maybe you're not supposed to,' I said, knowing full well that this would insult her.

'Very well,' she snapped, 'but does Dumbledore know?'

I shrugged, 'I dunno… Madam Pomfrey does though; she keeps on fixing him up.'

'Fixing him up?' McGonagall seemed alarmed now. 'Sirius, I think this is a subject you shouldn't be quiet about. Sometimes we keep valid secrets for people, but other times these secrets hurt more than they protect.'

'Please professor, it's not for me to say anything. If he hasn't told anyone, then he doesn't want them to know. Besides, Madam Pomfrey knows, and she obviously hasn't told…'

'Madam Pomfrey is under oath not to tell anyone anything unless she's allowed to by her patient. I have a feeling Snape is the type who would never give permission.'

McGonagall had a point. There was a moment of undecided silence before I opened my mouth to break it, but a knock on the door beat me to it. McGonagall gave me one last look before rising from her chair to open it. I was slightly surprised to see Severus slide into the room. He didn't even seem any worse from wear.

'Sit down Snape,' snapped McGonagall. Severus' head shot up to stare curiously at her while she sat down herself. Waving her wand crossly in the air, she looked like a woman out to wage war. I didn't blame Severus one bit for hesitating before sitting down in the newly conjured chair. Picking up his bag and handing it to him I felt slightly proud of myself when he rewarded me with a glittering in his eyes that could almost pass for a smile.

'So, Mr. Snape,' McGonagall snapped, breaking our fragile moment. 'Mr. Black here has been telling me about an incident earlier today.' Severus' eyes widened desperately. He looked between the two of us a couple of times before it finally rested on me. It turned into a scowl.

'No I haven't told her anything! I swear it just popped out! It's not, I didn't…' I pleaded, trying to convey with my expression how desperate I was for her not to push the subject. She sniffed once before letting her gaze rest fully on Severus.

'Would you like to tell me why you needed to visit the Hospital Wing today?' asked McGonagall, folding her hands on the desk in front of her, completely ignoring me. Severus gave me a sideways glance and clutched his bag.

'I am sure Black must have given you the impression that he somehow miraculously managed to save me from some grave danger,' said Severus, shaking his head like a patronizing parent. 'All that happened, however, was that I managed to twist my ankle while a staircase made a sudden turn. Black here, for reasons unknown to me, felt like escorting me to the Hospital Wing. That's all. The simple truth.'

The lie was so smooth I couldn't help but feel impressed with him. I tried not to take any notice of the sudden pride blooming, attesting it to nothing but a feeling of sudden relief that Slytherins were so gifted at worming their ways out of tricky situations.

'I see…' answered McGonagall at length, making it clear that she had heard and seen enough lies and explanations in her lifetime to be able to discern one from the actual truth, no matter how well crafted. 'Then why did Mr. Black here seem so concerned whether or not you would be in form to attend your detention? I am sure Madam Pomfrey would be able to heal a sprained ankle without any further delay.'

Severus' lips thinned while his mind raced around this new problem, trying to conjure up something that would be able to throw McGonagall off his track once and for all.

'Well, the way Snape was wallowing and going on about his ankle I was certain he'd broken it or worse. I didn't bother to stay at the Hospital Wing to see what was wrong with him. I was just worried whether I had to take the entire detention chore myself. _Again_.' The latter I added with enough venom to sound suitably annoyed that Severus continued to skip detentions.

McGonagall nodded thoughtfully, looking first me, and then Severus, straight in the eyes. 'You still gave the impression that he visits the Hospital Wing often,' she pointed out, apparently quite insistent on finding a flaw in our lie.

'You can't really expect me to bother minding all the bloody staircases and wrong turns in this castle. I have much more important things to think about than where I'm constantly setting my feet. Some call it bad luck; I just call it prioritizing ones recourses.' Severus actually sounded genuinely insulted and even sniffed indignantly, raising his head to look down his nose at her. Never mind that she sat higher up than him. If a Slytherin had previously shown such disrespect towards my Head of House in front of me I would have made sure they'd regretted it sorely. This time however, I just had a difficult time stifling my laughter.

'Fine,' answered McGonagall, narrowing her eyes slightly, 'I'll let it pass this time. And seeing as you've both arrived early for once, I suppose I should just introduce you to tonight's detention.'

This turned out to be scrubbing the potions classroom from floor to ceiling, and everything in between. Fifth year had managed to royally mess up one of their O.W.L assignments and the result was a room covered in thick, bubbly goo of no recognizable colour. Two buckets of soapy water and mops had already been set out on a bench in the middle of the classroom.

'Filch and I will be coming in unannounced regularly to supervise that you do your chores properly. Do try to stay clear of each other, I don't want to break up a fight,' she warned us, standing in the doorway looking at us trying not to step into the unmentionable mess on the floor. 'And Black, please scourgify your clothing. I don't want my students drenched in mud.' And with those parting words she left.

'You _told_ her,' hissed Severus just as the door closed, managing to scowl ominously at me and dodging the goo dripping from the ceiling at the same time.

'I'm sorry,' I pleaded again, wondering how much I needed to mess things up before I finally could do something right again. 'I was worried you wouldn't come for detention. I didn't know that no one knows.'

Severus just gave me a withering look before unbuttoning his robes. I couldn't help the blush creeping over my face and tried to concentrate on my own shirtsleeves when I realized that one of them was missing. I had to be quite some sight, no wonder McGonagall had been so insistent in her prodding. I was still drenched in mud and blood with one of my sleeves crudely ripped off. She couldn't have been fooled in the least.

---

As it turned out, Severus was horrible at anything domestic and didn't even know how to properly wet and dry his washing cloth. Watching him trying to get the mess off a nearby workbench was even more painful. He continued to grow more and more impatient with the stain until he outright growled at it. Grudgingly, after a lot of insistence from me, I managed to convince him that this was something he didn't excel at, and that I was allowed to show him how. By the time we had managed to get the bench clean we were both completely drenched in soapy water and shivering.

The continuous work and physical closeness to Severus while I tried to teach him to properly work a mop certainly helped heating my body up, however. James, Remus and Peter were soon forgotten when Severus grew impatient with my lack of teaching skills and used his wand to drop one of the buckets of water over me. This led us to the discovery that the buckets magically refilled themselves. If we thought we had been wet before it was nothing to the state Filch found us in after fifteen minutes of heavy war.

'The one suggestin' that you two were to serve detention together should have been whipped,' thundered Filch while he wrestled a charmed mop to the ground. 'It's not responsible! I'll tell this to professor McGonagall, I will, Merlin knows I have enough to deal with without having to fight walkin' disasters!'

Neither of us could help but break into roaring laughter when the mop overcame Filch and smacked him wetly and repeatedly over the head until he fled the classroom. My eyes caught Severus', and both our grins faded slowly, but the underlying anger did not instantly resurface in his face. Feeling myself dripping with water yet so warm I was surprised it didn't damp off my body, I reached out with both my hands to brush Severus' wet hair back from his face. I had never noticed before how big his black eyes actually were, or the delicate line of his brow. I kissed it. I kissed his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his cheek. Everywhere except his lips.

'You're so beautiful,' I muttered into his ear, and felt Severus shiver against me, my breath tickling his neck. I kissed that skin too. A gasp escaped him, forcing me to further discover this sensitive area. Lightly I sucked and nibbled just beneath his ear and all the way down to his collarbones. I was just about to reach up a hand to unbutton the shirt for further journeying, but Severus stopped me by pushing it away.

The silence that followed was less awkward than could have been expected, and we both returned to our washcloths and mops. My entire body still itched to touch him more, but I told myself strictly that I had already jeopardized enough today and not to push it.

If I previously had been bullying Severus in an effort to make my bland days a bit more exciting, I should have tried having a crush on him sooner. Never before had my life been such a rollercoaster, it felt like I had no control at all of which direction things would go. Logic didn't seem to matter anymore when my friends decided to gang up on me and Severus was suddenly the most desirable creature on earth. But my mind strayed off the rocky path that was Severus and turned its head back towards the problem that was my friends. I had a very strong feeling that I had managed to alienate them all with my behaviour. Guilt tried to make itself known again, but anger soon replaced it. I had done nothing wrong. I had rescued a person from bleeding to death on a toilet, and they somehow wanted to make me a scapegoat for whatever unknown reasons. I had previously believed the friendship I had with Remus to be healing, but apparently he still harboured resentment towards me. The fact that he had hidden his true feelings and acted as if everything was going well again made me grip the handle of my mop that much harder. I wanted to be strong enough to shrug them off, to let them know that I could and would not take whatever they threw at me. But I was too weak, and all too dependent on them. Who was I really, without James? He owned the only home I could return to, Remus had always been my confidant and Peter cheered me up on a bad day.

'How did the practice go?' Severus suddenly asked, taking me slightly by surprise.

'It was over by the time I got there,' I told him rather hesitantly. 'But it doesn't matter, it was just a practice after all.'

'Ah.'

Severus seemed to be fully occupied with a rather difficult stain on one of the side cupboards. I couldn't help wondering about his sudden concern for my quidditch practice. It didn't seem very characteristic of him.

'How so?' I prodded further, risking the dangerous ground.

'Hm?' asked Severus and turned slightly to look up at me from where he squatted on the floor, 'how so what?'

'Why do you care?' I asked a bit more bluntly, throwing away the washcloth I had been holding to fully concentrate on him. Severus didn't seem to like my sudden stance and got up from the floor.

'You seemed concerned about it in the Hospital Wing that is all. Just a casual question.'

'You don't ask casual questions,' I answered, suddenly feeling as if someone had fooled me big time. 'Would be quite convenient for you wouldn't it, if Gryffindor was short one beater for the game tomorrow.'

Severus' jaw slackened for half a breath before his face changed into its customary scowl. It was enough for me to hit rock bottom and frustrated tears clouded my vision.

'I am sorry,' I whined again, 'I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it at all. It's just that everything's been so royally fucked up lately; I just blame it on the first person I can. I am so sorry.'

Walking quietly up to me he patted me awkwardly on the chest. 'I knew that if you missed today's quidditch practice you would be thrown off the team,' he said levelly, 'Rosier told me.'

'Y-you knew?' I stammered, not knowing whether to be offended, angry or just sad. He nodded carefully and examined my face, and then he shook his head.

'You need to guard your expression more,' he murmured, 'you're like an open book. No, actually, you're more like a radio turned on full volume. It's impossible not to get caught up in your emotions and thoughts. You give me a headache.'

'I'm so confused right now,' I said, feeling the pressure of his hand on my wet chest. It was so cold it shook slightly. At least I presumed his shivering was because of the cold.

'You chose to stay with me instead of going to practice,' Severus tried to explain, his shirt, now transparent because of the water, stuck to his lithe body. The hand on my chest moved upwards until it was resting behind my neck and he pulled, forcing me to bend down. I was surprised when he kissed me, but completely overcome by his eagerness. His mouth was warm and this time he answered with force when I moved to deepen the kiss. My arms closed around his waist, moving our bodies closer and I could feel the tautness of his wiry muscles. Without breaking the kiss I easily lifted him up and placed him on the nearest workbench surface. His legs went around my waist and this time he didn't seem to mind at all when I tried my quest in unbuttoning his shirt. Severus practically purred when I dove back for the delicious throat, kissing and nibbling it with great eagerness.

While I was preoccupied with the porcelain skin covered with goosebumps, a pair of hands started to pull out the little of my shirt that was still tucked in, delighting me by lightly tickling my lower abdomen. A low growl escaped me, but was answered by one in kin from Severus. 'Bite me,' he demanded hoarsely. I instantly obeyed by bruising the skin underneath my teeth. When he moaned, I felt myself responding by hardening considerably.

'What in the name of all things holy is going on here?' a voice suddenly interrupted, making Severus startle backwards and me turn around with a canine like sneer on my lips. Would I never be able to be around Severus without anyone rudely breaking us apart? Then I realized I was staring right in McGonagall's appalled and shocked face. My first instinct was to retract from Severus as fast as possible, but then I remembered my embarrassing state of erection.

'Err… we… we just,' Severus tried, but failed miserably. Not even he managed to make up a lie or a story to go with the image that we must have portrayed.

'Mr. Black, were you forcing yourself on Mr. Snape?' thundered McGonagall suddenly and stepped fully into the room. For the second time that day I was struck completely speechless by, what seemed to me, completely uncalled for accusations. I turned back to Severus who sat there on the table, his shirt partly ripped open with bruises down his entire throat and neck. 'Both of you, my office, NOW,' barked McGonagall before I was able to explain anything at all.

---

We were back in the office, our clothes completely wet and askew with missing buttons and shirtsleeves.

'So, is it true Black?' asked McGonagall while Severus closed the door hesitantly behind himself.

'Is what true?' I retorted, feeling what little control I had desperately tried to hang on to turn into hysteria.

'That you forced yourself on Mr. Snape!'

'_NO_!' I hollered at the top of my lungs, watching her face slowly turn red in anger. How much did it take before McGonagall snapped? I didn't even want to consider what could happen if I drove her one step too far. McGonagall carefully drew in a deep breath through her nose before letting it out slowly, and then she turned to Severus who still stood glued to the door, dripping wet puddles on the stone floor. He looked miserable.

'Snape, Severus, tell me, what just happened down in the potions classroom?' Her tone of voice was as collected as it had ever been. I didn't like to think about how much power Severus held over me in this very moment. I was already in deep shit for what had happened at the Whomping Willow, if Severus now lied about this whole episode I could wave my goodbyes to Hogwarts. He would have won. Severus was without a doubt aware of what was at stake. The fact that I would get expelled for something Rosier was most probably doing at a regular basis made my blood boil.

'No, Black did not force himself on me,' Severus finally answered, 'it was quite consensual.'

The heavenly relief flooding through my body made me suddenly so weak I could hardly stand. Stumbling towards the closest chair I slid into it and finally collapsed. Resting my head on my knees I fought very hard not to let the tears overcome me, as they had been doing all day.

'You are certain?' I could hear McGonagall ask, a slight tint of regret in her voice.

'Of course I am certain,' Severus spat back with his usual petulant flair. I found that I loved his voice more than anything in the world. Rubbing my face to make sure that no stray tears were emerging, I looked up at him with a completely idiotic grin on my face. He didn't return it, but I couldn't find the strength to care. His hair was still combed back and dripping, but he had stopped shaking.

'If that is the case then I am terribly sorry for having accused you Sirius, I hope you can forgive me.' McGonagall seemed genuinely shaken. I was just too happy something was finally going in the right direction to care one way or another. I just gave her the same sappy grin I had granted Severus. 'Very well,' McGonagall carried on, 'now that these terrible misunderstandings have been solved, I suggest that you two take the rest of the evening off. I'm surprised by this turn of events, to say the least.'

While my thoughts went straight to an even off detention, Severus seemed to be ever the practical one.

'You won't tell anyone of what you saw will you professor?' he asked, having already buttoned up his shirt and made himself look as presentable as one could after having had a water fight in a room full of burned and dripping substances. McGonagall eyed Severus critically for a moment before she shook her head sternly.

'Of course not,' she said honestly. 'It is not my business at all and it is up to you two how you will deal with it.'

Severus opened his mouth and seemed to want to say more, but I jumped up from my chair and walked up to him. 'Come Severus, she said we got the evening off, there must be things you find more amusing than arguing with your teachers.' Severus scowled up at me, but accepted my hand on his shoulder while I turned him around and pushed him out the door. 'Good bye and thanks professor,' I called before slamming the door shut.

---

'So, what do you want to do?' I asked while we trotted the long way back down to the potions classroom to collect our belongings.

'And to think she thought I'd ever let you force yourself on me,' grumbled Severus, completely unrelated to my question. 'And what do you mean "What do I want to do?"'

'Firstly, she would have thought that because I'm much bigger than you, secondly, we've got free time, what do you usually do on your free time?'

Severus thought about this for some time, 'homework, sometimes if I have any. Other times I usually read, or practice magic. And I still could have taken you even though you're a big bully. What if I had forced myself on _you_? No one considers that.'

I couldn't help but laugh. He glared. 'I'm sorry but… _you_ force yourself on _me_? How?'

I found myself regretting the question while watching the floor jump up and hit me in the head. Having him roll me around and straddle me made positively surprised, however, though I became a bit hesitant again when a wand got poised underneath my chin.

'Woah!' I exclaimed, 'where did that wand come from?' To my knowledge I had felt no wand anywhere while eagerly feeling him up earlier.

'A Slytherin can't reveal his trade,' he murmured, a decidedly self-satisfied and sadistic grin on his face. 'Whatever shall I do with you now?'

I had quite a few ideas of what I wanted him to do with me, but didn't feel that the hallway was a suitable place for it. Especially if we considered how prone we were to interruption. I didn't doubt that Rosier was lurking around whichever corner of the castle, just waiting for a chance to catch us in a compromising position. But it seemed like Severus enjoyed this sudden change of height and power, and I had never been one to ruin someone's fun.

'You could become an awesome auror, with skills like that,' I commented, still holding completely still while Severus trailed the tip of his wand up and down my throat. He stopped suddenly and carefully looked away.

'I don't think so,' he muttered, 'only Gryffindor idiots choose to work for the Ministry and think they're doing the world a favour.'

'I want to be an auror,' I countered, somewhat offended. Of course, the Ministry was a lot of bullshit, I couldn't deny that, but auror duty was very respectable work.

'You, the great oaf, an auror?' Severus smirked and the thought seemed to amuse him greatly.

'Hey, I've heard the ladies refer to me as both gallant and handsome,' I tried my most dashing smile. 'But honestly though Severus, I'm starting to get a bit chilly. These stone floors aren't exactly heated.'

'Your comfort really isn't a concern of mine,' said Severus, but stood up despite his claims, somehow making his wand magically disappear. I made a mental note to ask him more about that trick later.

The rest of the trip down to the dungeon was more or less uneventful, but upon entering the potions classroom and finding Slughorn some of my newly regained good mood disappeared. The professor turned around and met us with a smile that froze to ice on his face.

'What has happened to you?' he exclaimed, staring at my, without a doubt, quite alarming appearance. Then his gaze moved to Severus and his eyes turned into slits before his face relaxed again.

'Oh nothing,' I reassured him rather coldly. He was a teacher I had little or no liking for, and I didn't bother to go to any lengths to hide it from him. I pointed at our belongings in order to keep any conversation to a minimum.

'You two seem to be a lot more comfortable around each other,' Slughorn commented when I quietly handed Severus' bag to him. Severus' eyes shot up and every expression faded from his face. 'I wonder what your _friends_ would think about that Snape,' continued Slughorn, and even if I had been described as rather dense previously, even _I_ could hear the underlying threat in his voice.

'Merely a survival instinct, I assure you,' Severus answered, his voice completely dead. A chill went down my spine and I couldn't help but shiver.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

He was pretty much gone, the warm blooded and quickened creature I had been flirting with just a few moments ago. Beside me stood Snape again, a calculating and cruel snake. It was easy to see it in his eyes. They were cold and dead now, narrowing slightly staring at Slughorn across the room. I knew McGonagall and I had our issues, but it seemed like Severus and Slughorn were taking it onto an entirely different level. There couldn't be many alliances left if even your Head of House was against you.

'Snape,' I eventually said quietly, 'are you gonna be hanging out here now that McGonagall said we had the evening off?'

Severus turned his hateful scowl at me and stared as if he first now realized I was there.

'Why are you down here in the dungeons?' he hissed, his lip curling upwards in a cruel sneer, 'piss off Gryffindor scum.'

Having him change his attitude towards me in such a drastic way shouldn't have shocked me as much as it did. It was as if the bottom of my bowels disappeared and my heart clenched into a painful knot. My head grew heavy and the rest of my body sizzled away into a feeling of nothingness. Looking down at it just to make sure it was still there I could see my hands shake, and I tightened my hold on my bag so that no one else would see.

'No, I suppose I should just be grateful that I finally can get away from you,' I tried to sneer back, 'little dimwit.' But there wasn't even a tint of malice or scorn in my voice, and I noticed Slughorn's eyes on me. Turning around I walked out of the classroom as fast as my shaking legs could carry me. I would have liked to tell myself that it was just a facade Severus was putting on, but then again, how was I supposed to know what was real and what was an act with him? My previous suspicion that this was all a game to him came tumbling back to me while I ascended the stairs. My shirt and trousers were still torn, muddy, bloody and wet and I hadn't felt so miserable my entire life. Though I am certain there had been periods previously that had been more dangerous and devastating than I was currently facing, it somehow didn't feel like it because of the sorrow being so acute. The day had truly been a rollercoaster.

Not caring for even one second if James, Peter or Remus were still inside I banged open the dormitory door and stomped my way over to my bed. Sleep would have been delicious, but a shower was written highest on my priority list. I was too occupied with rummaging around in my trunk and feeling sorry for myself to notice that Remus was sitting on his bed staring at me. It wasn't until I got up and looked straight into his eyes that I could see how pitiful he looked. One part of me wanted to throw my bundle of clothing and soap to the floor and crush him in a gigantic hug, another one wanted to sneer at him and pass right by. The latter part, to my surprise, won.

'You become more and more like him the more time you spend with him,' said Remus quietly when I reached the door. I turned around with my hand on the handle and gave him a patronizing smile.

'Well, I won't be around him much more so don't you worry your little head about it.' The anger and disgust that I had tried, but failed, to formulate in my words to Severus spilled out without effort now. A powerful thrill went through me when Remus hurriedly looked away and curled in on himself like he always did when he found something to be immensely unpleasant. Whose fault was it that I had to spend all my time with him anyway?

---

Since the big Quidditch game was being held Tuesday afternoon it would have to wait until all the classes of the day were over. Thankfully all the teachers, especially the Head of Houses, seemed to be as excited about the game as the students and let us go sooner on the sole condition that we did the extra amount of homework received. It was three in the afternoon and the hallways were buzzing with students talking about the upcoming match. It seemed like the only colours existing in the world was red and green, giving me a disconcerting feeling of Christmas.

It was strange not hurrying down the corridors in my Quidditch gear feeling the eyes of everyone on me while they discussed the weather conditions and whether or not I looked healthy enough or if I had done well during practices lately. That place was given to Alice now, and I had to admit she looked good in the heavy robes and red cloak, swinging the bat expertly over her shoulder. She was a Gryffindor through and through, loving all the attention and well wishing she got. When a group of green clothed fifth years threw obscenities after her she rewarded them with a blow kiss and walked away laughing together with the other beater, Frank Longbottom. I would have liked to say I wasn't jealous or that my nerves weren't teetering on the edge, but that would have been a lie.

This had been the most talked about day for weeks, all since the last game against Ravenclaw, but now I wouldn't even be a part of it. The thought of being just another person in the audience seemed appalling to me. I couldn't watch James handle his team as if there wasn't a difference whether or not I attended.

Quidditch had always been my and James' thing, something we did together just the two of us. We would be talking loudly about all the near accidents, of the strong wind or the bright sun, about how we could have won the game much sooner but that would have been boring. The others would be listening with great eagerness. We'd be toasted together down in the Gryffindor common room, and we'd look each other in the eyes as we grinned, feeling like we were the kings of the castle. But I supposed the Quidditch and winning part had been more important to James than sharing those moments with me. I really wanted to just go and feel sorry for myself somewhere silent and far away from the excitement and joy, but it went against my very nature. Throwing in the towel and delve into the deeper parts of my emotions seemed too much of a hassle to be worth the trouble. It was easier just to ride on top of the currents, in my dangerously rocking boat.

That tattered voice of reason of mine recognized that a lot of my feelings had to be a direct result of being a youth at a boarding school. Somehow the simple problems always tended to magnify when you were trapped in a situation where small things were all you had. Taking a few steps back and looking at the situation again might prove that the answer to all my problems were in fact right in front of my nose. But then again, feeling as miserable as I did made it quite difficult to see anything else but myself and my own troubles.

It was quite a project trying to ascend the marble staircase when the current of eager students continued to wash me further and further down instead of up. Eventually I gave up and let them carry me with them and out onto the open grounds.

Walking down to the pit just made it more apparent what kind of carnival Quidditch had become. Everyone tried to outdo or out-shock each other with outrageously coloured robes, signs, banners and hats. Even teachers had taken clear sides, grouping up in teams sporting their team's colour. People were laughing, joking and hurrying along excitedly, but something seemed awfully off to me. The smiles seemed strained, the colours overdone, the cheers too aggressive. The taunts being thrown back and forth between the two teams were growing more and more serious. Watching two groups of green and red clothed students chant insulting songs at each other I could feel the hair on my neck stand on end. They weren't grinning; they were flashing their teeth at each other. Every instinct that was so second nature to me in my dog shape threatened to overwhelm me even in my human state. This wasn't a simple Quidditch game anymore; it was a cold war with the Slytherins opposing the Gryffindors, and the teachers were supporting it.

Feeling ill at all the unspoken hostility around me, I had to struggle to get through the throng of people marching down towards the Quidditch pitch. I wasn't envious of any of the players I suddenly realized. Not only was the weather incredibly windy, a real hazard when you tried to maneuver a broom, but the audience was too aggressive for this evening to end well. Finally, after enough pushing and "excuse me"-ing I managed to break loose and stood at the edge of the parade. What was Dumbledore thinking arranging a match between Slytherin and Gryffindor now that the strain between the two houses was so heavy you could cut it with a knife? The tumbling sound of people prepared for an exciting game got muffled as everyone eventually managed to file into the tall stadium. It was like the noise existed in an entirely different world. Which it, in a way, did. I doubted anyone had a care at all except whether or not Gryffindor would beat the Slytherins, or in other words: The Death Eaters. It didn't matter what you called them anymore; it was all one of the same now.

Sighing to myself I put my freezing hands into my robe pockets to shield them from the cold October weather and watched the last spectators disappear into the Quidditch stands. There just didn't seem to be a point to it now that I was not one of the players. Soon I could hear everyone emit roaring cheers. The players were entering the stadium. I wondered whether Remus and Peter were sitting there in their charmed red robes hooting down at James. He would be standing with his new Nimbus 1001 grinning and waving up at the red sea of his adoring fans. I wanted to hope that Gryffindor lost, that James made such a fool of himself that he'd be disgraced and thrown off the team forever. I wanted to want this, but I didn't. I hoped they would win and that nothing bad happened. Who knew what the Slytherins might do with the stakes so high, after all. But my mind soon sidetracked from any worries about James and the team and went back to the one thing that had been playing around in my mind the last week: Severus. A bitter smile curved my lips and I couldn't help but like the thought of him, though I was still wondering whether or not he had meant the words from last night. I had a feeling he did, just as he at the same time did not. Sometimes I wished it was possible to take a little peek inside his tousled black head and see what was going on in there. His reasons to act the way he did might be many and varied, but then again it might be really simple. Perhaps it was just a game and that he was having a lot of fun playing me around.

From where I stood on the path down to the pitch I could now see small black dots move around in the air. It was easy to discern which of them was James. He had the fastest broom, and he couldn't help but show off by taking one Wronski Feint after another without even using it as a game maneuver. Rosier, who played as seeker for the Slytherins, had seen through this too much used trick and didn't bother to keep an eye on James at all it seemed.

'Still not friends with the bastard?' asked a voice behind me and I felt my heart jump into my throat at the sound. Trying to act untouched by this pleasant surprise, I didn't turn around but just shrugged one shoulder as a reply. 'Smartest thing you've ever done, so maybe there's hope for you yet. Though I doubt it strongly.'

'Then why are you hanging around me then?' I asked and continued to stare at the black dot flying dangerously close to the audience.

'No, by all means, I have a lot more constructive things to do.' I could hear his robes rustle when he began to leave. Turning around as fast as I could I took a hold of his arm and tugged him back. Severus seemed shocked by the action and looked up at me with searching, black eyes. He calmed slightly when he could confirm that I wasn't angry, and gave his head that casual shake he had the habit of doing whenever he tried to cover up that he had been taken by surprise. The wind was taking up speed around us, making robes and hair billow in all kinds of directions. It had gotten the cold and unpleasant sting of immediate frost and coloured our cheeks and hands rosy pink. 'What was up with you last night and why aren't you in the stands watching Rosier?' I asked, having to raise my voice for it to be heard over the howling wind.

I was holding Severus so tensely by the upper arm I was actually lifting him slightly off the ground, and it continued to surprise me that he wasn't saying anything against it. He just looked at me through his messy hair as though everything was ok with him as long as I didn't show any signs of aggression.

'Like I said last night; it's a survival thing,' answered Severus loudly and shrugged as well as he could in his uncomfortable position. 'Rosier is angry enough just by having seen me with you outside of detention twice, he doesn't need to hear from Slughorn that we tend to spend evenings together.'

'Why would Slughorn bother to say these things? I don't understand you guys at all,' I called out helplessly but stopped when Severus tensed at my unnecessary loud voice. I smiled at him instead, to show that I meant him no harm. Leaning closer to him I put my face next to his, 'you have showered,' I noted appreciatively and nuzzled him lightly.

'Merlin Sirius, do you really think this is the right place for those ridiculous little fancies of yours?'

My heart skipped several beats hearing him mention my given name, even in a note of mockery. It took a few breaths before I was able to speak again out of sheer bliss.

'You seemed perfectly happy sitting on top of me in the middle of the hallway last night,' I pointed out, still not pulling us any further apart.

'Still,' Severus now pressed a hand on my shoulder trying to force us apart, but he put no real strength behind it. 'Are you ready for the consequences of anyone else finding us out?'

His words were slightly sobering and I finally let go of his arm. To my immense delight he didn't step away from me, but kept the intimate closeness. My horrifying arguments with James, Peter and Remus suddenly seemed worth it as I looked down on Severus standing just seven or so inches away from me. He was busy scrutinizing the sky the way I had moments earlier.

'I just can't seem to figure you out at all,' I grinned, reaching out a hand to remove some particularly annoying strands of hair from his eyes.

'Good,' was his only comment.

---

'So you say you're done with the Ancient Rune project?' I asked incredulously while Severus unpacked his bag full of books up in one of the more private corners of the library. 'How and when did you get the time?'

'Really,' Severus said, leaning back in his chair, 'people make it seem as if writing a couple of pages and reading a text is time consuming. It's not, if you know how it's done. Especially if you already have an interest in the field and know where to find your information.'

'Yes, but who has an interest in potions _willingly_? And the Dark Arts, I have never understood that!'

'That's because you're a bloody idiot. If you can't see the poetry of the Dark Arts then I truly pity you. It dips into not just the magical aspect of humanity and wizardkind, but also the innermost corners of the mentality. To be able to master the Dark Arts you have to be able to master everything about being a human, about being alive!' Severus was shaking his head with the excitement of his favourite topic and his eyes had a shine and a passion I had never seen before. It was truly extraordinary. And frightening.

'You do understand that the Dark Arts has been especially designed to torture and destroy humans right?'

Severus stopped in his ranting and looked at me with narrowed eyes. 'That's the thing isn't it,' he nearly growled, 'thanks to the abuse it has been through because of the immense power it can give, simple people like you have come to view the Dark Arts as nothing but a means to destroy life! In reality it is so much more than that! _So much more_… Its art that needs to be appreciated and discovered before it disappears entirely!' His voice had become slightly high-pitched and his face looked almost feverish. I felt my mouth hanging open and I closed it with a snap before he noticed. Scratching my forehead and biting my lip I realized that this might not be a favourable discussion to start with Severus.

'So you wouldn't actually hurt someone with the Dark Arts, would you?' I tried instead, hoping that I was steering the conversation into safer waters.

The Dark Arts: the very magic that He Who Must Not Be Named was advocating and using to gain followers and to win over his opponents. I knew I would be fighting the magic Severus so loved whenever I became an auror. I hated it and despised it with every inch of my soul and seeing Severus so caught up in something I knew was nothing but evil made me want to slap some sense into him. It wasn't just because I was a Gryffindor, and it wasn't just because I intended to be an auror, that I hated this branch of magic. I had seen enough of of it for a lifetime already having grown up in the "noble" and most ancient house of Black. None of the beauty he seemed to see in it was true, and calling it the Dark _Arts_ helped giving the wrong impression to begin with.

Severus had been considering my question at length, which I appreciated. 'No,' he answered eventually, 'I wouldn't use the Dark Arts against someone unless it was absolutely necessary. Of course, as you have seen and been a cause to yourself, there are plenty of reasons for me to use it.'

His words hit me. Hard. Being the cause for someone to use dark magic sent an electric bolt of awakening through my body. I felt slightly shocked, but at the same time irritated and angry that it seemed to be so out of my control. I stared at him for a while. Not many days had at all passed since our first detention together and my disgust and dislike of him had turned into something else. Maybe a bit over a week, perhaps even less and we had already kissed and I felt quite certain that I was head over heels in love. I doubted he felt the same, but it would have been nice to be able to pretend. I knew reason and thought had never really been my strong points, neither did it seem like I had developed any of these alluring traits while my lust for him continued to drive me crazy. All that seemed to occupy my mind concerned him one way or another. The skinny, dislikeable and positively evil boy sitting and scowling at me from across the table. I wanted to taste and breathe every particle of him and it was ridiculous, it was laughable, but I just couldn't find the strength in me to fight it.

'God you're so pretty,' I breathed at last, 'I can't understand how I didn't see it before.'

Severus' scowl intensified, but I could see two spots of light pink highlight his cheeks.

'All you're thinking with is what's in your pants,' he muttered at last, leaning over one of his books and opening it. 'You're worse than Rosier, the way you're sniffing around like a horny dog.'

I couldn't help but break out into laughter even though the comment was quite hurtful in and of itself. Leaning over the table I put my hands flat on his book so that it was impossible for him to continue reading. He sat for a few seconds just staring at my hands in the hopes that I would move them, but when I didn't he raised his head and looked me squarely in the eye.

'Do you still hate me?' I asked, trying not to sound as if my entire soul was put into that one question. Severus neither looked away nor broke the eye contact.

'Yes I do,' he said without hesitating, 'I hate you with all my heart.'

It felt as if something inside me curled up and died a painful and agonizing death. Tears stung my eyes before I was able to hold them back and I had to swallow several times to be able to breathe past the heavy lump clogged in my throat. I would not cry I told myself sternly. Not in front of Severus and not in a manner like this. I was not some mooning and lovesick little girl, so why did I act like one? The fact that I was showing such embarrassing weakness in front of someone who would undoubtedly exploit it to every advantage possible appalled me, and I was soon able to gather myself enough to clear my throat one last time and sit back in my chair.

'I wish you'd just disappear,' continued Severus relentlessly, now gaining an edge to his voice. 'I'd wish you'd just fall off the highest tower, I wish you'd burn up in a horrible potions accident. I wish you'd be bitten by a poisonous snake-'

I knew it was my own fault for having shown the weakness to begin with, but now I could feel my anger start to boil. 'Shut up,' I ground out, hoping he'd see in my eyes I was being quite serious. But it seemed like Severus had worked up quite the courage now and instead of stopping he was raising his voice, hissing at me like a snake.

'I wish you'd trip in the marble staircase and break your neck. I wish you'd just fall through some veil and disappear forever. I wish-'

'Shut up!'

'I wish you'd drown in the deepest parts of the Lake, I wish a hippogriff would claw your chest open-'

I shot up from my chair and leaned across the table. 'Shut up!' I roared again and before I knew what had happened my fist had been raised in the air and landed across Severus' face so hard he fell to the floor with a heavy thud.

It was as if the world stood still, as if every second had stopped and the dust froze in the air. All I could hear was my own heartbeat thundering through my ears and Remus' words about how I always ended up hurting the ones I cared about. A small sound escaped Severus and everything came crashing down. Hurrying around the table I found Severus sitting on the floor holding his cheek with one hand and rocking slightly back and forth. Some blood had appeared in the corner of his mouth and I felt the urge to be heavily sick. With careful precision I went down on my knees, approaching him as if he was a wild and possibly dangerous animal.

'I'm so sorry, I'm so terribly sorry, I'm so sorry, so sorry,' I whispered frantically, but I doubted he heard me at all. I wanted to touch him and hold him close to me more than anything in the world, but I didn't dare to approach him. He was staring at me with wide eyes, still holding his cheek and the blood trailing a thin line down his chin. He must have bitten himself when he hit the floor I realized and the sight would almost have been erotic hadn't it been for the utter horribleness of the situation. The anger that had boiled inside me had seemed all consuming, but in matter of seconds it was reduced to nothing more but the deepest remorse. It had turned into a sort of sickness that went beyond just bad guilt at having hurt someone I bizarrely enough cared for. It had delved into the depths of the sorrow that comes with having ruined something that might have been. At that moment I didn't doubt for a second that I hated myself more than Severus was ever capable of doing.

'Can I see?' I asked quietly, gesturing towards his face. It didn't seem like he was capable of hearing as he just continued to watch be guardedly without responding. Slowly I reached out my hand, feeling my throat tighten slightly when he flinched at the movement, and took a light grip around his wrist. Removing his hand and using my own to brush back his hair I could already see a darkening bruise and some skin having been ripped open just above his cheekbone. Not knowing at all what to do I did the only thing I could think of and leaned in to kiss the wound gently. Severus lowered his eyes and let me kiss it again without pulling away. I gave him small butterfly kisses all over the bruised skin. I trailed them down his jawbone until I reached the tin rivulet of blood. Carefully I let my tongue out and tasted it. It reminded me of the kiss we had shared in the forest by the Lake and made a jolt run down my spine and hit my groin. Licking it away slowly, I finished with one last peck at the side of his mouth before letting my spent up breath go.

'I'm so, _so_ sorry,' I whispered yet again into his ear. 'I don't want to be like Rosier, I don't want you to be scared of me and I don't want to hurt you.'

I was still holding his wrist lightly in my hand while leaning my forehead against his. Carefully I began stroking the scarred veins of his arm and wondered if he'd hurt himself again because of what I had done. Suddenly something wet hit the floor and was closely followed by another drop. Looking down at Severus I discovered to my horror that tears were sliding down his face. He was sitting completely still, not even breathing while tear after tear hit the stone floor.

'Severus?' I asked helplessly, a cold chill taking over me. Suddenly he clasped one of his pale hands over his mouth before doubling over in what seemed like excruciating pain. A horrible sound emitted from him, a wail that sounded more as if someone was trying to squeeze all life out of him than an actual cry.

Bending over he held one arm around his stomach and the other in front of his mouth as if he tried to physically stop the sounds that forced themselves through his body. His breath was so ragged and gasped it took him a long while to manage to get enough air back into his lungs again to emit a howl so painful I was sure parts of his throat must have been flared open. The sight of Severus sitting bent over on his knees struggling so hard to hold back something which obviously was out of his power to stop reminded me eerily of one of Remus' transitions.

I could feel my own tears sting at the corners of my eyes, and this time I didn't even have the spare energy to stop them from falling. Not knowing what else to do I began to stroke his back, just like I had seen Mrs. Potter do when James had fallen down from his broom and broken his leg during one summer. It didn't seem like it was enough and eventually I lied down with my head on his shaking back, forcing one arm around his chest and the other around his shoulder so that I could hold him as one scream after another racked through his tiny body.

I don't know how long we sat like that, but it felt as if it was forever and I continued to worry whether or not I should call for adult help since it didn't seem like his fit was going to subside. The only thing that kept me there was that the idea of leaving him in such a state to get anyone seemed to be the most idiotic of them all. Eventually, after ages had passed, Severus' hysterical cries subsided into more human sounding sobs. But even after his cries had stopped we continued to sit in the same position on the floor. I had lost the feeling in one of my legs and my head pounded painfully.

I still didn't let go. I knew he wasn't crying because I had hit him.

It had darkened outside by the time Severus began to stir again, and I was pretty certain the Quidditch game was over and that whichever house that had won was busy celebrating. I couldn't even find it in me to be curious to whom the victory had gone to. I sat up to try and reorganizing my legs, though Severus was still bent over and valiantly mopping at his eyes. Eventually he sat up completely, still avoiding my gaze. His eyes were quite naturally red, so was the cheekbone I had backhanded.

'Let's never speak of this,' I said and Severus nodded appreciatively. 'But… I still think you should talk to someone about that,' I vaguely waved my hand in the direction of his scarred arm.

'And who would that be?' he asked, his voice quite hoarse, 'what does it matter anyway, whether I do it myself or someone else does?'

'Just never let me find you bleeding in a bathroom again.' It wasn't a question or a plea, but an order. I was prepared to receive yet another of his scowls, or a lecture about minding my own business, but Severus only bobbed his head in assent.

Rising up slowly from the floor to stretch my legs and back I walked over to the faceted window. The view from the library was over the Great Lake rather than the Quidditch pitch, but now that it was dark outside I could spot red and golden sparks being illuminated in the black water.

'Seems like Gryffindor won,' I noted out loud, surprising even myself with the lack of glee at the victory. The loud, aggravated sigh that escaped from Severus testified that he had an entirely different opinion about it however. I didn't doubt that the Slytherin common room would be a dismal place the weeks to come. Turning around I found that he had picked himself up from the floor, and nothing in his face but the red rimmed eyes testified to his recent lack of control. The dark bruise on his cheek was a different matter entirely, and I bit my lip in agitation. If he had hated me previously, I didn't even dare to think what he felt about me now. He was staring rather sternly at the books on the table and then at the great grandfather clock which could be seen from any part of the library. Time for detention I realized.

'Now that Gryffindor won maybe McGonagall will be in such a good mood that she will let us off the hook,' I mused hopefully, but Severus only shook his head in a negative.

'I'd rather serve detention the entire night than go back to the common rooms now.' Quietly he moved over to the window to look down at the lake. I could feel his side barely touching my hip and thigh through the robes and had to quench down the excited fluttering in my stomach.

'What shall we do with the bruise?' I asked, rising a hand to carefully trail his jawbone when he looked up at me. 'McGonagall had enough of a fit when she thought I had hurt you yesterday. Now she actually has a _reason _to hex me…'

'Don't worry about it,' answered Severus with a shrewd crooking of his mouth. I hadn't seen him smile in all too long, and it made his eyes glitter peculiarly. Now that I was studying him a bit closer I let my eyes trail down his all too pale and thin neck until my wandering gaze stopped at a spot just above his collar. Tugging loose his tie and opening the first button of his shirt I found that my suspicions had been correct. Bruises, dark and heavy bruises. Not just the light bite marks I had given him the evening before, but clear signs of violence. Severus was frowning at my free search of his throat and neck, but he made no movements to stop me or speak up against it.

'I take it Rosier didn't like the marks I gave you yesterday?' I asked more calmly than I felt. The previously crooked smile turned into a wide grin on Severus' face and he shook his head. 'You did ask me to give them to you,' I remembered, wondering what plans he might have come up with this time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

'Sirius...?'

The voice had been silent and unobtrusive. I didn't turn to confront the owner, I knew who it belonged to.

'Sirius, please.'

It was a plea, no way around it. It made my stomach twist uncomfortably and I didn't know if I'd be able to wait him through, to continue ignoring him as if I did not care. I cared. I cared maybe a bit too much. But they had made it clear; painfully clear, that when it came to picking sides, they wouldn't be picking mine.

'_Sirius…_'

It was too much and I didn't have the willpower. Turning around in my seat I quirked my eyebrow in a silent "what is it?" to the one who had so insistently wanted my attention. Remus sat at the desk in the row behind me, clutching his rock which he would be transfiguring into something magnificent in the next room shortly. We were all picked out one by one to show McGonagall in privacy what we were able to do. This mostly meant that the class took the hour as a break, even if we had been handed tasks to do. Remus, James and Peter were all sitting on the row behind me, but currently James and Peter were too preoccupied retelling James' masterful save of the snitch and thus the game, to notice that Remus was trying to gain contact with me.

---

Last night's detention hadn't been anything particular. McGonagall had assigned us each our duty for once, even though it was conducted in the same office. Apparently Slughorn had been called down to the Slytherin common rooms to calm down most of the rowdy uproar after their disastrous loss. This granted Severus the doubtful privilege of grading his remaining piles, and here we're speaking towers, of handed in essays. I, on the other hand, got to sort the different potions and ingredients that had been rather messily placed into the glass cabinets lining Slughorn's office. Potions had never really been my strong suit, together with common sense and reason, so I had been forced to break the silence to confer with Severus more than once. It certainly deserved some acknowledgement that he still managed to finish his own task in time, and in large parts, mine as well.

To be back in the dungeons now that the Slytherins were having an uprising did scare me a little, to tell the truth (which I wouldn't to any living being). That we could hear, even through the thick stonewalls, the rebellion that was occurring a few corridors away from us were quite unsettling. During one particular blast followed by a shout out, Severus startled enough to scrawl red ink all over his paper. I did not envy him going back there.

Except for my occasional questions, the detention was served in silence.

---

My thoughts had been on Severus as per usual until Remus had interrupted me with his subdued pleas. I had not seen Severus even once during the day. Not during breakfast, not during Defense against the Dark Arts, not during lunch and I was now having my last class of the day. It was unsettling me and Remus' untimely interruption would have annoyed me had it not been for the look on his face. Because of this, and only this, I kept from biting him off when I finally gave him my attention.

Remus turned quickly to see whether or not James was paying attention, which he was not, before leaning over his desk in a confiding manner.

'I need to talk to you Sirius,' he said, his eyes big and brown. 'Really talk to you. I don't want us to be like this anymore. Please, can't we talk later?'

Had I ever been able to resist Remus and his soft nature? Not really. Not now, not ever.

'Okay,' I nodded, 'where?'

'Here… after class?' Remus had barely whispered the words before James suddenly turned away from his group and took a hold of his arm. Casting me a dark glare he motioned for Remus to join them. Remus, throwing me one last despairing glance, turned his chair around to fully concentrate on the already washed out story of James' victory. As was expected of him.

---

Wednesdays were blessedly short days because of my rather sloppily chosen OWL classes. After just two hours of Transfiguration I was free to do whatever I wanted. Remus would still be having two more classes of Arithmancy, yet he did as we had planned and fell further away from James' fanclub, hoping to shake them off completely. While James, Peter and the rest disappeared around a corner he turned and walked slowly back to me.

'So…' I said in a puff of lent out air when Remus had been too preoccupied studying the floor for some time. 'What was it you wanted?'

Setting myself nonchalantly on one of the desks I tried to give myself the air of someone who really didn't care. Truth was my palms were glistening with sweat.

'… I just…' Remus began before trailing off again. Biting his lower lip in obvious agitation, he chose to look at everything in the room except me. 'We can't really go on like this, you know that right?' Upon finishing his stumbling reasoning he turned to stare me directly in the eye.

'I suppose,' I answered, 'but what can we really do about it? I mean, yeah I have done shitty things, and yeah I will regret it for the rest of my life but… you guys haven't really been easy to be around either, you know?'

Remus' eyes widened a fraction. Using one of his hands to try and tame a rowdy brown curl behind his ear I could see the blue veins nearly stand out of his paper-thin skin.

'We being difficult?' he said slowly, as if tasting the concept for the first time. 'Sirius, we're not the ones who suddenly start disappearing at all times, who snaps during conversations or… or let their friend take the brunt for not showing up during Quidditch practice. James really had to struggle to cover you, you know. I don't think it helps that you spend so much time with _him_ either.'

My mouth was partially hanging open, so I closed it rather indignantly. I was at a loss of words. Were they cutting contact with me because I chose to be friendly with a Slytherin, with Severus Snape? Did they feel like I was choosing a side here? Just because I was able to have decent, well relatively decent, conversations with a member of another house I could not be fit to share their space?

'What is this about really, Remus?' I asked after having tried to form as many arguments in my mind as I could, but everyone fell to the ground and failed.

Remus was silent for a long while, fiddling with his bag. Then he suddenly stopped.

'You're in love with him, aren't you?'

The words hung heavy in the air and I was certain my face had become paler than the whitest ghost. My breath had escaped me, or I had forgotten how to breathe all together, or maybe both.

Remus' mouth got a bitter pinch to it when no answer was forthcoming. He nodded slowly to himself, as if I had confirmed his worst fear by remaining silent.

'No!' I finally managed to shout, rather too loudly. Where was Severus when I needed him? Where were his beautifully crafted lies?

'And he doesn't mind, does he?' asked Remus again, giving me such a calculating stare I had previously thought him incapable of. 'This is not one of your new pranks is it? Tricking him into believing you want him, only to humiliate him?'

Again I was struck full force with the cruelty of his softly spoken words. A flash suddenly took me back to the evening before and Severus' dark bruise and his inhuman howls. Tears suddenly stung my eyes and I had to look down, blinking wildly to try and compose myself. Why my emotions had been so wayward lately was beyond my understanding.

A hand suddenly rested on my arm and I looked up despite myself. He must have seen the misery on my face because his lips slowly drew into a small, bitter smile. The true smile of Remus John Lupin, the one where you couldn't decide whether he was about to cry or break out in a grin.

'You mustn't tell anyone Remus,' I said with raw urgency in my voice. 'You must never tell anyone, do you understand?'

I don't know why I felt so hysterical, if anyone could hold a secret, it would be Remus. But somehow I just couldn't find the friendly glimmer in his eyes, the promise that my well-being was his priority. I suddenly realized I did not trust him. And why should I? I had myself managed disclose his most fervently guarded secret to a person who was certain to use it to their own ends. And for what? A silly prank? A prank that could have cost Remus' life.

And Severus'.

Again the bottomless pit opened up to suck me down. My head was swimming and I remembered I had yet to eat that day. Without thinking I succumbed to my exhaustion and let my throbbing head rest against Remus' shoulder. He stood completely still with every muscle taunt. Slowly he began to relax, letting an arm around my shoulder. This was our second reconciliation after my horrible stunt, and I wondered how many more we'd have to go through.

Or if I ever would be truly forgiven at all.

'They understand it by themselves though,' mumbled Remus into my hair, the breath of his voice warm on my head. 'They have talked about it. It's no secret to us that you fancy boys… and the way you have been around him… well it makes it kind of obvious.'

Only Remus could speak such words in such perfect calmness, as if he was discussing the weather or what he had for dinner yesterday.

'I… never wanted to,' I whispered, turning my head around on his shoulder so that I could look at the blue skies outside the window. 'It hurts.'

'Yeah,' agreed Remus quietly, 'it hurts.'

---

During dinner I began worrying again. I had seen neither hide nor hair of Severus and it didn't look like he was going to sulk up from the dungeons to eat any time soon. I grew even more suspicious when Rosier did his entrée followed by his faithful Slytherins, but no Severus in his shadow. I didn't notice my spasm like grip on the knife until a discreet cough by my elbow distracted me. Lily Evans stared critically at me, then around me, as if to see if it was true that I really did sit alone at the table.

'Yeah I thought I did see a pig fly by the window not long ago,' she said, stabbing a piece of steak before shoveling it onto her mouth.

'Huh?' I asked caught off guard. What had transfigurated pigs to do with anything? James had a _weird_ taste in girls.

'Oh, that's right,' she said after having chewed her food and poured it down with pumpkin juice. 'It's a muggle expression. It's like; if something is really unlikely to happen we say "yeah, that'll happen when pigs fly!" You know, for the general muggle flying pigs aren't very likely and all.' The last sentence was slightly muffled by potatoes and brown sauce, but Evans seemed an expert at talking with her mouth full without handicapping whichever message she was about to divulge with the world.

I really had no answer for her, still trying to figure out the flying pigs' thing, but I nodded anyway.

'I'm not the only one sitting alone though,' I commented. Girls seemed to largely move in pack, and was rarely seen straying alone. She shrugged before taking another huge piece of her steak, chewing fast to be able to sooner pick up the conversation. It was a wonder to behold.

'The other girls have gotten it in their heads that they have to diet,' said Evans with a disgusted look on her face. 'What's up with that? Seems to think the Hogwarts' diet is unhealthy or something. Well, I wasn't about to sit up in the dormitory counting calories any time soon, so I went down here. I love food." She underlined this by reaching out for the delicious Shepherd's Pie.

Then suddenly a thought hit me stronger than a giant's club to the head: Evans was a childhood friend of Severus'. They had never been the type to sit and giggle together or play exploding snap in the Great Hall, but they had been seen together occasionally. And especially at Hogsmeade weekends.

'Evans, might I ask you a question?' I prodded carefully. The way I asked must have caught her attention. She let the fork, with the piece of pie she had been about to shovel down, rest. Her green eyes stared at me for a second before she straightened up and nodded.

'Sure Black, I can't see why not. You're actually a relatively pleasant person when you're away from that Potter boy.'

Not knowing whether to take that as a compliment or an insult, I shrugged one shoulder and thought through how to phrase my question.

'Severus, err, I mean Snape. You two used to be friends, didn't you?'

The warm curiosity that'd been in her eyes suddenly turned into steel and her entire face became a stony mask. Her lips pinched together and her nostrils flared. She gave her head a toss, making her red hair flare around her like a lion's mane.

'How about it?' she ground out, staring me up and down. 'Anything you want with him?'

'No… well err…' Taking a quick look around me I made certain no one was paying attention to our conversation, and leaned closer to be able to whisper in her ear. 'I've just noticed that you two are no longer on speaking terms and… well. I am not going to ask _why, _since that really isn't my business, but I was wondering if you, I guess, knew him?'

'If I _knew_ him?' she repeated in a dead pan. 'We grew up together, played together as children, swore to always stick together through thick and thin. Well, childish promises never hold long I suppose.' She sounded bitter, now merely poking at the poor remains of her pie. 'But I suppose hearing slander about him is just right up your ally, isn't it Black?'

Loud shouting and arguments garnered less attention than quiet whispering. Evans and I leaning in together had suddenly attracted quite a few suspicious ears around us. Any further conversation was pointless if I wanted to keep it secret.

'Listen Evans,' I said as silently as I could through the chattering and clattering of the Great Hall. 'Can't you come out and take a walk around the Lake with me? I really need to talk.'

It must have been the severity in my voice that convinced her that I was actually being serious. Nodding, she let her delicious food rest and unceremoniously marched out of the hall. She didn't turn to see if I was following.

---

Evans had had the foresight to put a scarf in her robe pocket and was twinning it around her neck while we walked in silence. I, on the other hand, could do nothing but turn the collar up and hope I did not catch a cold in the biting wind. It had not subsided in the least from yesterday and not even the struggling rays of the sun were any comfort. The trees lining the forbidden forest had all donned their magnificent colours, but were laying low to the ground because of the windy weather. Leaves whirled up from the ground to twirl in exciting roundabouts in the air before landing on the Lake. The entire beach was now covered with fallen leaves, washing none too gently up against the rocks.

But not even the passionate red of the leaves could measure up to Evans' long hair tumbling around her head like fire. She didn't seem particularly patient with me while she walked in hurried steps down to the lakebed before stopping abruptly. We weren't the only ones out on a windy walk; students and teacher alike could be seen scattered like black spots around on the grounds. It was a beautiful day, all things considered. I would have liked sharing it with Severus.

'So, tell me then, what is it you want?'

'You two aren't friends anymore, are you?' I asked, fighting wildly with my hair to stay out of my face. Eventually I gave it up as a lost cause. My question had in the meantime made her cross her arms in irritation and narrow her eyes at me dangerously.

'That's all you want to know, whether Severus and I are friends anymore? Have Potter sent you or something to check if I am free of Slytherin germs or what have you?'

It would have been an awfully James' thing to do, I conceded to that. Shaking my head in exasperation I was at a loss of how to continue.

'No…' I said at length. 'I have been serving detention with him the past week and… Well I suppose it was Dumbledore's plan for us to get along better or something. Sounds ludicrous right? I thought so too. But the old man's usually right I suppose. The thing _is…_ I haven't seen Severus since last night's detention, and he didn't even show up for the Defense against the Dark Arts classes. Didn't you notice?'

Evans' face was still, but something in her attitude told me she had been listening closely. She was using her hand to try and place her raging hair behind one ear, but no matter how many times she repeated the action, it was still nothing but chaos in the wind.

'So you call him Severus now, do you?' she asked and finally looked away from me and out over the lake. 'He is- … Black, listen to me, he is not of the good sort. We were best friends, _best friends_, and I always imagined that counted for something. Apparently it did not. His little gang of Slytherins and Dark Arts are much too important to him to care about something like that. He will drop you in a heartbeat if they told him to…' Evans trailed off and the pinch around her mouth became even sterner. A heavy sigh escaped her and she turned to look at me again. 'Heaven knows I care more about him than you Black, but for whatever it's worth, stay away from him. He is no good.'

---

It was half past six and I had already collected my bag, but forgotten my robes, and headed out the portrait hole. For the last hour I had been staring at the clock ticking second for second. My mind was in turmoil and had more or less been consistently since my first detention with Severus. I wondered if he'd be there, or if he had managed to sneak his way around it yet again. My mind was also spinning around the conversations I had had with Remus and Evans.

Rounding the corner and facing McGonagall's office door for the hundredth time I suddenly felt certain that Severus would not be turning up. Why would he when he had even skipped classes? One of the teachers had once dragged him bodily out of the classroom because he would not go to the hospital wing even after nearly passing out during class. I continued to walk right pass McGonagall's office and headed towards the source of all these troubles and worries: Dumbledore.

The gargoyle stood there with its ugly stone face like he always had, and I was just as clueless about the password as I had always been.

'Chocolate frogs?'

Nothing.

'Acid pops! Pepper imps! Cockroach Clusters! … Fudge Flies?'

I could have sworn the gargoyle rolled his eyes at me.

'Sugar quills!' I would not give up, 'Choco balls? …Peppermint Toads! Jelly Slu-'

Suddenly the gargoyle jumped to the side and the staircase began to move. The feeling of victory subsided when I saw who was riding down them. It wasn't Dumbledore, but Severus. His mind must have been somewhere far away because he did not see me at all until he had walked straight into me. Cringing, he looked up with a startled expression before taking a few steps backwards, effectively bumping into the gargoyle.

'Why were you up there?' I asked curiously, wanting to pull him into a hug. Or at the very least just hold him close, but something about his body language told me not to.

'We talk,' said Severus moving away from the gargoyle while throwing it a suspicious scowl. 'Sometimes anyway. He seems curious about my plans after Hogwarts.'

'I can't say I blame him for that,' I mused quietly, and fell into steps with him. 'Where have you been all day? Are you going to detention now?'

Severus only gave me a glare out of the corner of his eye, but a small smile played on his lips. My heart beat furiously. I put a hand on his shoulder and carefully pushed him to the wall before bending over to give him a soft kiss. The next one was more lingering, and I salvaged the feeling of him pushing slightly into me. Wanting it. Maybe even needing it, perhaps, as much as I did. I let my tongue stroke his lips carefully, and he opened them without hesitation. His eagerness in the kiss made my blood rush downwards unimaginably fast, and I suddenly wished I hadn't forgotten the robes after all. Breaking the kiss to get my breath back I still brushed my lips against his, pressing them softly against each other. One of his hands had left the arm it had been holding and was now slowly sliding down my waist and pass my hip bones. My breath hitched embarrassedly when it finally reached its goal and pressed teasingly against my groin. I didn't know whether to let him keep on going or to stop him. There was too little blood left in my brain to really consider the situation in any rational manner.

'We should find a classroom or something,' he whispered hoarsely, his predicament just as awkward as my own.

That was of course easier said than done. Just being separated from him long enough to walk down the corridor was painful. Eventually, we did find an abandoned room, though I doubted it was used as a classroom anymore. At least I had never attended a class there before. But the door was open and after Severus had thrown a few well aimed spells it was moderately lit too.

Everything happened in relative urgency, neither of us seeming to be able to restrain ourselves. Severus' robes were hastily discarded to the floor and zippers were opened. Our kiss never broke while we fumbled through the room until Severus' back hit a wall. Feeling his hands on me, the urgency in his strokes, and having him the same way in my own palm made the world disappear into a fog of feeling and pleasure.

It was the needy whine in the back of his throat as he pushed against me that finally undid me.

---

I was quivering slightly letting my clean hand rest against his cheek. Severus' eyes were half lidded and we both struggled to regain our breaths.

'We're going to be late for detention,' murmured Severus at last, but he didn't move to untangle himself from our rather messy embrace.

'Ach, McGonagall can wait,' I retorted, letting my lips brush lightly against his forehead. 'What's the worst she can do? Give us more detention?'

Finally Severus stirred and revealed his wand to clean us both off the mess. 'I'd rather not lose any points to Slytherin,' he said quietly and began to make himself look presentable. I followed his example, feeling my hands still shaking slightly. My lips were rather sore after our kissing having become more violent during the short frenzy. Severus was already dressed and heading out the door.

'Wait!' I heard myself command in an unexpectedly authoritative voice, and to my surprise Severus did just that. Turning, he folded his arms and raised an eyebrow in his typical, impatient way. 'You still haven't told me why you didn't turn up for classes today,' I said, hefting my bag over my shoulder and I walked up to him. His eyes avoided mine while he tried to look nonchalant. 'I am guessing the Slytherin common room was a bit _too _rowdy then.' His eyes snapped back up to my face. 'Rosier must have been in quite a foul mood after having lost the game. Am I right?'

''S none of your business,' he hissed, turning sharply and reaching for the door handle. I was too quick for him and had soon put myself between him and the only exit. He gritted his teeth.

'Like hell it is my business,' I said trying to get a hold of him again, but he skipped out of my reach. 'I was worried sick, don't you understand. I don't want you within a hundred miles of that scumbag. He hurts you and he has no _right_ to hurt you. He doesn't own you!'

'Oh and you do, do you?' shouted Severus suddenly, his entire body nearly shaking with spent up anger. I knew this was a critical moment, and whatever I said would either make him stay or go away forever.

'I'd like to try anyway,' I said eventually, not knowing whether or not I had just dug my own grave. With Severus, who knew what the correct answer was? He could agree with the most ludicrous and cruel things, but fly right in your face at an innocent remark. But now he was just staring at me with his expressionless, black eyes and his head slightly cocked to the side.

'Very well,' he said in a neutral voice, 'but we're still late for our detention.'


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

I risked walking close to him while walking towards McGonagall's office with my hand barely brushing his. He didn't seem to mind it; he had yet to distance himself. My blood was still pumping heavily through my veins, almost so hard it hurt. We had done more than just casual snuggling or making out, we had taken it a step further. Euphoria welled inside me. Everything was perfectly fine with the world. What did I care whether James and the others couldn't handle my affair with Severus? If they were just too _Gryffindor_ to be in the same room with a Slytherin, or to be friends with someone who could, they were no better than the pureblood elitists. And who was I really? I was born and bred a Slytherin. That was where I came from and no matter how much they tried to deny it; it would never stop being the truth. Did this mean they secretly resented me too? Well, they could go on being prudes all they wanted, I had what I needed and he was walking not even inches away from me.

Staring down at him he must have felt my gaze, looking up at me a smile gracing his face; the one showing his small and crooked teeth. Not a force in the world could have stopped me from grabbing him and giving him yet another sound kiss right then and there. In that smile I had seen the same feelings I myself was experiencing. He was a master of lies, but that smile couldn't hide a thing.

'Every time I look at you I can't stop thinking you're the most gorgeous thing to have walked this earth,' I whispered hoarsely while stroking one of his neat eyebrows with my thumb. He rolled his eyes at me, but his goofy smile had yet to fade.

Most moments never last for long. We were still walking slowly down the corridor to McGonagall's office in our own little bliss when Severus suddenly froze at my side. Raising my head curiously to see whatever it was that had him unsettled again I felt myself stiffen in surprise too. James stood leaning nonchalantly against the wall opposite the office door with his hands in his pockets. Straightening up to my quite recognizable height I cocked my head in a questioning manner.

'What're you doing here?' I asked, trying to appear as cool as he was. With a shrug he pulled away from the wall, raising his eyebrows lightly.

'Me?' he said, letting his eyes travel from me to Severus and back again. 'You guys seem to have a merry time.'

'What are you doing here?' I asked again, brushing off his comment as if it was of no importance.

'Well, what do you think I am doing in front of McGonagall's office? Hanging out? I have detention. Apparently with you two…'

I looked quickly at Severus, but all his attention was focused on James.

'And where are those other friends of yours?' he asked, his wand hand clenching and unclenching. 'It's rare to see you at a detention all alone.'

James made a grimace like he tasted something sour while looking at Severus, then his brown eyes fell on me again. They seemed to be without compromise, and in a flash of revelation I wondered if this was the James Severus had always seen: arrogant, hostile and dangerous.

Like a saving angel McGonagall opened her office door, interrupting whatever might have unfolded between us.

'Well,' she snapped when we failed to make any movements on our own, 'your detention will be served outside today.'

Both I and James groaned loudly, but Snape remained quiet by my side.

All three of us stood outside in the biting cold watching Hagrid demonstrate our detention to us. We were to dig up and shift the soil in an herb garden at the edge of the forest and then plant some rare and imported seeds. Apparently they were the opposite of any other flower and grew only during winter at night time, harvesting during spring. I had been given the task of running up to the Gryffindor Tower to collect our cloaks, and now I stood clutching it to as close as possible. Severus was positively quivering in the cold wind beside me now that the sun had set. Even James, who had spent years perfecting his cool, was biting down on his bottom lip to stop his teeth from clattering. It didn't seem like Hagrid noticed any of this while he happily dug the shovel in the earth and turned a huge piece around.

'I know it's a poor job an' all, but yeh're three so it won't take tha' long to finish,' he beamed at us. 'I just got some business ter see to in the forest, so I'll be back real soon. Now I don't want any of yeh to be arguin' while I'm gone alright?' Hagrid tried to look sternly at the three of us, and if he was confused why I was standing together with a Slytherin instead of my housemate he didn't show it. Hefting his crossbow over his back he had soon summoned the old dog and disappeared into the long shadows of the forest.

The silence stretched between us as we all stood staring after him, each our shovel and bag of seeds in our hands.

'Why does the faculty at Hogwarts insist on leaving us to our own supervision during detention?' asked Severus ponderously, his large cloak billowing violently around his thin frame.

'I was just thinking the same thing,' I muttered, wondering whether James could hear any of our quiet conversation through the noise of the wind. If he could he didn't show it. He was busy wandering over to the rows of dirt and dug his shovel listlessly into it.

'Damn this,' he muttered loud enough to carry over to where I and Severus stood. 'It's autumn, the soil is _frozen _now. How do they expect us to manage this during one evening?'

'James!' I called out. First I didn't think he would turn, but grudgingly he looked over his shoulder at me. The only light we had to see by was a lantern Hagrid had optimistically hung on a pole by the fence, but the only effect it gave was making the darkness even darker. The creeping shadows from the forest rested across James' face, making his features look distorted. 'How come you got detention?'

James scoffed and turned back to force the shovel into the frozen ground. Time went by and when no answer was forthcoming from him, Severus eventually picked up his own shovel and walked quietly up to the other end of the small field.

Being uncharacteristically diplomatic for once, I opted to start in the middle of the row so that neither begun to provoke the other with undue stares or anything similar to it. I don't know how long we stood there trying to breach the crust of the earth, but my hands had already grown numb when a voice interrupted our studious work.

'I just wanted to see what the hell you were up to during the detentions since it seemed so damn important to you.' Throwing the shovel down on the ground James straightened up and looked at me. I stopped my own work and returned the stare; I could hear the rhythmic thumps of Severus' shovel ceasing behind me. I think we were both holding our breaths at that point. Remus' revelation that both James and Peter were on to what was happening came back to me. Though not even _I_ was certain of what the hell was going on.

'I promise you,' I answered as nonchalantly I could with my clattering teeth, 'nothing more exciting than this happens.' I would have thrown away the shovel too if I just could have made my frozen fingers move at all. As it were they had a worrying shade of blue and held the handle of the shovel in a spasm like grip.

It didn't seem like James was listening to me anymore. He was staring at something behind me. His eyes had narrowed and just as the idea hit me I could see him dragging his wand in lightening reflex. All I managed to perceive before diving for the ground was that the first spell had been cast from behind me. Turning around while on all four I Severus had already dragged his wand and was deftly blocking all of James' hexes. James was angry, he was shouting curses and jinxes both muggle and magical alike at Severus who was shielding them one by one. I knew it would never end well for James if his temper kept on making him act impulsive and irrational. Neither was I certain Severus' hatred for James would make him throw something a bit more serious than a batboogey jinx. If I had learnt something during the time with him it was that he was not predictable in the least. If James' temper caused Severus to lose the little grip he had on his own passion he could find himself expelled from Hogwarts sooner than he could say Dark Arts. Jumping up from the ground I pulled out my own wand, but refrained from using it while they were moving around. It was all going so fast I couldn't keep on one target long enough.

'Severus, put down your wand!' I tried to yell over the zaps and curses of the flashing wands. '_Please_!' I wasn't the least bit surprised when Severus let my request go completely unheeded. James' hot anger meant that he acted like the lightening quick seeker he was and curse after curse flashed out of his wand and not even Severus was able to turn the tide. His shield held the curses, but James was soon advancing and in order to keep the distance Severus had begun to back away and towards the forest. Their duel dance moved faster and faster, forcing Severus to run backwards while James had taken up a light jogging in his advancement. Jumping to the left instead of making another block, James' curse hit the ground and the earth flashed up with the sparks and the frozen grass sizzled with the dying flames. Just as quickly as he had dodged the curse Severus had sent one at James. He had been unable to block it and it hit him straight in the face. An enraged howl escaped him. Severus used the opportunity to turn and sprint in towards the forest. I had never been far away from James, though frozen in my horror at the duel unfolding in front of me. Jumping forward I could see that a long cut appeared on his face, tracing from his forehead and down to his mouth right across his eye. Blood was pouring down the right side of his face and his mouth was twisted into a furious snarl. Taking him by the shoulder I was about to use my cloak to halt some of his bleeding but he pushed me off violently.

'Get off me,' he growled and before I managed to regain my balance he was off in a run after Severus. I quickly lost sight of them both in the deep shadows of the forest. Peering in I could hear faint shouts and colourful lights fluttered like fairies between the huge trunks.

I stood in a moment of indecision before tightening the grip around my wand and running headfirst into the forest after them. The darkness was almost unimaginable, not even a glimmer of the moonlight or the bright stars could filter through the thick growth of the trees.

'_Lumos_,' I whispered in a futile attempt at brightening up the surroundings. All I could see in the circle of light around me were stones, roots and trees. The hair on the back of my neck stood up like the hackles of a dog. Which reminded me… Putting away my wand and closing my eyes I took a deep breath and felt my paws, my strong muscles, and the fur across my body and the sharp teeth in my mouth. But most importantly I could now hear and see everything that moved and lived in the forest. Jumping over the roots in huge leaps I sniffed the air and could soon feel the scent of my friend and lover as a taste on my tongue.

Their loud noises were no longer difficult to hear or to locate; they weren't really that far away from me. Galloping in between the trees I could remember how free it had felt to run these same paths with my friends. That was nearly a month ago now, and I wondered if Remus wanted me to join him the next full moon. It was difficult to follow these trains of thoughts when my dogmind was more concentrated on the sounds and scents I was tracking. Letting my human worries go it took me maybe a minute or less to find and hunt down my stray friends. For some reason their noise suddenly stopped. Hadn't it been for the fact that I could hear two human shapes move, I would have been worried. Lurking in between two massive roots I found James slowly trailing a trunk with his hand to steady himself in the dark. All his senses were piqued, but in the dark he was as blind as any human and I could scent worry radiate from him.

With good reason I soon realized: Severus was on the other side of the trunk James tried to navigate around. He stood clear with his wand; his eyes alight with a strange burning fire. He must have thrown some form of dark art curse that made it possible for him to see in the dark. He had no problems seeing James slowly, but surely, closing in, walking right into the spider's web. His mouth was curved into a cruel smile and I was sure that the magical fire in his eyes weren't the only thing that made them burn.

Just when James was about to clumsily step over a root and around the trunk, I jumped out from my hiding place transforming into my human skin as I did. Fixing my wand out of my sleeve I cast a lumos and shoved it right into Severus' face. He howled in agitation. The additional light hurt his eyes and he shielded his face like a vampire confronted with sunlight.

James had stopped with his foot on the root and was staring at me and Severus with his mouth slightly agape. He hadn't realized how close he had been to danger. We both knew that Severus could have been planning anything, really. Out here in the desolate forest he could have claimed that he lost track of James, that he had walked back innocently thinking James had given up the chase. Severus would have stunned him or worse before leaving him here to a certain faith.

An anger raised in me so great that before I could stop myself I had pinned Severus against the tree by the throat. He had yet to remove the torch spell on his eyes and the wand I held up against his face was hurting him so much tears were streaming down his face.

'What the fuck do you think you were doing?' I growled at him, baring my teeth as if I were still in my canine shape.

'Sirius,' he moaned pitifully, trying to reach his eyes with his hands. I only tightened my grip around his throat and he dropped them limply by his side.

'Drop your wand,' I ordered. He did as ordered without even a second's hesitation. The wood of his wand clattered against the ground and I loosened my grip around his throat, but I didn't release it. 'You're pissing me off,' I continued still mercilessly holding my wand up to his eyes. He was clenching them as tightly shut as he could. 'I knew you started that duel, you wanted to trick James into the forest didn't you? Look at me!'

'_Sirius_,' whispered James beside me, but I ignored him. He could think what he wanted, this stood between me and Severus. That sly Slytherin should know better than to touch what was mine. But even so, I lowered the wand a friction so that the light wasn't shining directly into his eyes anymore.

'Look at me,' I commanded again, calmly. Slowly he opened them and turned his head. The flames were still there and the whites of his eyes had turned a burning shade of scarlet. It made for a bizarre effect. Severus' skin was a pasty shade of white because of the effort it took him to open his eyes in the too bright light. I could feel him shake slightly in my grip. Slowly he had turned his gaze and was now looking me right in the face with his eyelids fluttering furiously, his body forcing him to protect himself. Finally I took pity on him and released my grip. Immediately he dived down to the ground with his hands in front of his face.

I could have blinded him if I had held him there much longer. Severus knew this too, yet he trusted me enough to do as I had told him. I wanted to hold him. Close. Crush his slim bones to me. But James made me painfully aware of his presence when he took a hold of my arm to garner my attention.

'What the _hell_ was all that about?' he hissed, looking at me with an expression I could only interpret as something between fright and curiosity.

'He was about to make a quick end to the legend that is James Potter,' I told him. The revelation had shaken me deeper than I wanted to show. Looking down at the shape sitting on his knees, carefully extracting the flames from his eyes, I knew now how dangerous he was. He could seem so fragile and vulnerable, taking to tears and so easy to bruise but… underestimating him would mean a certain end to things.

I felt cheated and confused. And if possible; even more in love than before.

When we finally managed to stumble out of the forest relatively unscathed we found Hagrid by the field with his dog. I had never seen the friendly keeper angry before in my life, but the sight that met us when we exited the forest made me halt in my steps.

'Thank Merlin! There yeh are!' he bellowed upon seeing us. 'I was certain yeh had wandered an' gotten yerself lost in the forest!'

'Ah, you should know better than that,' said James and beamed the winning smile that could unarm any authority. 'We never get lost; we just saw something of interest and thought we should check it out. We never went further than we could see the light there.'

Hagrid nodded slowly and a wheezing laughter errupted beside me. The predatory grin had spread itself across Severus' face again. The torchlight distorted it and with his already blood-shot and black eyes the effect made him look beyond mad.

'Who'd think a Gryffindor able to lie that smoothly,' he whispered. His voice was raspy, most probably from my chokehold on him just a few moments earlier. A shudder gripped me involuntarily.

'James, what's happened to yer face?' exclaimed Hagrid suddenly and with his great hands took a hold of James' shoulder and forced him into the light. The relatively well-built boy looked like a puppet in Hagrid's giant paws.

'Just a twig! It was just a twig!' shouted James in defense against the maltreatment he was experiencing. 'I just got caught on a twig in the darkness of the forest.'

'That's not a scratch, that's a cut as I have ever seen one! No way aroun' that,' mused Hagrid gruffly and cast us a glance. 'Yeh've been fightin', haven't yeh?

'Yes of course we'd like to spend our _detentions_ fighting. Especially if this will earn us even more detentions than we already serve. That's highly logical,' drawled Snape while he lurked around the circle of light the pathetic lantern was providing. Hagrid was following his progress with narrowed eyes.

'I'm not stupid,' said Hagrid and gently placed James down on the ground again. 'No matter what yeh might think Snape. Dumbledore has been givin' me the orders to keep an eye on yeh all. Most of all yeh, Severus Snape. That's what he said; "never leave Severus out of sight, Hagrid," he said.'

'Too late,' murmured Severus, who had moved so that Hagrid stood in between us. The big man was obviously shaken by what was happening and James stared at him with wide, open eyes. Probably wondering how to best save the moment if I knew him at all. Eventually he did the only thing James knew how and turned to confront Severus directly.

'Shut your face you dirty Death Eater,' he growled, raising his wand threateningly. It must have been just what Severus had been waiting for. His hand was slowly sneaking into his robes to collect his own wand. I don't know why he hadn't whipped it out at lightning speed like he usually did, but it saved the situation from escalating into yet another duel.

'Stop that James,' Hagrid said forcing James' arm gently down again. 'I don' need yeh to fight fer me, get it?'

It must have had hurt James's burning pride to do it, but he heeded Hagrid's request.

'Mark my words,' he snarled instead and pointed a finger instead of a wand. 'This is not over yet. When we're out of school I will hunt you down and give you the sentence you deserve.'

'Likewise Potter, likewise.'

It didn't come as a surprise when Hagrid declared that detention was over. Whoever had decided that giving him the responsibility for supervising detention involving me, James and Severus couldn't be very aware. That, or too optimistic and had a cravings for anything sweet and colourful.

I was watching my dirty shoes while walking listlessly down the corridors. Severus was in the dungeons now. I still didn't know why he hadn't shown up for classes. Things had seemed so sweet and so impossibly easy for a few blissful moments. But of course, _impossible_ had been the operative word the entire time. How could I ever fool myself into thinking that anything with Severus could ever be easy or just sweet? Choosing him would be synonymous to discarding my friends. The life I had pictured. Everything I had built up to show myself and the world that I was not just a Black. I was supposed to be an auror together with James, young and immortal and smartly clothed in long red cloaks.

But the few moments I spent with _him_ every day still gave me something I had never felt previously. It was like a drug. The first taste left one reeling and curious, the next made you want more. More and more. Eventually you were just counting down the seconds for the next kick.

'What happened there in the forest?'

I had barely noticed James walking just a few steps behind me all the way from the grounds.

'What do you mean?'

He had seen things there he shouldn't have seen. Heard things that I would not be able to explain. I mean how could I? I was unable to explain it to myself, much less someone who couldn't possibly know how this all felt.

'He called you by your given name… for starters.'

Oh that. You shouldn't have done that Severus. Not that I was to point any fingers, I who had been blurting his name out all over the place.

'Maybe he thought it would throw me off.'

And it nearly had. Hearing my name spoken by his eloquent voice still made me shudder. He had just recently taken it up and he must have realized what kind of effect it had on me.

'I have never seen Snape obey an order so quickly before, either.'

No, neither had I. And it had felt wonderful. I had felt him lean into my touch as he did it, giving in. We all knew he would have had no problems fighting me off. Not after the initial shock of the lumos.

'I took him by surprise; maybe he thought he'd play surrender to trick me. Who knows with him, right?'

So many lies during just one evening. We all lied all the time. The only thing I knew to be true was how my heart raced when I saw him, when I heard him talk, when he looked at me. There had been no lies in the smile he had given me. Or the touches.

'You have been serving detention together for around a week now right? Only a week left then… aren't you looking forward to that?'

My heart sank painfully. The thought made my throat tighten and I shoved it away from myself violently. It was just detention for Merlin's sake! It wasn't as if everything would end when our last night was served together…

'Of course.'

Damn lies.

'I didn't think you were talking to me these days,' I eventually said, initiating a change of direction in the conversation. We were soon at the Gryffindor tower now, any chat would soon be put an end to.

'I'm not… I just-' James stopped in his pace and grabbed a hold of my robes. It annoyed me and I snapped them quickly out of his grip, but stopped walking. 'Look. We've been friends for six years, _six years,_ and then we're going to let it end like this? I worry about you, don't you get that!'

'_Worry_ about me? What is all this shit about worrying? First Remus and now you? What's next, Peter's gonna sit me down for some tea and a long chat? I don't get what the hell you guys think is wrong!'

'That's the thing isn't it?' said James with in an exasperated sigh, letting his arms down by his sides in surrender. Shaking his head before looking down and beyond the end of the corridor, he eventually turned his gaze back to me. His brown eyes glittered strangely. 'The Sirius I knew would understand why his friends worried about him when he willingly spent time with Snivellus and seemed to enjoy it. Just saying.'

There were a few seconds of silence where I couldn't bring myself to do anything but look at him. The torches aligning the corridor flickered lightly in the chilly draft.

'It's hard to explain... he- ' I began lamely but let it fall dead to the ground. Giving it yet another try I waved my arms desperately to try and make James understand. 'He's… just so…'

'Insane?'

'Yes!'

James gave me a dubious stare. I didn't know what I was trying to explain at all.

The rest of the walk up to the Gryffindor tower was conducted in silence.

'Don't you find it curious how until now we have only shared detention with Potter? And how we're always left alone?'

Severus was sitting with his legs crossed on the floor, slowly polishing a plaque of some kind. I was attempting to do the same, but having him sit there made for a delicious distraction. Being on uncertain terms with your mates while you lived in school meant that everyday life could become quite difficult to cope with. They were your family away from home so to say. The ones you turned to when you needed to talk, unwind or just joke about. The tension between the four of us was so thick you could nearly touch it.

The rest of the house was noticing the split too. They didn't talk to us about it, but I noticed the curious stares and how they always peeked over at James when they talked to me, as if they weren't certain they were allowed. The short conversation James and I had had concerning Severus the evening before had been the only communication since then. I was in a way starting to understand where they came from. To them it looked like I was abandoning them in the favour of one of our arch enemies. Had they just taken the opportunity to get to know him like I did instead of writing it all off instantly, maybe things would have been a bit different. Thanks to Severus' stunt last night though, I doubted either of them would be very co-operative.

'Black.'

Severus' calm mentioning of my family named awakened me from my thoughts and I tried to concentrate on what he had been saying. Yes, it was kind of odd the way our detentions had been conducted. The fact that not even Filch where hanging around breathing down our necks and threatening us with corporal punishment was curious, to say the least.

'It's not like I mind the circumstances, though,' I said with a sly grin in his direction and wiggled my eyebrows suggestively. This earned me a glare and a thinning of lips.

'Horny dog,' scoffed Severus and looked down on his plaque again. 'I wonder if it's a set up, all of it. A part of Dumbledore's plan maybe…'

'Dumbledore has a plan to make his students bugger around the castle?' I asked before narrowing my eyes suspiciously, 'I knew it!'

I couldn't help but laugh at the thought and even though he tried to hide it I could clearly see the glint of mirth in Severus' eyes. They were still slightly blood-shot, but not nearly as bad as the previous night. Surprisingly it didn't seem like he held any grudges towards me or my ill-treatment of him either. Perhaps he had understood that he had crossed the line somewhere.

'Even so, if we try to concentrate and act like intelligent human beings, yes I know that might be difficult for you, but please do try… what could Dumbledore possibly get out of this? Is he really that certain of his meddling abilities that leaving us alone would not result in the death of the other?'

'Well… it hasn't,' I answered at length and shrugged my shoulders. 'How am I supposed to know whether he knew this would be the result or not?'

'Throwing Potter into the concoction was a ridiculous idea though,' mused Severus, brushing his long hair out of his face and behind his ear. He had taken up doing that around me and I couldn't help but interpret it as a sign of trust. Putting down my plaque, it was still as grimy as when I had first started on it, I leaned over and took a hold around Severus' ankle. He startled, but didn't resist when I dragged him closer to me.

Holding him felt perfect. I spent the entire day in some sort of limbo, never knowing whether talking to my classmates was alright. Throwing furtive glances at James who was busy trying not to do the same, then feeling Remus' mournful silence and Peter's confused tries to make it all seem like nothing had happened just made it all that much more unbearable. So when I at the end of the day could wander down to my Head of House's office and see him already standing there waiting for me, nothing of that seemed to matter much at all anymore. The fact that he was the cause of most of the chaos was something I tried to push as far away from me as possible.

Severus did almost all his work with his sleeves over his delicate hands. Now I knew why, of course, but it didn't help on the desire I had to properly pull them up to his elbow. If anyone was able to make a craft out of doing anything and everything with hands handicapped by heavy robes, it had to be Severus. Yet, I didn't want to waste this opportunity to do what I had ached to do for ages. Pushing up his robesleeves and undoing the buttons by his wrists, I neatly rolled these up too. The bandages around his left arm had been removed, and the scars were seemingly growing quite nicely. I didn't doubt they had been aided by a healing salve of some sort. Rubbing my finger up and down his uneven, pale skin I felt him lean into me.

Truth be told, the entire situation was unbelievable and if someone had told me about a week ago this would happen I would have cursed them in all the ways I knew how. No wonder they worried about my sanity.

'And Rosier, what does he think of all this?' I asked, still busying myself by tracing his translucent blue veins. Severus stiffened in my lap and tried to retract his arm, but I held it firmly.

'He… doesn't think anything of it,' answered Severus, still not relaxing back in our embrace.

'Don't lie to me,' I growled and tightened my hold around him. It was a possessive grip, not a violent one, and he seemed to welcome it, relaxing just a little.

'I think you can guess what Rosier would have thought of it all. Actually though… he doesn't have the faintest idea, really. Do you think I would let him get a hunch of this?'

Something didn't add up there and I frowned in confusion while I tried to think through it. What about the marks, the aggression, how he had been stalking us just a few days ago? It was obvious he was onto _something_. If James and Peter were able to figure out that everything wasn't as it used to be, then Rosier surely must have. He had seen my bite marks on Severus, after all. Or had I misunderstood the entire thing?

'Severus, that's impossible,' I finally said with a hint of doubt in my voice. 'For him not to know, I mean.'

'People only know what I want them to know.'

Leaning in I stole a swift kiss from him. It was difficult, since he held his head slightly lowered, but using my free hand to raise his chin fixed that easily. His lips were already slightly parted and I used the opportunity so wantonly given to me for all that I could. He was sleek and warm, tasting slightly of the roast biff he had had for dinner. And pumpkin juice, that was decidedly pumpkin juice. Sitting on the stonefloor with someone on your lap wasn't the most comfortable of positions, but it had to do. There were only these few hours every evening that we had to ourselves. Severus was right; the absence of any supervisor was rather suspicious.

But I wondered; if his hate for me was as strong as he had claimed it to be, then why was he giving himself up like this? Why did he wear that goofy grin when I drew away and looked at him? He was a never-ending conundrum, Severus Snape.

'If you hate me, why do you let me kiss you?' I asked out of the self-destructive habit I had.

'I hate you because I let you kiss me,' answered Severus simply, and I felt my mind reel with the insanity of it all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The pale skin was smooth underneath my searching hands. I let my fingers tickle his ribs lightly. Severus drew in a breath to keep himself from laughing, or worse yet, giggle. The muscles in his stomach with his self-discipline, and I couldn't help myself from bending down and kiss it. The breath he had been holding was let out in surprise, but he quickly sucked it back in again. Who would have thought Severus this hysterically ticklish? Darting out a tongue I tasted his skin, salty with the light film of sweat covering him because of the excitement. I could feel sweat beads trail down my own back, and my forehead felt decidedly damp. All of me was burning, and I was certain Severus felt he was just as much on fire.

We had never been this close to each other or taken so much time in getting to know each other before. I knew I wanted him in all the ways I could want him, but whether I was ready was a different question entirely. Sucking lightly on the tight skin of his stomach, I refrained from going any lower and rather trailed my way all the way up to his parted lips. He was holding my shoulder with one hand, the other he had twinned into my hair, lightly massaging my scalp every time I did something he seemed to enjoy. Dark bruises were still visible on his throat as a stark contrast to all the white. Some caused by me and my rather hash treatment of him, others belonged to Rosier. His face wasn't unmarked either and a light scar marred his cheek where I had backhanded him so harshly. It still made my stomach twist in painful guilt every time I looked at it. Even a fading black eye shimmered faintly. It had been a two rather tough weeks for Severus, it seemed.

After what, according to my calculations, would have been our tenth detention together we had gone each to ours, only to turn again and meet at a different location. It hadn't been entirely planned, something that made it all the sweeter in my mind. I had made an off-handed comment that I wanted to spend a bit more time together outside of detention, but I hadn't said anything about when, how or where. We had just both decided now would have been a good time, and so we had bumped into each other again at a neutral distance from both the Gryffindor tower and the Slytherin dungeons.

Being a Marauder I naturally knew of every nook and corner in the entire castle. I remembered and incident where James, Peter and Remus and I, upon trying to escape from Filch, had stumbled upon a room on the seventh floor. It had turned out to be _quite_ interesting. Severus had not asked any questions while I led him there, but his mouth had curved slyly when a madras was revealed upon opening the door.

I didn't want to rush anything, mostly because I was quite unsure of where to start and what to do. I had never really had a boyfriend before, only causal and rather forced encounters with girls, neither which had been very serious. I didn't doubt Severus' experiences were a bit more mature than my own. If I had learned to understand Rosier's nature properly, and that wasn't all that difficult, then I felt myself coming up a bit short. Though Severus' comment the previous night had completely warped my initial interpretation of what kind of relationship the two Slytherins had.

Getting undressed had been an adventure in itself. I had never been embarrassed with my body before, but the way Severus was assessing it made me painfully aware of it in a different way. Suddenly I was nervous whether he was going to approve or not. The shy smile on his lips and the glimmer in his eyes soon soothed all my fears, however. He was as thin as I had always imagined him to be, already having seen him without a shirt at one occasion, but I was obsessed. I traced every vein, kissed every birthmark and nibbled at every scar. He had a lot of those, for being no more than sixteen years old.

But at the moment I was pressing my lips against his, feeling him underneath me while I rested on top of him, placing most of my weight on my available arm so I didn't crush him. The other hand I moved from where it was caressing his abdomen to let it stroke the black strands away from his face.

'You aren't a virgin, are you?' I asked carefully before diving down to lick his jawbone, pretending not to be too concerned with the answer. He only shook his head slightly and sighed contently when I found the right spot to kiss. I really didn't hope he was expecting too much of me.

'Are you?' he asked, letting the hand clutching my shoulder carefully stroke my upper back. Every touch of his was so light, as if he was afraid to be near me. I stopped my ministrations on his throat and held my breath for one second too long. 'It's ok,' he murmured then, twisting his head to brush his lips against my forehead. My eyes closed of their own accord at the gentleness and any worries faded.

It was far from perfect, but Severus was unimaginably patient with me. I suppose even if I was clumsy, had to be told what to do and needed Severus to introduce me to the entire idea of preparation and lubrication, and hurt him quite a bit, we both enjoyed it. In the beginning Severus was reserved and hesitant, but when he was forced to be involved because of my lack of inexperience he seemed to gain a certain confidence in himself.

His voice quivered when he told me what I needed to know, and whenever I did it correctly I was rewarded with an appreciative moan. Our lips broke into brute kisses, but there was so much more to discover, to taste and to lick, I hardly had any time to kiss him at all. His hands roamed around my entire body and became bolder and bolder when I let him do what he pleased. It was as if he couldn't get his fill of me, just like I couldn't get enough of the sight, feel and taste of him.

I was spent long before him, but he assured me this was quite ok. Taking him in my mouth was a pleasure all on its own, and I was convinced I could do this for all eternity. His hips buckled and his moans turned into delicious whines when I licked and sucked him into a climax.

Both our breaths were laboured while I snuggled him close to me, my muscles aching and the sweat cooling on my heated skin. It didn't take long before I heard his breath even out in a sleeping rhythm. It didn't take long before I followed him into dreamland with a content smile on my lips.

The fact that I had lost my virginity to Severus Snape didn't really get through to me until we met again in Advanced Potions the morning after.

When we had awakened stiff, and Severus quite sore I imagine, the next day we had both been too preoccupied with covering over our absence to be concerned with anything else. But now that I had had my shower and been bored throughout the herbiology class, it was not to be denied that a new tension existed between me and Severus. He didn't even glance in my direction when we met in the hallway, waiting to file into the classroom to start on a four hour potions class. I, on the other hand, struggled something fierce with keeping my eyes on my cauldron and off Severus. His every move seemed fascinating and reminded me of our night together. The way he deftly chopped up the ingredients, how he ground them slowly and laboriously, the way he stirred the cauldron…

Forcing my eyes away from him, I let them brush casually across the room until they met a pair of light brown ones. Remus was staring at me, but just as I returned his gaze he startled and hurried back to his own cauldron. Most peculiar.

Chopping up ginger roots and staring at something else at the same time could be quite hazardous I realized when I managed to cut my finger rather badly. Swearing under my breath I instinctively put it in my mouth, grimacing at the taste of all the rather indelicate ingredients I had been handling. After turning down the flames underneath my cauldron I hurried over to the sink to wash the wound clean. It wasn't terribly deep I noticed at inspection, but it stung an awful lot.

'He's watching you.'

Startled I looked up and found Evans standing beside me, cleaning her chopping knife in the sink. Turning around curiously I glanced at Severus, but he was busy measuring up wormjuices to add to his concoction.

'Se- Snape you mean?' I asked perplexed, he hadn't turned to look at me even once during the entire class, no matter how much I had tried to gain eye-contact with him.

'Yeah,' nodded Evans, 'he's staring at you right now.'

Turning again I still couldn't see what she meant; he was now standing with his back towards me.

'It IS Snape you're talking about, right?'

She just laughed quietly and shook her head, drying her knife thoroughly on her robesleeve.

'Of course he won't let you _see_ that he's staring. He never let the person in question notice that.' She smiled wistfully and shook her long red mane out of her face. 'He used to be the same with me. My friends were always freaked out about his staring, but every time I turned he was either engrossed in a book or busy with something else.'

'Err… you mean he was…?'

'In love with me? Yeah I think so.' Evans didn't say it in a gloating or condescending manner like I imagined most other girls would have. She might have sounded a tad bit sad, but a smile was playing on her lips.

Still, to me it seemed strange that Severus would have been in love with Evans. She was a _girl_. But maybe he liked girls and had only entertained me for that one night. Maybe I was the strange one; wanting boys. I was eager to ask more questions but Evans had already moved away from the sink and returned to her cauldron. Looking over at him, Severus was busy scrawling something in his ripped and old book with short angry lashes. He seemed annoyed at something and every movement which previously had been languid was now short and temperamental.

A loud blast suddenly echoed through the entire dungeon. Any thoughts of Severus flew out of my mind while I dived for the floor on instinct. Peering up I could see Remus waving away a huge cloud of smoke that surrounded him, his face alternating between scalded red and soot black. He looked very sheepish; his cauldron having exploded so magnificently it had nearly turned inside out. That he hadn't been hurt worse was a miracle and everyone stood staring at him in muted horror, even Slughorn. The sheepish smile on Remus face froze when his eyes turned upwards into his skull and he crashed to the floor with a thud.

James, who had shared table with Remus, was just as black in the face but had apparently been chatting with someone behind them and had avoided the worst of the blast. He had already dived down underneath the desk to check up on Remus. My limbs finally regained function and in two long strides and a jump I was already on the other side of my unconscious friend. His eyes hadn't closed entirely and I could see the whites of his eyes underneath the eyelids. Scarlet skin shimmered underneath the soot.

'How is he? Is everything alright?' asked Slughorn anxiously and peered down at us from a safer distance.

'I have no idea,' growled James, putting his hands under Remus' armpits. 'We'll be taking him to the hospital wing.'

I took a hold of his legs and together we managed to hoist him up. The boy might have been skinny, but he sure weighed his share.

'Good, good,' nodded Slughorn, 'just what I was going to suggest.'

Throwing Slughorn one last glare before I backed out of the classroom I could feel my distaste for him grow when he waved for Severus to handle Remus' cauldron.

Struggling up the stairs with Remus in between us I could vividly remember the evening when I had hastened down the same corridors with Severus in my arms. He had seemed so much lighter, but he and Remus weren't that different in build.

On our way down the corridor to the Hospital Wing James began to lose his grip on Remus and we had to stop to get a better hold of him. His head was lolling on his shoulders and I was certain we were doing more harm than good. Putting his legs back onto the floor I was just about to take a new and better grip when Remus suddenly levitated up to my waist height. Both James I and looked up startled to find Dumbledore pointing his wand at Remus. _Levi Corpus_ of course. It was so logical it hadn't even occurred to me.

Dumbledore twinkled at us before nodding in greeting.

'Err, hi Professor,' managed James, just as embarrassed as I was at our incompetence.

Remus had been lovingly taken care of by Madame Pomfrey (it was no secret to anyone she favoured him) and rested now in bed with healing salves on his face and hands. James had gotten a somewhat similar treatment, but his burns were a lot more superficial.

'It's an interesting scar you have there, James,' said Dumbledore, indicating the cut Severus had given him two nights ago. I held my breath in horror, trying to conjure up a way to cover up for Severus, but discovered soon that there was no need.

'We were fooling around at the edge of the forest professor, it was dark and I managed to get caught on a twig.'

My eyes must have revealed my surprise because Dumbledore studied me at length before returning his attention to James. Looking over his half-moon spectacles his beard twitched lightly around his mouth. Initially I thought he was trying to hold back a smile, but his eyes were completely devoid of any twinkles.

'Is that so?' asked Dumbledore in a way that made it obvious for the both of us that he wasb't believing a word. 'You should know by now that the Forest is a forbidden area James.'

James bowed his head and nodded, trying to appear as if he deserved the reprimand.

'Very well then!' said Dumbledore, finally smiling and clapping his hands together. 'I was actually just going to have a chat with Poppy, so I suggest you return to your classes. Have a good day.'

'Good day Professor,' chimed James and I in chorus before hurrying out of the Hospital Wing like our tails were on fire.

I struggled to keep up with James who was spurting down towards the dungeons again. My breath was still laboured after our struggle with Remus up the stairs, and now it seemed like James was nearly jogging down them again in order to get away from me.

'He knew what happened,' I commented while we skipped down the marble stairs in twos. 'Why didn't he confront us?'

But James didn't answer me. He jumped down the last four steps and continued with his temperamental stalk across the hall. I was sick and tired of running after him, if he wanted to be angry he could be. That didn't change the fact that I was grateful to him for backing Severus up. And I wanted to thank him.

'For Merlin's sake, James!' I called after him, my voice echoing through the hall. 'I just wanted to say thank you!'

Suddenly he stopped and turned around in a flare of robes. He could nearly have mimicked Severus' taste for dramatics in that moment. He stomped back up to me and shoved a finger in my chest, painfully.

'You don't have a clue, do you?' he growled and stabbed the finger one more time just for good measure. 'You're so blind, you can't see a thing!'

'See what?' I asked in exasperation, rubbing my chest where there would without a doubt be a bruise later on.

'That he's dangerous.' James crossed his arms over his chest and spread his legs like he always did when he was ready for a good argument. I, on the other hand, was not.

'Of course I know he is dangerous,' I answered tiredly, suddenly feeling like if all the energy had been drained out of me. 'I was there in the forest remember? But he won't do that again.'

My tone of voice must have unarmed him slightly for his scowl softened just a bit. 'What makes you so sure of that?'

'He won't.'

A trace of sadness flashed across James' face, 'oh, he will Sirius. Believe me- he will. You're nothing to him and he will drop you the second you're no longer any fun to play with.'

He must have turned to leave at some point after that, but I didn't notice. Sound was a blur in my ears and my entire vision was focused on the one lose marble floortile to my left. I didn't know what hurt me the most; that the words had come from someone I cared about, or that the words were targeted at someone I loved.

We couldn't all be perfect; we couldn't all fall in love with Evans.

It was Saturday evening and I was spending it scrubbing toilets. If I hadn't known better it would seem like they were giving up trying to find new and imaginative ways to torture us. The next two months would be hell; filled to the brim with detentions and no Severus to share them with.

A new facet had recently been added to our routine of detention, and that was Filch. Instead of leaving when the detention started with a promise to come back and check up on us, he had now spent the entire last half hour glaring at us in turn.

Severus was eyeing him nervously where he stood daintily trying not to touch the toilet while he scrubbed it.

Closing the door to my stall I climbed up on the toilet and peered over the wall and down on Severus. He had finally managed to roll up his sleeves, though his hair was still a mess in his face. It should have been impossible for him to see a thing, but the way he scrubbed the toilet he didn't really need to. He held the brush with two fingers, carefully tapping the brim of the bowl as if he was some kind of fragile princess.

The light coughing that escaped me trying to stifle my laughter at the sight of him was enough to garner his attention. The corner of his mouth turned upwards grudgingly, and I could see he was fighting with himself to refrain from smiling. I, on the other hand, had no such concerns and was beaming down at him unabashedly. Taking a hold of my brush in a sudden flash of mischief, I leaned down over the wall and shoved it into his face. Severus squealed a wonderful high pitch scream and jump backwards. The sound bounced off the walls together with my laughter as I broke down on the toilet lid, holding around my stomach in cramps.

'What in Merlin's name is going on here?' growled Filch, ripping the cubicle door open glared at me. Tears were trailing down my cheek and I was wiping at them furiously. Severus stood bent over one of the sinks scrubbing at his face furiously. The sound of his scream still echoed through my head and I couldn't help but burst into yet another round of laughter.

'That was the most perfect screaming I've ever heard Snape,' I hiccupped in between my giggles, carefully stepping down from the toilet before Filch helped me to it.

'You're so dead Black, _so_ dead!' hissed Severus from the sink, turning to glare at me through his curtain of hair. I didn't doubt for a second that he would get his revenge.

'Enough! Get back to your cleaning or I'll report this to the Headmaster!'

Still sniggering to myself I walked out of my cubicle and headed for the next one. I had maybe cleaned three already, while Severus was still on his first. Peeking out between the cracks in the door I suddenly realized why; Severus wasn't cleaning anything at all. He stood leaning up against his cubicle, seemingly talking to a disgruntled Filch. Ceasing my scrubbing I could barely hear Severus voice thrown back to me with the echo.

'I think it must have been Goyle, he's the type.'

'Type doesn't really help me much Snape, you know I can't arrest people for being "that type". If Icould I'd have you all hanging by your ankles in the dungeons by now.' Filch shook his head, the matted strands of his hair sticking to his cheek and he gave a loud sniff.

'You don't make it easy for me Filch,' murmured Severus in what I had come to know as his impatient voice. 'It was Goyle, I promise. You can take the information and do whatever you please with it.'

Turning, Severus went back to his cubicle and let Filch stand there with his own thoughts. I was just about to return to my own work, but there was something about Filch that had caught my attention. He was staring wistfully at Severus' cubicle door for maybe only a second before shaking his head again. 'Too much like his mother,' he mumbled and continued to shake his head. 'Too much of a Prince.'

Prince.

I must admit I had previously been unaware of his mother's maiden name. I had never heard of any Snape family either fullblood or wizard of any kind. I would have known if they were, being related to most of them. All this meant that Severus was a halfblood, most likely.

The Princes were only mentioned with either disgust or fear in the Black household. I had grown up to understand that compared with interest in the Dark Arts and illegal activity, the Princes beat the Blacks with a landslide. So why had Severus' mother married a muggle (or a mudblood) of all things? With these thoughts going through my mind, Andromeda and her recent scandal became a natural association. It didn't matter how pure your bloodline were apparently, one would keep on falling in love no matter what. I, of all people, really shouldn't be surprised about that.

A halfblood in Slytherin. This was most interesting. A halfblood ratting out his fellow housemen for who knew what reasons, too. How very… _Slytherin_ of him.

When I was on my sixth toilet and Severus was still on that first, I sort of understood what he was trying to achieve.

'Very well you two,' interrupted Filch suddenly. 'I'll just be heading out and checking up on something. I'll be back in a wink so don't you think it's a time to take a break!' Walking past my toilet stall he knocked heavily on the door, making it rattle on its hinges. 'That means you Black!'

I waited until I heard the loud bang of the door close behind Filch before daring to peek out. He was gone alright; Severus' plan had worked wonderfully. Walking down the aisle I found him sitting on the first toilet, looking up at me with a raised eyebrow. Oh yes, he still had some revenge to get back at me for. I smiled sheepishly, trying to unarm him with my charms, but he seemed undaunted.

'So, my Prince, you're a crafty one aren't you.' What my smile hadn't been able to achieve, the mentioning of his name did. The second eyebrow went up to join the first one before they drew into a light scowl.

'You heard that, did you?' he asked lightly, looking for all the world like he didn't care one bit. To me it was easy to see the tension in his jaw. It led me to the inevitable conclusion that something needed to be done.

'I did,' I smiled before I closed the cubicle door behind me and locking it, shutting us both inside the small space. He was still looking up at me with an expression that sent tendrils of excitement down my spine. Twinning my hands in his hair I bent down and kissed him as possessively and deeply as I could. He answered eagerly and when I drew back I might, just possibly, been imagining the sound of disappointment escaping him.

But he wasn't to be disappointed for long. Smoothly I went down on my knees in front of him, my hands positively shaking at the prospect of what I was going to do.

'What the hell are you doing?' whispered Severus hoarsely when I deftly got the robes out of the way and reached to unbuttoned his trousers.

'Helping you with that tension of yours,' I grinned slyly, feeling him already harden under my hands.

Even if I was anything but experienced I went along with it and tried to do all the things I figured I would have found nice. But with the way he was clutching my shoulders I got the feeling he was enjoying himself just as much as I was. It didn't take long before he made the throaty whines that always escaped him when he was trying to hold back his moans. I didn't doubt he would have been a very noisy lover indeed, if he just had dared to let himself go. But as it were, I had to make do with the delicious sounds of him trying to restrain himself.

With a sigh he bent over, resting his head against mine while I did my best to swallow what I could. Some still managed to spill and I was about to wipe it away with my robesleeve when he stopped me. Darting out a tongue he carefully licked the side of my mouth and chin before giving me a careful kiss on the lips, as if to ask if it was ok. To me it was more than ok, and I rested my hand on the back of his head, forcing it down so that I could thoroughly ravage his mouth as I seemed fit.

When we broke the kiss Severus was looking at me with pure excitement. I had never seen such a nude feeling on his face before. But just as we were to exchange places I could hear the handle of the door to the bathroom turn.

'No time for that I'm afraid,' I whispered, not entirely able to keep the disappointment out of my voice. Severus seemed positively thunderous glaring at the door before pointing down at the floor. I stared at him with a quizzical expression, but he only raised his eyebrow in a manner that clearly questioned my intelligence. Diving down I finally understood what he meant, and I began to carefully crawl under the cubicle walls.

'Snape!' boomed Filch's voice and he began opening stall doors in order to locate him. Severus brushed his hair away from his face and stepped out to confront Filch just before he banged open the door to the cubicle I was hiding in.

'You were right! It _was_ Goyle!'

'Obviously,' drawled Severus, 'I was there.'

'You were?' quacked Filch in surprise. 'Why didn't you report him?'

'And bereave you of the opportunity to catch him? Never.'


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The scrubbing of my brush against the porcelain toilet made a lonely sound. The sweat on my back from the hard work had made my shirt cold and damp. Both my arms were stiff from the repetitive movements and my back hurt from bending over. Carefully I stood up, feeling my spine protest loudly. Stretching out in a languid movement, my neck popped wonderfully and I could finally move it properly again. It was the last stall and a sense of accomplishment washed over me when I stepped out of it. Severus was sitting on the floor leafing through a book and noting down a few things in the margin here and there. Upon exiting the cubicle Filch looked up at me like he just now had noticed that I was there. Fishing out a pocket watch he squinted at it in the muted light and sniffed once or twice.

'Ehherm…' he coughed from the back of his throat before sniffing again and swallowing. Both the sounds made me force back a gag of disgust. 'It's passed ten; I guess you two are free to leave.'

Throwing the brush away from me and into the bucket standing by Filch's feet I headed for the doors without looking back. My joints were still stiff making my walk quite awkward and behind my right eye throbbed a murdering headache. Reaching up a hand I carefully massaged my temple with the index and forefinger. I wasn't used to headaches and wondered where all this was coming from. There had to be only so much space available for thoughts in my head, and I was nearing my limit.

The sun had set a long time ago, but the moon shone high and bright and made the darkness of the night sky velvet blue. A sudden silence had welled up inside me, a calm so complete it should have had me worried. Jumping up on the still in front of one of the tall windows lining the corridor I settled down to wait for Severus to catch up with me. The wait didn't last for long. He came walking down towards me with his head bent, the hair obscuring his face but still watchful. He had a strange walk; placing one foot directly in front of the other. It made his robes billow around his lithe body in a peculiarly dramatic way.

I knew he had seen me, but he pretended as if he hadn't. Staring at him while he proceeded to walk right pass me, I couldn't help but feel the corners of my mouth twist.

'Are you trying to make me angry?' I ask quietly, silently. As silently as I felt inside. He stopped, turned around and raised his head. His eyes were as bottomless as the darkness outside, but less light shone in them. A slight quirk of his head was all the warning he gave, and all the warning I needed, before I threw myself to the floor while a hex crashed with the window and reflected. I fumbled for my own wand, getting up on my feet again and darted towards him headfirst. To my great surprise I managed to dodge his next curse, giving me enough time to drag my own wand and send one flying. The fact that I was in motion made any aim impossible and I missed quite spectacularly, but I was also near on having him caught.

Throwing the bag to the floor he skipped to the left and ran past me faster than I had time to skid to a halt and stop myself. A curse sizzled by my ear, directly followed by another. I blocked it, feeling my previous smile turn into a grin. Jinxes, hexes and curses. They flew around us, not one hitting its target. Severus threw them darker and more powerful, chips of the stonework falling to the floor.

Dark Arts. I knew every spell he threw and it made me angry that he dared to point his wand at me and utter those words with the lips I had just kissed. I threw them back; because I could. To scare him perhaps, to show that I was not as innocent as he might believe. But a smile turned bigger and bigger on his face for every curse I threw.

'_Crucio_!'

He didn't dodge. It hit, sending him crashing into the wall almost as if in slow motion.

'Amazing,' he whispered satisfied while getting up, the smile still there. 'I knew you could.'

My heart stopped cold in my chest.

'I don't appreciate you playing games with me.'

'Isn't everything a game?'

'Do I look like fucking Filch to you?!'

I turned around and shoved him once more. I had already pushed him about to make my anger clear, but he still acted as if he had won some sort of discussion or argument. I took a hold of his hair to force him to look at me, and his smile finally subsided slightly.

'You don't play games with me and you don't manipulate me, is this understood?'

Severus' eyes narrowed and his lips thinned while he searched my face to see whether I really was angry or just acting.

'Understood?' I pressed again, tightening the grip on his hair.

'… Understood.'

I tried to smile again, just because I hated to scare him and felt a need to pacify him. Leaning down I kissed him, our teeth bumping painfully but neither of us caring much.

Every emotion possible was conflicting inside me; I felt burning rage and the deepest remorse at the same time. Severus had meant to goad me, to see how far he could take me, and I had let myself be played. I had thrown an unforgivable at him, and that was… unforgivable. Hugging him tightly to me I could feel him burry his face in my chest, and my heart ached painfully. Why? What had he wanted to prove? To see whether I really could hurt him if he took it too far? Or was there something even more sinister than that…

'Baby, how could you make me do something like that to you?' I whispered quietly in his ear, twirling a strand of black hair between my fingers, resting my chin on the top of his head.

'I didn't make you do anything,' answered Severus, his reply muffled by my robes, 'you did it all on your own.' Slowly untangling himself from the embrace he looked up at me, the shrewd smile still big on his face. 'Who would have thought you powerful enough for an unforgivable, albeit quite a weak one.'

Pushing away from him I leaned up against the wall, my legs shaky. The enormity of what I had done washed over me. An unforgivable, there is no way I could have thrown such a curse and not be detected by the wards, or the Ministry itself. And with my history, I was as good as sentenced to Azkaban already. The sickness was overwhelming and I had to clasp my hand in front of my mouth in order to not throw up all over the floor. Severus watched me quietly in that measuring way. Like I was an experimental ingredient and he was wondered what it would turn into. Fucking Merlin how could I ever have let him fool me in such a way?

There was not enough oxygen in the room. I tried gulping it down, but it just wouldn't reach my lungs. A haze obscured my sight and I could feel my knees give after while I struggled to breathe through my panic. A pair of cold hands suddenly rested against my cheeks and held my head up.

'Calm down Sirius,' said Severus in an uncharacteristically reassuring voice, softly brushing his lips against mine. 'We can fix this.'

I startled when he reached into my robes and pulled out my wand. Magically he conjured up his own in the peculiar way he fancied. Still leaning against the wall for support I watched while he put their tips against each other and murmured a spell I had never heard before. A black ribbon got forced out of my wand, twirling around Severus' before binding itself tightly to it. His brow was furrowed and his hands shook slightly, like holding the two wands together was labrous work. The ribbon had eventually left my wand entirely and became liquidized, seeping into the woodwork of Severus' already dark wand.

Twirling my wand lightly in his hand he continued to mutter a long string of elementary spells such as lumos and a few random jinxes.

'There you go,' he said with a rare, kind smile. 'The history of your wand has been erased. Of course, this will not erase any history written down at the Ministry, but this way they won't have any proof. Quite… what do they say… neat? Yes? Very neat. I made it myself.'

'I… but. What- what did you do?' Something so simple couldn't possibly help me out of a situation of this caliber.

'I merely moved the history of your wand to my own,' he shrugged casually and threw a lint removing spell on his robes. 'Not that they are going to find it, of course. Besides, I doubt they are going to search into it very seriously. Mostly they let whatever goes on at Hogwarts remain Hogwarts business. I would be surprised if they check the records more than a few times a month, if at all. The wards are so powerful and old they might not even have any records at all because it's impossible for them to track any spells anyway.'

'You sound so terribly certain,' I said, my voice still shaking embarrassingly.

'Black, please, you think I know the amount of Dark Arts I do merely by reading about it? If they really checked the logs they would have had me towed into Azkaban in first year.'

'But the wards… Dumbledore will know…'

Severus merely shrugged his shoulders again and handed me my wand. 'There's little I can do about that. Let's just hope you're still his favourite pet and that he will spare you. _Again._'

Moving slowly away from the wall I tested my legs. They were steady enough, now. My lapse of judgment in front of Severus had been quite embarrassing, but really, it hadn't been without reason. Reaching out my hand I caressed his cheek lightly, loving the feeling of him leaning into my touch.

'So you're still angry about what happened at the Shrieking Shack?'

'Of course I am. I don't have a habit of forgiving a murder attempt easily.'

And how easy wouldn't it have been for him to get his revenge.

Initially I had thought about going to Dumbledore with the entire story myself. If he was to find out it would definitely look better if I had reported myself first, pretending to be confused and repentant. Something I actually _was_, but buttering it up a bit had never hurt my case any. The next day come and went, however, and my desire to talk to him faded.

Sunday was an eventless day in and of itself, and not only did I spend most of the morning waiting for McGonagall to tell me to report to the Headmaster's office, it was also a Hogsmeade weekend. I had been denied any visit to Hogsmeade at all that year, which hadn't really worried me to begin with, what with the Marauder's map and James' invisibility cloak and all, but of course that was off limit now.

When afternoon descended and the castle finally got emptied for everyone except me and the classes up to third year, I watched the last students disappear through the gates. Thankfully there were no detentions that evening, though I wasn't entirely certain this was something I was happy about.

I had asked Severus to stay behind with me, but he had said he had business in Hogsmeade and could not afford dillydallying with me an entire day. He had walked off with Rosier and the others without even looking back once. Now I was at a loss as to what to do with my time. Sure, I had plenty of homework that needed to be done, but Saturdays really weren't meant for homework.

Standing on the front steps with my hands in my pockets and my robes being abused by the never ceasing wind, I pondered whether I could transfigure into my animagus and go through the Shrieking Shack. But then I wouldn't be able to do anything anyway, since there were no one there willing to cover for me. Sighing, I kicked a pebble off the stairs and was about to head back in again when a hand on my shoulder made me startle violently.

'Oh, I am sorry Sirius; I didn't mean to scare you.' Dumbledore was twinkling in the sunshine and smiled down at me from his considerable height. The breath I had been meaning to let out sucked back in and I could feel my eyes grow big at the sight of him.

Shit, shit, shit.

'Err… good afternoon Headmaster,' I finally muttered through clenched teeth while trying to make my snarl into a charming smile. The way Dumbledore raised his eyebrows at me made me doubt my success in this charade.

'Hmm, I thought we could have a little chat, you and I, now that we have the castle more or less to ourselves.'

'A chat? Oh… don't you have a lot of work to do? I mean being Headmaster must really be a tough job. Please don't let me take up your time Professor Dumbledore, I mean really. I am all fine and dandy. …have a lot of homework to catch up on in fact! I suppose we must have this chat another time then, oh well! Have a good day Headmaster!'

I turned around and was about to step away in a hurry when the hand on my shoulder tightened its grip. Stopping hesitantly I peered up at him in order to judge whether he was angry or not. The sun reflected in his glasses, making it impossible to see if his eyes twinkled.

'As I said, let's have a chat.'

Using the unexpectedly strong hand on my shoulder to turn me around and guide me down the steps, we were soon walking in a leisurely pace down the school grounds. I didn't doubt I was in great trouble, but the frazzled voice of reason in the back of my head kept on reminding me that if he wanted to expel me he wouldn't do it while we took a stroll around the school. Panic still pushed itself to the front, and made my reasoning seem ridiculous in the face of destruction.

The hand which had been clamped down on my shoulder loosened its grip and became a more friendly hold. Squinting my eyes against the sun I looked up at him once more, but he was facing away from me, seemingly deep in thought.

'Headmaster?' I asked timidly. He didn't respond, only let the sides of his mouth quirk upward in what I presumed was a smile. Maybe the blow he was about to deal me was so severe he thought he had to sugar-coat it for me not to flip out completely?

We walked a long time in silence. Around the castle, the Great Lake, past Hagrid's hut and down to the gates before we headed back to the western court yard again. I had just started to believe that Dumbledore had merely wanted a companion on his walk when he motioned for me to sit down on one of the benches there. Doing his bidding quietly, I felt like jumping up again when he sat down beside me.

'Last night the wards on the Castle told me something quite grave,' began Dumbledore before pausing to look at me. My mouth was hanging open, as it was wont to do, and I shut it again quickly. 'Looking further into it I discovered that it happened just after your and Snape's detention with Filch, and furthermore, that this worrying thing had come from Snape's wand. Do you know what I found?'

I didn't feel like either shaking my head to deny it or nod to acknowledge it, and merely just stared at him some more.

'I found that an Unforgivable had been thrown, and by Severus no less. When I questioned him about this a bit earlier today, he eventually confessed that he had used it on you last evening. Now, I very rarely judge a situation on the witness of just one person, so I was hoping you could tell me your version of the story?'

The mouth I had just closed fell open again and my mind was nothing but a loud buzz for the longest time. Severus had been willing to take the blame for my Unforgivable and face expulsion, the loss of his wand and possibly Azkaban?

The enormity of the situation was nearly knocking me flat against the ground and I held the seat of the bench so tightly the joints of my fingers were turning white. Severus had known already last night that by using the spell to switch the wands' history he might be faced with the blame.

I shook my head violently in protest. 'Headmaster no, Severus did _not_ cast the unforgivable… _I_ did.'

Dumbledore stared at me in surprise and the adrenaline was rushing so fast through me, my entire body was shaking with it. My teeth clattered against the strain of clenching them together.

'My boy,' he finally said with a sad smile, 'you will gain nothing for covering him. I know that you might feel-'

'NO!' I yelled, jumping up from the bench and turning towards Dumbledore, a finger shaking as I pointed it at him. A fear stronger than facing my own expulsion was hovering over me and that was for Severus' to have his wand broken on my account. 'You must _listen_. Severus did not throw the Crucio; I did. I did! I!'

The finger which I had previously pointed at Dumbledore I was now using to jab at my own chest, underlining what I was trying to convey to him. Rising from the seat Dumbledore reached both his hands out to me, but I backed away. I could not afford being mollified until I had managed to convince him of the actual truth.

'Please Headmaster,' I pleaded nearly crying again, 'I don't know why he would do such a thing, but he's lying._ I_ threw the Crucio, I promise you. He used a spell, I have never heard of it but he told me he had made it himself, to paste the history of my wand onto his own. You must know, somehow, it must be written somewhere, that it was my wand!'

'Calm down Sirius, calm _down_,' said Dumbledore silently, albeit strongly, ceasing to reach after me. 'I will listen to you, but you have to calm down and explain everything to me.'

Taking a few gulps of air I brushed angrily at the few tears that had managed to spill from my eyes. I blamed the wind for that. Slowly, I began telling the story the way it had transpired, of course omitting a few dark art curses both thrown by Severus and myself.

'- he seemed quite certain that he would get away with it. Or at least he pretended to be quite certain.'

I had my hands in my pockets again while I stood in front of the Headmaster, trying to look at everything around me except him. He had sat down when I began telling the story and folded his hands, contemplating everything he had heard. The wind was still making my eyes tear up, and I rubbed at my face angrily, feeling my cheeks getting sore and irritated.

'Sirius, let me tell you a story about a man I once knew,' said Dumbledore, avoiding my gaze as much as I was avoiding his. 'There was a man I once knew, who got acquainted with another young man who had just moved in with his aunt. She lived just across the street from the first man, so they became neighbours. They were both quite similar in mind, and my friend, let us call him Edward, fell quite in love with his new acquaintance.

'They spent every day together, arguing and discussing, plotting and generally just enjoying being young, but what Edward did not realize was that his new friend was not a kind man. Edward was so in love that everything his friend did seemed genius, even if there was a voice in the back of his mind that kept nagging at him. Telling him that what they were doing was wrong.

'Edward's younger brother had seen how this friend affected him, and tried to warn him before he was entirely lost. This evolved into a huge argument between the three of them and it all ended with the death of Edward's sister. Not until then did he finally understand what kind of man it was he had fallen in love with…'

A silence elapsed after his voice trailed away and Dumbledore twined his thumbs restlessly. The wind twirled the leaves in small circles across the ground.

'You might wonder why I tell you this story,' continued Dumbledore, finally looking up at me from above the rims of his half-moon glasses. 'The moral is that you must be careful with whom you choose to give your heart to, because not everyone might have the same intentions as yourself.'

'Professor… if you think that I am doing this because… because I'm in love then you're wrong. If you think I am covering for Severus because of that… Well it's not true. He covered for me, and I don't know why.' Dumbledore was about to open his mouth to speak, but I raised my hand to stop him. 'If you expel Severus because of something I did… I'll die. I'll never be able to live with that. It might be difficult for you to understand that I cast such a curse, but I did, and I am willing to take the consequences of it.'

'I see…' muttered Dumbledore at length and stroked his beard in contemplation. 'Let me summarize this to see if I have gotten it correctly: You and Severus are in a duel, which he initiated, where you both throw heavy curses at each other and you eventually end it with a cruciatus. Severus then proceeds to cast a spell, which he says he crafted himself, on both your wands that let the most recent history of one wand transfer to the other in order to cover up your tracks. When I go to him and ask about what happened he takes the blame, but when I later question you, you swear to have done it.' Dumbledore tightened his lips and nodded solemnly, his light blue eyes darkening peculiarly. 'Severus must either care for you deeply, or have enough trust in your pride that you would never let him take the blame.'

'And is the first so difficult to believe?' I whispered, tightening the fists I was hiding in my pocket. 'Are you really so desperate to make him the scapegoat you're willing to pretend that what I say, I say merely because I am in love? Perhaps Severus is your Edward, and _I_ am the evil acquaintance? Did _that_ ever cross your mind? I threw an unforgivable at him, and he still preserves to take the blame for it! NOW WHO IS YOUR VILLAIN?'

The last I nearly screamed right into his face while tears yet again trailed treacherously down my face, my fists somehow leaving the pockets to clench threateningly at my side. I could feel the blush high on my cheeks and the heath of both anger and embarrassment of what I had been screaming all over the courtyard burned hot. My face must have been twisted, because I could feel the muscles ache. Taking yet another breath I straightened my back and looked stiffly another way. No matter what I said or did, something horrible would be the result, but I would be damned if Severus took the blame. He might just have been sly enough to believe he could get away with it and that my Gryffindor pride would never let him take the blame, but I would never break what trust he had in me, even if it was for his own gains.

I would never betray him.

Dumbledore finally reached out to hold my hand, but I drew it back to hide it behind my back. He hesitated only for a second before redrawing the request for physical closeness and I regretted my action when I saw the sadness in his eyes.

'Headmaster…' I didn't know what to say, it felt as if I had said everything that needed to be said, and all I could do was repeat myself. 'Why does everyone seem so adamant that I break my… relationship, I suppose one can call it, with Severus? Is it because we're from different houses, is that it? I mean… it's not like I am going to disappear from the face of the earth just because I spend a few hours during the evenings with him. Even Evans warned me! I mean, they used to be best friends and all… what kind of friend is that to have…?'

No, I would never betray Severus, not like everyone else.

'Those are some good and honest questions Sirius, you really have grown up a great deal during the last weeks, I must say.' Dumbledore nodded again and smiled brightly for the first time and patted the seat beside him. Still regretting my distance from him earlier I sat down silently, kicking a few more pebbles across the yard. 'I suppose I shall be brutally honest with you now, since you have been with me.'

The seriousness in his voice made my interest peak, but I still refrained from looking at him, rather staring at the patterns I made with the tip of my boot on the earth atop the flagstones.

'I don't think you would really have trusted Severus like you do now, before you got to know him. Without a doubt you know a different Severus than anyone else does. He has a peculiar habit of changing characteristics depending on whom he is talking to, and I don't doubt you have seen a more affectionate Severus then I ever have. I know about what transpired between Lily and Severus, and it was a sad story indeed. She came to me crying many times since she believed she was not being a good enough friend, and she was despairing because he fell further and further into the Dark Arts and there was nothing she could do. I told her then, as I tell you now, that one can't change another person. One can only choose to stand them by through their good and their bad, but sometimes, if one is not very careful, one will end up losing oneself. Then it is better to take a step back, and rather tell them that you will be there for them when they come back. Because like that you will be able to keep your strength and they will have to face their own choices. Severus is the sort of person you can easily lose yourself in because he is so intense. I have reason to believe you never threw a Dark Arts curse before you befriended him, am I right?'

The insinuation made me want to jump up from the bench in rage, but I stayed where I was. If I wanted to get anywhere in this conversation I had to act like an adult for once.

'I still hate the Dark Arts,' I ground out between clenched teeth. 'I will _always_ hate the Dark Arts. And no, before you ask, Severus did _not_ teach me, what I know I learned by growing up in a family obsessed with the filth. Yes he might have goaded me into a fight and provoked me, but I will NOT under ANY circumstances blame him for MY choice of curse. That was _my_ fault and _my_ weakness.'

Another silence fell between us, and I could faintly hear voices in the distance. Were they really returning already? The time must have fled faster than I had thought. The chill of the afternoon was finally reaching my bones and I hid inside my robes, wishing I had brought my cloak.

'I suppose I must have been wrong after all then,' murmured Dumbledore after a while. 'I staged these detentions in order for you and Severus to get to know each other, which you did, and I had hoped that you in some way would include Severus in your life and be a good influence to him. I thought for a long while that it had backfired and that he had become a bad influence on you instead, but hearing you speak today makes me believe that you are stronger than that.'

So, Severus had been right in his paranoia after all; the detentions had actually been staged. And lately Dumbledore had thought that Severus had been trying to lure me into becoming a Death Eater or something just as absurd, and suddenly we have the detentions supervised.

'But how can you blame me? Or any of us, really. There have been more than just me worrying about the two of you. Suddenly you start ignoring the Quidditch team, and more importantly, your friends, entirely-'

'Now wait a minute, they ignored _me_,' I jabbed a finger in my chest once more, 'not the other way around. First you put me on detention every night of the week and still think I will be able to do my homework AND have time for Quidditch practice? I hardly think any of that is fair. Besides, James, my _friend_, kicked me off the team. Hardly a reason to keep on being chummy with him.'

The continuing chat agitated me; I was more concerned about what was going to happen concerning my expulsion. Dumbledore seemed to have understood my squirming and he petted me heavily on the shoulder.

'I am not entirely sure what's going to happen forward from here. I will have to discuss it with Professor McGonagall, and I believe I need some heavy thinking on the subject. But don't stress yourself too much Sirius, or let all this get in the way of your studying.'

Together we got up from the bench and headed back into the castle, where Dumbledore disappeared up the marble staircases and I got caught up in the chaos of all the returning students.

I had just been about to force my way through the throng of chattering and excited people when I felt a familiar hand in my own. It was cold and slim, but tugged me insistently towards the marble staircase and I followed without hesitation.

We skipped up the staircases as fast as we could without pushing too many people over and gain attention. Everything was a blur of black robes, cloaks, candy bags and chattering youths who had eaten too much sugar. Finally we broke into a more deserted corridor and while I had my mind set on the classroom not much further down, Severus seemed too impatient for that and simply vanished into the wall. I stood a few seconds just staring at the stonework before a hand materialized and grabbed a hold of my front robes and dragged me in after it.

'Hey, hey-'

My greeting was stopped short by a pair of eager lips crushing my own and hands digging into my shoulder and back. It was impossible to stop the moan from escaping and my entire body melted into him. I was crushing him as tightly to me as I dared while we kissed, so hard in fact I was certain I nearly popped one of his shoulders, but he didn't complain or move away.

When we finally broke apart I kept holding him and kissing his lips, his eyebrows and his forehead. He was still cold from the walk up from Hogsmeade in the windy weather and his cheeks burned a passionate red.

'You're so stupid, baby, so damn stupid,' I murmured and I brushed my lips against his. 'How could you do something so stupid? What if they had believed you? You'd been expelled or worse. So foolish.'

Severus merely shook his head and gave me a chaste kiss before finally pulling away. My entire body ached to keep on crushing him, but I let him get some air.

'Actually…' said Severus quietly before hesitating again. Leaning against the wall he chewed on the nail of his thumb and looked quite innocent hadn't it been for the uncertain and shifty look in his eyes. 'Actually, you're going to be very angry with me again now, I had meant for you to be expelled.'

There was a few seconds where I could have sworn that the ground disappeared from underneath my feet and I fell forever.

'_What?_'


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

'_What?'_ I hissed hoarsely as my mind refused to compute the information just given to me. 'You said _what?_'

Severus was staring at my chest, his hands nervously clenching and unclenching into fists. He was scared, that much I understood, and I had a feeling it had something to do with what he had just told me, but I couldn't for the life of me make a meaning out of it through the loud rush in my ears. He had _wanted_ me to get expelled? It was completely incomprehensible.

Relaxing his right hand he reached it up to trace my collar or cheek, I didn't know, but I caught his wrist and halted his motion.

'Please, _what?_' I asked again, trying to seem more patient then I really was. The silence in my voice seemed to worry him more than what my usual lapse of temper did and he tried to retract his hand, but I held firm. 'Severus?'

A shy smile played on his lips and he looked at me in that peculiar sideways manner which always sent butterflies to my stomach. 'I bought you chocolate in Hogsmeade?' he said, phrasing it as a question, as if he tried to figure out if this was what I wanted to hear.

'You said you had meant for me to get expelled,' I ground out. Uttering the words myself made the realisation dawn on me slowly and horribly. The smile faded from Severus' lips and he looked down on the floor. His mouth moved silently while he tried to rephrase himself or dig up some excuse, eventually he gave up and merely shrugged his shoulders. A knot had formed in my stomach; Severus never lacked words. The silence was long and tense but I finally let go of his wrist. He immediately pulled it to his chest, his eyes shifting restlessly while he thought everything through. No doubt he was analyzing the situation, sorting through all the lies he could tell and ways he could escape. Strange that he was ignorant of the fact that he didn't have to lie to get away from me, he could just say the word. I felt strangely powerless watching him in his own thoughts, knowing that he could hurt me as badly as he wanted and I would still feel my heart flutter whenever I caught a glimpse of him. 'Why had you meant for me to get expelled?' I asked. It was a stupid question since I easily could imagine the answer. But his face froze and he darted his gaze up to my eyes in a way that made me feel like I had finally asked a question he knew the answer to.

'I wanted to see if I could.'

His voice rang cold in the small space. My mind reeled strangely and I wondered idly where the illumination came from. Looking up to the ceiling it appeared as if there must once upon a time have been thrown some sort of illumination charm, probably during a secret tryst between two lovers. Or perhaps Severus had thrown it before I entered, who knew.

'Sirius?' The mention of my name made my mind snap uncomfortably back onto the topic of the hurtful words. Everything was muddled again and I could barely sort through the variety of feelings that conflicted in me. Anger and hurt was the most prominent, but because of the onslaught of information I was unable to react in any other way than to stare at him.

Finally, somewhere in the chaos that ruled me, I found the feeling which was the easiest to deal with; my hurt pride. I had been fooled around, toyed with like a mouse the cat couldn't be bothered to eat. I could feel my lips draw back from my teeth in a snarl, and without thinking I reached out my hand to take a grab of Severus's robes, but stopped mid motion. He had flinched away from me, turning his face away as if to protect it from whatever anger I was about to release on him. It was a practiced motion, as if he had waited for this. His entire body was tense as he waited with his hand in front of his face and his eyes shut tightly. I let my arm fall down limply by my side and took a step backwards. The fact that Severus had expected me to hurt him, to punish him for what he had done, sickened me more than any other previous realization. I was not Rosier, I had promised him I wouldn't be, to never hurt him, and there he stood expecting me to hit him. Again.

'You do realize this is not a game?' I whispered, my conversation with Dumbledore untimely seeping back into my memory. _Either he had cared deeply for me to take the blame, or then he had known I would never let him take it._

Severus carefully removed his hand from his face and opened his eyes to look at me from underneath his lidded gaze. 'Everything is a game Black.' It was the cold, measured tone of voice he had always used against me previously. It dripped with acid and venom. He stared at me as if he could see right through me, judging my every motion, reading every frown on my face.

'But what if Dumbledore had not come to me for a second witness?' I asked, trying to find a flaw in his plan, mapping back our time together and analyzing every word and kiss given. He had seemed sincere, I _knew_ he had been.

'One can only play as high as the stakes given,' murmured Severus and finally let his ice cold gaze falter. 'So what do you choose?'

'Choose?' I echoed and the resentment I felt for the word was impossible to hide in my tight voice. I thought it had been obvious who I had "chosen", though it had never been my meaning to choose anything.

'Yes, who do you choose; me or them?' asked Severus in a low voice as he advanced on me. His coal black eyes widened as he searched my face. It was like he finally came to a realization. In a sudden rush he pushed passed me and disappeared through the wall. For a few seconds I only stood there dumbfounded, staring in the darkness. The light had followed Severus. By the time I stepped out of the hiding place he had already disappeared, and it would be impossible to follow him. Mostly because I didn't want to.

As far as I could figure out, there were three different Severuses; the playful and shrewd, the loving and obedient, the dangerous and cruel. Perhaps there were even more, but I hadn't seen much of them. It was as Dumbledore had said; no one really knew Severus because he was a different person with everyone. I understood a bit more now about how Evans could have gotten scared away. She knew one person, but he had gradually changed, gradually become someone else she didn't know. But then again, they were all Severus in a way.

A game. It had all been a game to him. Could I really have expected anything else?

I was standing at the top of the marble staircase looking down at the grand hall. How many times would I be cleaning _that_ floor with a toothbrush the coming year? It was all to teach me a lesson of course, and man had I learned it alright. Don't try to kill your enemies with your best friend.

I took a hesitant step down.

Perhaps... perhaps the reason I had come to care so much for Severus was because in every way... he was just like me?

Another step, for some reason my legs felt like lead.

Playful and shrewd... loving and obedient, well I was more loyal than obedient, really... but dangerous and cruel_. "You hurt people without even a second thought."_ Wasn't that what Remus had told me while in tears just a few days ago?

They were so heavy I could barely lift them to thump down yet another step. How many times hadn't I run down these stairs?

Would I have become what he is, if I had chosen Slytherin after all? But then again, perhaps I already was.

Step by step, I snailed down the stairs. I didn't know why I was going down them; I must have had a notion that I needed fresh air. To clear my mind and to understand.

To choose.

To choose what? Someone who wanted me expelled, who wanted me dead, someone I loved in a ridiculously self-destructing manner. The last thought was just too mature to be my own; perhaps I was finally waking from my slumber. There was a lot of perhaps tonight, too many questions I probably would never get an answer on. Not until they had driven me mad.

When I sat down heavily I let out a long winded breath. Resting my elbows on my knees I leaned forward, the cool of the marble sneaking through my clothes almost as a relief. I could hear footsteps closing in from the bottom of the staircase, but I didn't really care. They were not ones I recognized, and the person would most probably just pass me by with a weird stare. Hardly even that, most probably.

The steps closing in were furiously measured and slow, and I felt myself grow curious against my own will. Why couldn't the person just hurry on up and leave me to my own misery?

Finally they were just in front of me, but then they stopped. A long silence followed in which I tried quite desperately not to look up to see who it was.

But of course, my own curiosity would always win and I eventually raised my head to throw an uncaring glare in the person's general direction. Of all the people I could have imagined, the one standing there was perhaps the last one I had wanted to see. With the exclusion of my mother, of course. Or then again, maybe not.

The light blonde male had his hands in his pockets, resting elegantly in contra post and an unlit cigarette dangling from his mouth. At the end of his long legs shone his boots of expensive dragon hide and it seemed as if the cotton in the school uniform shirt had been replaced by silk. His casualness was one of arrogance and he reminded me in that moment so much of James I nearly blanched. With one slightly raised eyebrow he looked down at me as if something humoured him greatly.

'Well, I can't say I am all that surprised to-'

'Oh shut the fuck up!' I growled and got up to my feet. 'I am so sick and tired of all you people! Yes I have heard it before!'

Rosier's calculated elegance broke and he took a surprised step down and away from me. With long fingers, that had never seen physical labour in his entire life, he removed the cigarette from his lips while green eyes narrowed.

'What in Slytherin's name are you on about?' he hissed dangerously. 'I'm sorry but I don't speak retard.'

What an ass.

I had turned away from him and was angrily stomping my way up the marble staircase, gesticulating wildly while I talked.

'You- _YOU_ people. I am sick off you! Your wise words, your threats, your bloody _warnings_! Yes I know Severus is no good, yes I know he is a bad influence, yes I know he could never do anything for the good of anyone else. YES I KNOW- ARE YOU HAPPY?!'

The last I screamed at the top of my lungs, silencing myself abruptly as the armour at the top of the staircase rattled dangerously. Adolescent magic.

'What did that little monster do to you?' asked Rosier in a horrifyingly calm voice that rang loud in the silence following my outburst. I couldn't help but turn around and look at him. His green eyes glittered while his mouth curved at the corners; he looked as if he was fascinated against his own will. With some effort I managed to turn away again in disgust and was about to continue my way up the staircase, intent on ignoring him.

'Did he perhaps cheat on you?' Rosier asked again. A deceiving calmness in which I could hear his voice vibrate with the effort of keeping it under control. 'Did he perhaps cheat on you with a despicable little _BLOOD TRAITOR_?!'

I whirled around, my eyes big as saucers in my head as I looked down on him, his pretty face disfigured into pure rage. His hands were knotted into fists and I could see the remnants of the tobacco in his cigarette dust away and onto the floor. Rosier was on his way up the staircase and towards me, but my legs had inconveniently stopped working.

He was taller than I had believed when he towered over me; his otherwise green eyes turning dark, his pale lips white as he snarled at me.

'Don't say I didn't warn you, don't say I didn't tell you. But did you care? Oh no, a Gryffindor will take what the hell he wants won't he?' His dangerous snarl suddenly turned into a sick grin and what presumably could be interpreted as laughter barked out of him. 'But he got burned well didn't he, the little _blood traitor_? You can't play with other's toys if you don't know how to handle them.'

Of all the things he had spat in my face, only one word really stuck in my brain as important: "toy". My limbs suddenly loosened somewhat, and the horrified expression on my face turned into one of anger.

'Don't you _dare_ call Severus a toy in front of me.'

Rosier's eyes widened horrifyingly, but not in surprise. I was dead certain he was about to drag his wand, but instead he cracked his neck like a common muggle.

'Apparently civilized talk won't make you see reason, so I suppose this will have to be solved the only way you will understand.'

The last thing I saw before pain became my world was his fist closing in on my face. He hit me right on the nose and I could have sworn the crack it made echoed through the hall. A sensation of falling was all I could register before everything turned black.

I don't know how long I had been out of it, but the first thing I saw upon awakening was blood. A pool had gathered around my head and I could feel the metallic taste of it had seeping into my mouth. The second thing I registered was excruciating pain. It felt like my entire skull had been cracked open, and as I carefully tried to lift my head off the stair I had to give it an extra tug where my hair had gotten stuck in the dried blood. The pain was so that I forgot to breathe, only focusing on staying conscious. I must have hit my head on the staircase when I fell, but I couldn't really remember _why_ I had fallen. Reaching up for the rail I carefully and slowly managed to pull myself up into a more or less standing position. There were only about three more steps left and I would be at the top, but the long way to the infirmary seemed impossible.

Tears were streaming down my face, feeling like icicles on my burning and swollen skin. Slowly I managed to find my way down the hallway, my breath unexpectedly short. It must have been beaten quite forcefully out of me. The worst was not really the pain or my lack of breath, but the unexplainable sleepiness I was feeling. It made everything into doubles and the distance just seemed even longer.

I can't remember how I managed to reach the hospital wing, but I did and that without falling asleep. I wasn't aware what it meant at the time, all I was that that I ought not do as my body bade me and fall asleep.

While sitting on the hospital bed and letting Madame Pomfrey fuss over my wounds I tried to remember what had happened. For every wound she healed, a new one made itself known. Because of the excruciating pain in the head, I had forgotten about my broken nose. When they both had been somewhat healed the reason why I could not breathe was finally revealed by three big bruises on my ribs and stomach.

Upon asking me, I had to explain that I couldn't for the life of me remember what had happened. At first I thought she would not believe me, but she only nodded and told me to take a potion that would help me stay awake through the night.

Finally left alone to get some rest I could feel the potion work through my system, forcing me to stay awake even if I felt sleepy. I was unaware of what time it was, but it had already darkened completely outside so I supposed it was late in the evening.

To break my nose and bruise my ribs so badly I must have fallen down quite a lot of steps, but I couldn't remember seeing blood anywhere but on the step my head had rested. And I had been nearly at the top.

The night was long and agitating since sleep was not an option. There was nothing there to entertain me. Pomfrey had probably gone back to sleep, _if _she slept, I really wasn't sure if she did. Through the long hours I could remember broken pictures from my conversation with Severus. I knew that must have been just before I fell, but it was difficult to imagine that Severus had anything to do with my wounds.

My head itched underneath the bandage, but I had gotten a stern reminder not to scratch it no matter how bad it was. She had put some kind of healing lotion on it that would help my wound's progress. It was a dangerous crack she had told me, and I should have been happy I had awoken at all. I had seen worry in her eyes for the first time that night, and when she walked away she muttered something about St. Mungos in the morning.

Luckily there was no need for that. Pomfrey came to see me every hour at the dot through the night, and even if it was impossible for me to fall asleep, my body still shut down of exhaustion, forcing me to lie like a dead man in the bed, staring at the ceiling.

While I watched the sunrays slowly creep through the window, my breath completely even and dreamy pictures flashing across the ceiling, she came quietly with her kit of necessaries. Still being halfway in the dream world I was unable to assist her in her ministrations, or even turn my head for that matter. Carefully she unwound the bandage around my head, tugging lightly at the cloth sticky with salve and blood. It was painful, but all I managed was a low whine.

She then did something then that would always render her the great love of my life, as far as women went. She let the bandages go to carefully caress me across the cheek, resting a light kiss on my forehead. A wonderful, slow melancholy settled in me that day.

But Pomfrey could only be so loving for a short period of time, and before I was able to properly register what had happened she was back on my bandages. When she removed them she made an approving noise and picked up a pair of scissors. In my drugged mind I figured she'd use them to loosen my bandages even more, until I heard the sound of hair getting cut. Had I been able I would have jumped out of the bed in horror. But as it were I was unable to stop her while she cut the hair around my wound completely to my scalp.

'The salve has cleansed the wound and is helping the healing on the way. I had to wait until you were a bit more stable before doing any serious magic on you last night. I was afraid you could have fallen into a coma, but everything looks like it it's going along nicely.'

And with those words she vanquished my beautiful, black locks.

I was allowed to sleep after that, something I did as vigorously as I could. My sleep was disturbed by plenty of memories I could shadily place in a puzzle, but the finished picture I got was never something I could make sense of.

There was Severus, always in the background but rarely in the main picture. He had that quiet smile he usually wore when he was satisfied with something, usually with me. Somewhere during the dreams Rosier made his entrance, forcing me through hours of stumbling déjà vu which left me a headache even overpowering Pomfrey's skilled brews.

When I finally awoke drenched in my own sweat, I found Dumbledore standing by the side of my bed silently talking to McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey. She was telling them how I had arrived last night, and that I was unable to recall anything of what had happened to me.

But I remembered.

Rosier. How had he ever hoped to get away from what he had done? He couldn't have thought it through at all, being mad beyond reason.

And perhaps... just perhaps he had a reason to be.

Cheating. I had never considered it like that before. Severus had never talked about Rosier as a boyfriend, just as an inconvenience. I had envisioned myself saving Severus from him, but... That might just have been a part of Severus' little game too.

Dumbledore and McGonagall were both staring at me with mixed worry and sternness.

I closed my eyes and turned away. I couldn't bring myself to speak to anyone. They left shortly after that.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

When I woke up the day after the pain in my head had receded to a dull thud. The potions Madam Pomfrey had given me had made sure all broken or sprained bones in my body were healed. She knew her potions, and of course she knew her field, so when she had come to ask how I felt she had seen straight through my lies. Physically I was healthier than I had been in a long time, but still my stomach nearly wrenched itself inside out when I tried to get out of bed, and a cold sweat had erupted all over my body. She let me stay, even if she knew better.

'There are things potions and medicines just can't heal on its own,' she had told me as she put down a tray of lunch beside my bed. Just the sight of it made me retch miserably and I had to turn away when the smell reached my nose. 'It's all the potions that's making your stomach upset,' said Madam Pomfrey matter of factly, 'it will help if you settled it by eating something wholesome.'  
I was sure she knew what she was talking about, but food really did seem like the last thing I needed, and so I let it stand there untouched.

Through yesterday and the night I had stared at the ceiling sufficiently to know every crack, every splotch and every spider and cobweb. My mind slipped away and even if I had healed from yesterday's events, there was nothing more desirable to me than sleep. And so I slept.

I slept through the first two classes of Muggle studies, and the two following after that. Severus would have to hand in our task alone. But he had done it all anyway so perhaps it was just as well that he would get the credit too. The image of him wrestling the book to the floor in the forbidden section of the library came unbidden to my mind, and it made me smile just as tears burned behind my eyes. Curling up in fetal position, I fell asleep again.

The sound of steps and voices carried me out of my dreamless sleep and I cracked open one swollen eye. A boy, something in the back of my mind told me he was a Ravenclaw, was being held upright by his friends. His nose was bleeding and his robes were badly ripped and covered in dirt. Typical quidditch wounds. He must have been the new third year ravenclaw seeker. Quite a promising prodigy, we were all eager to see how far he could go even if staying on the broom seemed to be too difficult for him.

Madam Pomfrey came rushing out of her office, much like she had done for me time and again, to help direct the boys so they could put their hurt friend on a proper bed. The movements had made him white as a sheet but he said not a word. Tough guy.

'Fell from the broom just as he was reaching for the snitch, must have been the wind or something. Freak accident.'

'Yeah, he crashed straight to the ground, didn't even lose consciousness!'

'He's a warrior this one!'

The latter statement was enthusiastically underlined by punching the prone boy on the shoulder, though that _did _make him shout out.

'Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry! I am so sorry!'

'No matter Charlie, he's out of it. You knocked him right out.'

They kept on going back and forth on the subject for a while, but I had already lost interest and dozed off.

It was a shallow slumber, and as soon as Pomfrey had chased out the noisy boys I rolled over again and peered over at the bed on the other side of the aisle. The boy's tousled black hair was spread over the pillow, his face nearly as pale as the cover. We were the only ones in the hospital wing and I could hear his heavy breathing loud enough for it to have been my own. The black strands glinted dully in the autumn sun shining through the window and all I wanted to do was to touch it. Let it glide through my fingers and kiss him. Or the 'him' that I imagined he was. But Severus had not come to see me, and I didn't really think he would. Perhaps I should have been glad of it.

'Sirius, you have to eat something.'

Madame Pomfrey had managed to sneak up on me without my noticing while I was too occupied staring at the quidditch player. My lunch still stood untouched on the bedside table but everything in me recoiled, even if I could feel the hunger.

Later in the afternoon, just as the sun was starting to set, the doors to the infirmary opened once again. The person entering was so non-obtrusive that I knew who it was even before I could see him. Remus was carrying my school bag over his shoulder, and it looked heavy. Slowly he walked up to my bed, a lopsided smile on his face as if he was wondering whether it was ok for him to come any closer. I smiled back at him, feeling the muscles in my face ache from both the unfamiliar motion and the bruises I had acquired.

'I hope I am not disturbing?' asked Remus before sitting down in a chair I couldn't remember having been there previously. 'We have a lot of homework now, so I figured I could give you some of it. It must be boring being chained up in the Hospital Wing.'

'Ye-ah,' My voice was raspy and unused; making me cough a bit to get it going again. 'Pretty boring. Nice of you to come.'

A flicker of worry went across Remus' gentle face, and his smile faded a margin. 'Was it Snape who did this to you?'

I was quiet for a long moment, staring at the folded hands in my lap. The knuckles were a bit worse from wear, but otherwise my hands were as handsome as they had always been. Severus had called them handsome, not me, though I didn't mind hearing it. I gave a small shrug and shook my head. There was no answer to his question.

'Actually, I don't know,' I answered honestly. 'It could have been him, but I have a feeling it isn't. Not directly anyway.'

'This is all so insane…' Remus shook his head, much like I had just done, and closed his eyes tight. 'Here you are in the hospital wing, looking like a hippogriff went rampage on you, and you think it indirectly _might_ be Snape?'

I had to laugh a bit at his phrasing when I realized the humour in the situation.

'Well, Severus was not _there,_ but you know how he is, that doesn't have to mean anything,' I waved my hand in an exasperated fashion.

A giggle erupted from Remus, 'he sounds like a terrible person!'

'He is!' I agreed enthusiastically, glad I finally had someone to talk to.

'But still… you… ehn… _love_ him?'

'Of course.'

My heart suddenly felt heavy again, and I had to yawn when sleepiness threatened to take me over. To distract myself I opened the bag Remus had placed on my bed and took a look at the books inside. There was a paper sheet in there too and looking at it I found it to be a detailed description of all the homework we had been given in Remus' neat handwriting.

'Thanks,' I smiled. 'You have to be the best friend anyone could ever hope to have.'

A small smile flickered across his face and he bobbed his head in embarrassment. 'Well, one has to always try and keep what one have, right?' With the last words he suddenly looked up and straight into my eyes, his gaze searching for an answer he hoped I'd give.

But for all that had happened I found that it was Remus who had given me the answer this time. With my skull cracked open, my memory lost and my heart broken in ways I didn't know it could be, the answer to all my questions was ridiculously easy, and had been all the time.

'I think I've gotten water over my head this time,' I smiled wryly, feeling a perverse humour well up inside me and I laughed quietly.

'Well I can't blame you for trying,' shrugged Remus in response, his warm eyes glowing. 'It must be tough being so handsome, having all the boys and girls chasing after you, even the slimy Slytherin ones.'

'You have no idea,' I whispered dramatically, letting my hair fall forward and obscure my face. 'I wouldn't even wish it upon my greatest enemy.'

A loud laugh escaped Remus, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down while he threw his head back. It was rare seeing him laugh so freely, he only ever did so whenever he was truly humoured and around people he trusted.

At that moment I knew my conclusion had been right. Severus had asked me to choose, even if I at the time had not understood why, or what. I didn't trust him, but he meant the world to me.

When my options had stood between doing homework and sleeping, I had opted for sleep. Feeling better and already having slept most of the day away all I got from it was a shallow nap. I was slowly drifting into a state of awareness, feeling sluggish and overheated under the warm covers. Lying completely still I just enjoyed drifting lazily back and forth from reality and dream. An image of Severus eventually appeared before me, grayed and hazy, as if my brain had problems remembering exactly what he looked like.

His eyes were big and he wasn't even wearing robes, only a shirt and his tie, hair messily secured behind each ear, even if some strands were still escaping. A shadow fell across his face when he creased his brow, muttering something to himself.

My heart was beating heavily and slowly in my chest while I watched the half-dream image of him, wondering when my imagination would take it further. My libido was certainly interested enough for the dream to evolve.

'Sirius?' asked Severus, and it felt like he had thrown a bucket of ice cold water over me. Blinking a couple of times my eyes became focused enough to realize that the hallucination was very much a reality. Severus was standing over me, face close enough for me to be able to count his long black lashes.

'Holy shit you startled me,' I said, feeling my voice having gone raspy again. He took a step backwards and I pulled myself up in a sitting position, finally getting a good look at him. Without his customary armour of robes, cloak and small library of books he looked peculiarly lost.

'Rosier just told me what he did,' said Severus. 'I very nearly killed him.'

Knowing Severus I didn't doubt that for a second. Opening my mouth to comment on why he didn't I was stopped by a sudden stinging pain spreading across my face. Bewildered I closed my mouth again and stared at him. It took yet another few seconds before it registered in my slow brain that he had just slapped me. I must have looked like a fish on land for a while before pulling together enough to carefully pet the insulted skin on my cheek.

'For letting him,' hissed Severus, again reading my mind and explaining without further prompting.

'I'm sorry?' I tried, uncertainly phrasing it as a question. You never really knew with him.

'You better be,' he huffed angrily, but fell back in the chair Remus had previously vacated and let out a longwinded breath. Leaning back his head and resting it on the back of the chair, he peered at me through lidded eyes, one eyebrow raised. 'Though this does put us in a magnificent position, really.'

I didn't even ask how, because I knew he would elaborate if he feel like it, and if not I'd never get to know anyway.

A long silence stretched out between us then. A silence in which Severus remained lounged in the chair, tapping his slender fingers against the wood of the armrest, I was content just watching him.

'I talked to Dumbledore again,' blurted Severus. I didn't know him well, but I knew him enough to know he hadn't really intended to tell me. Sometimes it seemed difficult for him to not speak out loud when he was thinking very seriously about a matter. 'Apparently he hasn't told McGonagall or anyone else what happened; you know the Unforgivable and all. He muttered something about you being a good influence. I mean, how much will you be able to get away with in that old coot's eyes? What do you do, offer your ass to him?'

Severus was perfectly still through this entire tirade, but at the end he sat up straight and looked me right in the eyes. He had to be genuinely curious.

'Not really no,' I answered, laughing. The image it gave me was so bad I had to struggle not to shudder.

'Must be because you're a Gryffindor,' continued Severus to muse. 'He does favour them a great deal, no matter what you say.'

I didn't argue. Partially because there was no use changing his warped mind, but mostly because I knew it was true. Getting up from his chair, Severus crossed his arms and held around himself, obviously uncomfortable with his state of undress.

'My robes are lying there,' I said and pointed at the end of the bed, 'you can borrow them if you want?'

But Severus shook his head and moved over to me instead, something softening in his ice cold face and in a moment of rare compassion he let his fingers caress my cheek gently. I leaned into the touch, feeling myself ache. It was hard to describe, but I knew something had changed in me, and I was able to see the entire situation a lot clearer. Just a touch, just looking at him, even just the remembrance of his smell, had me wanting to hold and touch and own him. It wasn't love, it was obsession.

I hadn't been able to see this in quite some time, I realized. It wasn't Rosier's punches and kicks that had awakened me, but his words. Severus had never belonged to me and never would. I didn't doubt that somewhere in there Severus cared for me, I could see it in his eyes, but he was too twisted to let that control him for any length of time.

Leaning down Severus rested a pointy chin on my shoulder and blew lightly on the sensitive skin on the nape of my neck. Laughing in the back of my throat I stroked his back, revering in the feel of him.

'As I said,' continued Severus like our conversation never had been interrupted. 'This does put us in a rather nice position.'

I stopped stroking him and pulling back I used my hand to hold his hip, keeping him an arm length away. Placing my feet on the floor I sat up straight, my face serious while I looked at him, though I never let go. Severus placed his hand above mine, uncertainly caressing it, a look of doubt on his face. It was shadowed by his hair and his uncanny ability to hide his emotions, but never the less I saw it. I couldn't decide with myself whether it was because he wanted me to, or because I had finally learned to read him.

'Tell Dumbledore what happened and Rosier will be expelled in less than a second,' said Severus eventually, nearly reluctantly. The request was not unexpected, I had thought about it myself, but still something in me was appalled.

'He only protected what's his,' I answered, 'I don't think I have any right to get him expelled for that.'

Severus stilled before letting go of my hand as if burned, his face contorted.

'It was a clever plot,' I continued, pretending to be undisturbed. 'Luring me along, getting me interested, ticking off Rosier enough for him to act out of impulse. You could have gotten two birds in one stone, had you done it right. Both annoyances gone; him and me.'

During my rant he had taken a few steps backwards until he bumped into the chair behind him. Opening his mouth he closed it again. This was the second time I had seen him speechless and somehow I felt proud of that.

'Fine,' he eventually whispered, voice contorted with anger. '_Fine_.'

Something broke in me when I watched him turn around and walk resolutely out of the hospital wing. Swallowing hard I blinked away the tears and before it had registered in my mind I was on my feet and running after him.

The doors were still swinging after he had walked through them and I didn't even bother to open them, but merely smashed my entire weight into them, falling out into the hallway.

'Severus!' I hollered and pure panic let my voice pitch unnaturally high. Turning in both directions I finally saw he had stopped at the end of the corridor, looking at me with the wand in his hand. With everything in me I wanted to run up to him and gather him in my arms, but something kept me back. The murder that glinted in his eyes made my skin crawl and pure self-preservation had me rooted to the spot.

He wasn't moving a muscle, just stood there staring at me. Eventually I took a hesitant step forward, but stopped dead when he raised his wand and a disgusting sneer formed on his lips.

'One step closer, dog, and you _will_ regret it,' he hissed, nearly spat, at me before turning and disappearing down a hidden set of stairs.

In a second the two past weeks flashed in front of my eyes and I couldn't decide whether I hated him, or myself, the most. I would have screamed, but I couldn't remember how to use my lungs, tongue or throat. A fatigue beyond anything I had felt before descended on me, nearly breaking me down, and so I let him go.

Life continued as if the two weeks had been erased from history. It wasn't until a cold summer night in '79 that memories began to stir again. Feelings I had believed buried and forgotten revealed themselves in Death Eater cloaks and more madness.


End file.
